Before You Break

So maybe I was using him.

And, whoa, that realization struck me so hard that I had trouble keeping it contained inside me any longer. My lips trembled and my fingers clenched Qui

“It’s okay, you know.” The words rushed from my lips. I needed to get them out.

“What is?” His eyes were bloodshot and scarcely focused on me.

“If you want someone else,” I said it so low I wasn’t even sure he’d heard me.

His eyes became round and wide. “I don’t want anyone else.”

“You certainly haven’t wanted me lately. At least not when you’re sober.” My stomach was churning, but I needed to keep levelheaded. “We can talk about this like two adults. We’ve been drifting apart for weeks.”

I realized I was trying to have a conversation with a drunken person. But sometimes alcohol could bring out the truth. And I certainly had my own truths to own up to.

“S . . . sorry, Ella. You’re a good girl,” he garbled. He leaned forward and placed his hands on his knees. “Didn’t want to disappoint you. Or your family.”

Tears stung my eyes. Damn, he was being honest.

This may have been the most candid conversation we’d ever had.

“I wanted to be an upstanding guy for you.” He relaxed against the cushions and covered his eyes with his forearm. Maybe he thought I was going to slug him one. “I did. But I’m just not a good boyfriend.”

“I know. I see that now,” I said, more for myself than for him. I realized how much I’d neglected or ignored about him. Avery had tried to warn me. But I didn’t want to listen.

And now I was attracted to someone else who might not want to be boyfriend material. So who was to blame here for poor decision making? But I knew in my heart that Qui

“I wasn’t a good girlfriend, either, Joel. Because I was dating you . . . for reasons you probably wouldn’t even understand.” I stood up, my knees wobbling a bit and my eyes welling up with tears. The shock of this honest conversation left me feeling a bit off-kilter.

“It’ll be okay, Joel. Maybe we can still be friends.” I leaned over to give him one last hug. He grabbed my face and tried shoving his tongue down my throat.

“Joel, stop.” I pushed at his shoulders. “You can’t kiss me if we just broke up.”

It was then that I realized he might not remember this conversation in the morning.

He tried thumbing beneath my shirt. “I’m going to miss these fantastic tits.”

After I’d wrenched myself from his grasp, I straightened myself and smoothed down my T-shirt and shorts. I took the beer from his hand and dumped it down the drain. “You’re cut off for the night.”

Looking out at the blazing fire in the backyard, I noticed the same blond sorority girl close to the glass doors, watching our display. When I motioned for her to come inside, she stiffened like she’d been caught.

The girl timidly stepped inside the room. “Yeah?”

“I’m going home and wondered if you could give me a hand,” I said. “I think Joel wants to head out by the fire and I don’t want him falling in.”

Not unless I pushed him myself.

Her eyes widened like she couldn’t believe I’d be naïve enough to give away my boyfriend so easily. Joel stared at me with mournful eyes.

But when he looked at the blond, a devilish grin crossed his lips.

And that’s when I knew he’d be just fine without me.

He threw his arm around her shoulder, practically mauling her chest. I watched them move out the door together.

“He’s all yours,” I said. She looked once behind her as tears pricked my eyes again. “Good-bye, Joel.”

I sagged against the wall and played our conversation over in my brain.

I’d thought that by saying good-bye to Joel, I’d be leaving a piece of Christopher behind, too. But I was wrong. He’d always be inside me. Joel had just given me more memories of him. And for that, I was grateful. And right now, Christopher would probably be telling me that it was about damn time.

I gripped Qui

And those emotions thrust me forward.

I still had a burning desire to see Qui

But this one was already consuming me.

I stood in front of his door and gathered myself before knocking.

“Come in.” His voice was muffled and throaty, sending a shiver straight through me.

I nudged open his door and stepped inside. The only light on in the room was from a bedside lamp. Qui

“Everything okay, Ella?” I most likely looked a mess. There were lingering tears in my eyes. And possibly some residual hurt.

I nodded and held up his keys. “I found these in the couch cushion and thought you’d probably need them.”

He stood up and stalked toward me, shutting the door closed behind us. He grabbed the keys and tucked them in his pocket. “Did something happen?”

“Not really.” I shrugged. “Just your run-of-the-mill college breakup.”

“You and Joel?” His eyebrows slammed together. “I’m . . . I’m sorry.”

But he didn’t look sorry. He looked relieved. And that lit a firestorm inside me.

“Don’t be. It was a long time coming.” I toed the hardwood floor as if there were something interesting there. “You know that.”

He sighed, most likely recalling our earlier conversation.

“You actually helped me realize some stuff.” My eyes slid up to meet his. “Decisions I needed to make.”

Qui

“Will you be okay?” He swiped a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I don’t. Really.” And I meant it. Besides, having him so near didn’t help organize any lucid thoughts in my brain. “I’m good.”

“Where is Joel right now?” His eyes stole to the door, as if Joel would come busting through any minute now.

“Out by the fire with some blond,” I said. “And before you ask, I’m fine with it. I basically handed him to her. Since I walked away, he can do whatever the heck he wants to now.”

“I guess that means you can, too,” he said, his voice deep and his eyes hooded.

I offered a slight nod, all I could muster with him standing so near. “I was with him for all the wrong reasons.”

We stood staring at each other and the splash of moonlight through his window illuminated the intensity in his eyes. Specks of green and gold sparkled in his irises. He had stubble along his jaw and I imagined its roughness against my skin.

He flexed his fingers like he didn’t know where to set them. And I wanted nothing more than for him to place them around my waist. Or in my hair.

“Why . . .” he said and then swallowed. “Why did you come up here, Ella?’

“I told you,” I mumbled. “To return your keys.”

“You could have given them to one of the guys.” He leaned forward and his body heat enveloped me. “Why did you come up here, Ella?”

“Because,” I whispered. I reached out and traced my thumb along his full bottom lip. I had no idea what I was doing, just that I was desperate to touch him.

A quiet growl emerged from the back of his throat and all at once he backed me against the door. “Tell me why.”

“I . . . I don’t know.” Suddenly I was scared. Of my desire for him. Of the chance I’d taken coming up here. I was being careless, which was something I’d never done before. I’d broken up with my boyfriend and was now standing in this other boy’s room.