Unspoken words

She always tried not to show her weakness even the things hurt her too much, but understanding that showing herself as a weak she only worsen the situation, although she had another strategy as being a Scorpio, she knew she could hurt people in any time when they anticipated it less possible to happen, actually she tried not to be so cruel because of her religion. However it wasn’t always possible for her staying su

“18.03.11.

Dear diary,

I can’t stand it any longer, the only that I’ve been doing these days is crying, moreover I can’t help stopping it. I think I’ve been spending my life on foolish things. If I hadn’t done these thing, I would be in London now and learn English there and all my dreams would come true. I don’t know how to do my coursework, it’s so exhausting and hard to get things right. I am nobody in this world, absolutely nothing. The only thing I want now is to get out of here, find a boy who would take care of me or marry an actor, Paul Wesley would be a great one. (Paul Wesly is an American actor, famous as Stephan in a TV drama ‘The vampire diaries’ born also in Poland who she was in love with). Oh holy mackerel, why is it so difficult to live?”

It sounds more like the speculations of 13 years old teenager rather than a girl of 17 years. In some ways she considered herself like a redneck in the MarisaCapitolina’s society, but anyway sometimes she felt herself over the top under them.

In the days prior to New Year, her English group was obliged to prepare something for celebration like a song or sorts of that. Her friend Christine (she considered her as a the best one, actually) made a conjecture as making a speech of American president with his interpreter, everybody liked that idea and after phrase “It’s a wrap”, everybody started thinking who would present this video at the celebration, the first on the list was Christine because the idea was hers, then on the list was Michaela because of being in friendship with her and one of the best students, but the teacher thought it wasn’t sufficient to have only 2 girls and the other two were Capitolina and Marisa, surely Michaela was far from happy about that suggestion but had nothing to do with it. Just grin and bear.

On the day of all this commotion, everybody of course arrived earlier. Michaela was wearing her pink dress which she had possessed since her school prom, Capitolina was in light blue jeans, high boots without heels with laces and a white shirt over which was wearing a dark-blue thin sweater, her hair was leased, Marisa was in a simple khaki dress and sneakers, with her hair in a ponytail. Observing them pinky girl with her hair in curls and in pink shoes, thought she was out of the place.

“It’s a celebration why are they wearing in the way like they went to an ordinary lesson? I know that maybe I’m not so clever how they are but anyway, it’s inappropriate, and why they brought cheese with them, aren’t they going to eat? And it’s Parmesan, my favourite sort of cheese, why do they like it too? It’s not fair that we have too much in common. They are so thin and eat absolutely nothing, I want to be in that way too.”

Yeah, weighing 43 kilos, she always considered herself being fat because of her height which was 156 cm. she was obsessed with “being always a slim thing”, her the most awful fear was to put on weight again. Her family was preoccupied about her to gain anorexia problem though.

Imagine my condition when I started gaining weight back my emaciated flesh evaporated with each struck of clock. My five year attempts to keep myself fit by skipping the meals, doing exercises all the time, eating the right food, avoiding the junk. My petite figure made me the envy of my peers. They were bursting with it when they saw me in a new apparel which fitted me perfectly. And then I turned into an elephant wearing baggy strange clothing and looking as I were 30 not 20. I abhorred myself for my blunders committed. I was unable to see happiness in my life without feeling my lovely bones. As my usual morning routine used to be a staring at how thin my legs had been and how it was uncomfortable to lie on hip bones or how deeper I could penetrate my fingers into the gaps of a clavicle bone. I was obsessed with being thin. At least I felt attractive. Brooding over my past experiences with food, I had been always the prisoner of it since I was little girl. I consumed over my child’s needs flushing away my parents’ warnings, hence my grandparents were on my side, allowing me to gobble food whenever I wanted and whatever I wanted. I was not obese though but I was plump enough to get teasers from my peers. The situation changed when I decided that something had to be done with my continuous eating and I completely reconsidered my lifestyle. I started to get up earlier, do morning exercises, eat proper products which led to losing u

Getting back to the point, when the time was ripe to go to the stage, Michaela was very perplexed and confused, preoccupied that something could go wrong, and she would be in front of girls, but eventually everything ended up in a normal way. After that she even didn’t feel the pressure from girls, actually there hadn’t been any pressure before, it was only in her head. The rest of the evening ended up in a great and tranquil celebration.

You know, that the majority of our problems and dissatisfaction in life comes from troubled mind. We think too much about things which should be considered unimportant, we create problems from nothing and waste a big deal of time with it.

Till the summer everything seemed to be ok, Michaela enjoyed her lessons, even she had to collaborate most of the time with Capitolina, but she was flabbergasted about how well were their conversations and that they had so much in common, like two peas in a pod, however, her feeling about Capitolina’s hatred of her never left her. She still wanted her to be away from the group.

When at last summer came, she thought with relieve that the whole 3 months she wouldn’t see Capitolina Nowak anymore. Although it would be unfair not to mention one thing, sometimes during the summer Michaela watched the girl’s social account and always asked questions in a void, “Why do you hate me? What am I doing wrong? Yes I’m not like you and Marisa and I’ll never be, because I’m from another planet but it doesn’t mean you have to detest me in that way.”

Next thing for her was when she saw a photo of Nowak where she was showing her middle finger, it made Michaela thinking “How dares she to do such a thing, it’s so awful and where do her parents watch? But the most irritating was her pink hair. She started asking and asking questions. “How on earth she died her hair like that, how her parents allowed her to do it, she’s not old enough, she spoilt her hair, what a shame, that’s horrendous.’ Nevertheless she said that not because she really didn’t like it or was envious, but because of her supposition that Capitolina loathed her and she must say something like that. Very stupid of her. Actually it’s understandable when a girl had lived almost in total isolation, having only some close friends by her side, some rare rides for civilization , with crazy plans for life, craving everyday like a mad, wanting to get out from this country and afraid of expressing herself sometimes.

I would like to make a remark on this. I was a very judgmental child even though I didn’t notice it myself, even reckoning that it was wrong to judge others when in reality I did it every day. Why? Church taught me . I don’t want to be the object of consensual resentment from the religious part of our society, so I will explain. I was brought up in an orthodox family, where we went to church almost each Sunday, kept Lents and read prayers in the evenings. I believed that if you obeyed God’s law, it was the way for salvation but at the same time I was afraid of dying and getting old, any slight thought about this occurrence which dashed in my immature mind made me feel terrorized, completely paralyzed with numb fear. Although the Bible teaches to accept death as you are going to be with God after that, but apparently it didn’t bestowed me any consolation. The other reason for my concern was that I had no comprehension of the cause why Christianity went to a 3 branch decay. That split up made me curious more and more as we, believers should follow written words by Jesus, were also obliged to abide other human beings rules who were invested in the ecclesiastic robes, only because they had different opinions about how to conduct church services and interpreted the Bible in their particular way. Why, they were just people, like us, why should I adhere to their views? But nobody could give me explicit information of the origin and nature of it. In spite of my concerns I was to drop all my conjectures on the subject as it was considered to be a sin to brood over such things. Considered by who? I had no exact answer. That’s why Capitolina was an incarnation of evil in my books, she was not religious and always made pinch remarks about people who affiliated themselves with any kind of religious movement. Plus, her deeds were out of the place which the Bible and church would never admitted to be the right ones. Her behaviour was outrageous for me.