Unspoken words

I know, I didn’t mention all the feelings and problems which go along with binge eating and any eating disorder but only the basic concept, just give a brief appraisal to this disease. The most important thing is here that people have to think twice before judging a person’s appearance, how fat he or she is, or how ski

Why am I talking about it? Because at that period of time I had massive problems with it. I just got used to eating like a horse it was my normal way of being. Realizing that I was unable to get what I wanted, miserable existence and no work prospects erking up to my condition even more. Besides I had no desire to heal. 4 fucking years of being fucked up, all kinds of drastic diets, pills, quick remedies, going around a dead end circle, when nothing worked. I was exhausted to nuts. I didn’t want to be cured, all I wanted to be exposed to the voidness and sink in it as a wrecked ship. And of course having crush on Haim I was realizing that I would never have a boy like this and that he was nice to me only because of his upbringing. A translucent boy with refined taste would date a girl from a sophisticated book, as I imagined her she would be pale with deep-expressed cheek and clavicle bones. She would wear long blond hair and had half a smile of an angel with complexity of her glance. She would be as a morning coffee, the first thing you wish to see after the awakening, smelling so appealingly causing to be wanted to pour down in her or a book which can’t be put down as it has grabbed you to pieces. And here was me: clumsy, boyish girl who lost her looks and figure with a quirky sense of style and views on life. The girl who gave up as a bad job on herself. Every day I wake up with determination to change, with a plan to follow to get back my perfect looks, to start from the blank and every day I failed. That personal clash was obscuring and still I didn’t lose hope on myself, I believe I would be healed at some point of my life span. It had already started as consciously I understood my problem, I had the will for things to be changed and that was already something. However, before I started to talk about how I believed that I could be rehabilitated yet another time. I had one more story to share with you as it was one of a paramount importance for me once. One more story how I was dependent on having someone special in my life.

Chapter 5

“That’s going to be the difference this year” she wrote down in her diary. This year she was ready for a real change in her life. Taken up an English course she figured out what she had to handle with – new people, the pressure of society and stuff like that.

Don’t be confused with this begi

On the day when the course started she was over-excited, scared and nervous, being a very shy type, she was afraid of not being accepted by people. However everyone was so friendly and wonderful. She finally started to feel the life, after all bullying stuff that she had at the technical school. However her serenity didn’t long much. After a week of classes 2 new arrivals came. Two girls. They were like sisters, the thing was not in their appearance, no, they looked absolutely different, but it seemed their thoughts were shared for both as one could easily finished the sentence of another, had much in common and shared stuff which understood only they. They seemed to be eccentric to Michaela and non-understandable. She wished they had never come in to her life either in the English group, but she had nothing to do with it.

The reason of this hatred to the girls was deeply in her, her phobia not being accepted, not being understood by the new acquaintances, the fear that they could regard her as a strange girl. The next reason was that she didn’t understand them in some ways of their behaviour, considering them like wicked and devilish. Moreover she always reckoned they detested her too, because of her behave, her love to cartoons even her clothes. Even so it was just her paranoia which dominated her reasonable views.

Anyway she never showed any sign of abomination to them or sorts of that, she collaborated with them in a friendly way, what’s more she even enjoyed to have a word with them because they had something in common.

“Hey, how are you?” asked Capitolina.

“Hi, good, but all this IT lessons screwing me up.” The only words which Michaela managed to get out when Capitolina interrupted her daily state of being out of real world.

“Yeah, I have got the same problem, all these database, figures, pascal stuff, i

“Yeah, how I do understand you it is unbearable, I’ve got a complete fit with them.”

They kept interrupting each other with delighted faces, it didn’t matter for them that the rest of class had no clue what they were talking about, who knew, how long their conversation would have been but it was interrupted when the lesson started.

Even having such chats, Michaela stood in her position. “That’s bizarre”was her thought, “they are so kind to me, even praise me sometimes, but I’m sure they do such a thing only in order to show some respect and don’t seem to be churlish or whatever. Actually I like Marisa, she is different, when she is without Capitolina, I think it’s her influence has spoiled Marisa, but on the other hand Capitolina seems to be very cognitive, polite and less crazy than Marisa, I don’t know. However I don’t like Capitolina, anyway, first reason is because she loathes me and stuff which I do, then she didn’t accepted my friendship on Facebook, although I offered her 2 times, there are 100% that she hates me, maybe I don’t match her circle of society, actually I don’t care, but I don’t want her to be in our group either.”

Michaela always observed the way Capitolina was worn, the way she ate, drank, the hairstyle she had. The reason of doing it was the question “Why does she hate me?”

“She wears clothes as she would come out from home without a care in the world what she was wearing I don’t understand. She is rich, beautiful, polite and clever, but all these ponytails and buggy loosy apparels as though she was homeless. She must show off, be like a princess and mock me off. However she is always polite with people, even with me. I can’t get it why then she hates me, what am I doing wrong?” Michaela drummed her head with this stuff.

Michaela always estimated everything what was happening in her life people around her, her goals and failures.

She didn’t like to let people down, always being in time and willing to help, even it didn’t match her interests. Living in her own world which she created for herself, she understood that something wonderful had to happen in her life, maybe not that moment but in the future. Her face permanently would light up with smiles of pleasure if she could do something that brought a smile on face of another person. In that way she started making her hand-made stuff, firstly dedicated to her close friends and finishing with people who she either regarded to be important or nice to her.