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Bitch Leader lost it and lunged at me. As I jumped out of the way, Harlie leaped off my hand, gave a growl worthy of Martini, and turned into a much, much bigger Poof. A Poof with lots and lots of teeth. It had Bitch Leader in its jaws within moments. Then it turned to me and cocked its head. Its head was about double the size of its body. It looked like a fluffier bigheaded kitten with no ears or tail, only a kitten that could chomp a normal person in two with ease.
“Ummm . . . first off, is Harlie a boy or a girl?”
“They don’t have sex, per se,” the guy with the black eye said. “It’s going to kill her.”
“I know. I wanted to be able to say good boy or girl as soon as Harlie’s done.”
“We don’t want her dead.”
“I do.” I looked at him. “So, let’s get this clear. You all come clean, right now, or I have Harlie the Attack Poof eat you. I’ll bet Harlie’s hungry, aren’t you, Harlie?” I cooed this last line. The Poof purred at me. It was a really loud purr now that it was Martini-sized.
I felt something nudge my ankle and looked down. Sure enough, there were a few more Poofs down there. “Do they replicate in water or if they eat too much or something?”
“Uh, no,” Black Eye said. “They’re androgynous and can mate with any other Poof. They only mate when a royal marriage is imminent, however.”
“Sort of normal.” For a freak world, but that’s what I was living in, so, normal. I bent down and the other Poofs climbed into my hand and crawled up on my shoulders. “I count six more here. I guess that’s one for Christopher, one for Paul, one for Michael, one each for the Gower girls . . . and that leaves a spare. Who is the spare for?”
No one answered. “Okay, let me ask that another way. Someone tells me who the spare is for or I tell Harlie to enjoy its big, nasty snackage.”
Bitch Leader decided not to play chicken with me. “It’s for you.”
CHAPTER 28
“HMMM . . . INTERESTING. SO, let’s see if I can guess what’s going on, shall we? Oh, but before I do, Christopher, I really need Chuckie. In here, with me.”
“On it.”
“Why?” Martini asked.
“I like the help with the conspiracy theories.”
“And,” Chuckie said, “there are none better than me with that. What, Martini? I was in the back of the room.”
“Oh. Fine.” He didn’t seem all that fine with it. So much for that no more jealousy promise. “Not jealous, just worried,” he snapped.
“Right.” Chuckie came in. “Okay, Kitty, what have we here? I mean, other than giant iguanas?”
“We are not iguanas!”
“I think they’re Komodo dragons.”
“We are neither!”
“They’re giant lizards, Chuckie. We’ll leave it at that.”
The giant lizards both looked really angry. I picked up one of the spare Poofs and looked at the guy with the black eye. “What’s this one’s name?” The giant lizards calmed down instantly.
“So,” Chuckie said. “Back to the theories?”
“Sure. We have a delegation of twelve here. Two are clearly from Jeff’s home world. Two are obviously from the Giant Lizard world. I’m betting the other eight are from other planets in the A-C system.”
Chuckie wandered the group as I had. “Interesting rings,” he said to three of them. “Take them off and give them to me. Or we’ll insist on learning the rest of the Poofs’ names.”
They did, and the moment they were in his hand, they turned into what looked like walking jackals who were really into the Ancient Egyptian look. “Chuckie, meet the emissaries from the Dog Planet.”
One of them bared its teeth at me. One of the Poofs jumped off my shoulder and turned huge. It stayed in front of me, but the point was clear. The jackal stopped its growling.
“Jeff, I love these Poofs. They are like the greatest things ever!” All the Poofs started to purr, including the big ones.
“They seem to love you, too, baby. Hope that lasts.”
Chuckie gave everyone a very evil smile. “Okay, let’s make it easy. The rest of you, take off your image shifters, will you? We don’t have all night.”
No one budged. “Poofikins? Will you help Chuckie for me?” The Poof in front of me trotted next to Chuckie and bared its many teeth at the others in the room. A couple of bracelets came right off, and, voila, the Cat People were represented. They were wearing leather cat suits. I wondered if they were being ironic or really went with this look on a daily basis. “Wow, it’s a regular menagerie in here. Someone get Paul, please. And triple the guard on James.”
“Here, Kitty,” Gower’s voice came from the com. “Jeff already called for me.”
“Good. So, I see four of your planets represented. Who’s missing? Or, rather, who’s from what world? You’re from Alpha Four, right? And Moira and her whacked out girlfriend are from Beta Twelve?”
“Right on both. The Giant Lizards are from Beta Thirteen. We’d call them Reptilians here.”
“Wow, sounds like Giant Lizard to me.”
“Yeah, well, it’s a more polite word. To them.”
“If I decide we like them, I’ll worry about being polite.” The Giant Lizards still looked pissed. One of the other Poofs hopped down, turned big, and sat in front of me. “I love the Poofs. I want that on record. Poofs are the greatest things to hit the solar system. After the A-Cs, I mean.” Poof purring continued unabated. The two nearest my neck rubbed against me. It tickled, thankfully, not in an erotic way.
“Thanks, I’m touched.” Martini sighed. “So, back to why everyone’s here?”
“Not quite. Paul, the jackals from the Dog Planet and the walking felines? They are?”
“From Beta Fourteen and Fifteen, respectively, Canus Majorians and Feliniads.”
“Major Doggies and Cat People. Got it.”
Gower sighed. “The others are, I’d guess, from Alphas Five and Six.”
“Do the Alpha Fives and Sixes have one heart or two?”
“One.”
“Then one of our party of humanoids isn’t being honest. Poofies? I think we have a mean lady I will not like even more than I do not like Bitch Leader in Harlie’s mouth.” All the Poofs jumped down and turned big. “What do my Poofies like to eat best?” I asked Black Eye.
“Um . . . uh . . . meat.” He sounded worried. Good.
“Wow, how convenient!”
Chuckie laughed and patted the Poof near him. It purred at him. “These are great, I have to admit it.”
“Wonderful.” Martini was muttering, but not that quietly.
“Jeff, hush.”
“Fine, fine. They like Reynolds because you like him, right?”
“I hope so. Because I don’t like anyone in this room at the moment, other than Chuckie.” The Poofs, to a fluffy thing, started to growl, very softly. The one by Chuckie moved in front of him. “See? Poofs are wonderful.”
Black Eye swallowed. “Uh, please don’t let them eat us.”
“Give me a reason not to. Start with having the shapeshifting Amazonian bitch unmask.”
Shocked looks all around. Other than from one person, one of the humanoid women. She stood up straight, shimmered, and a taller, older version of Moira was standing there, complete with the spiky blonde hair and the Xena/Wonder Woman body suit and boots look. “I am not your enemy,” she said quietly.
“Right. Chuckie, get behind me. I’m serious, by the way.”
He did as requested. “This is an emasculating feeling.”
“She’ll emasculate you more than I ever would.”
“No,” the shapeshifter said, “I will not.”
“Met your sister, or mate, or whatever she is. Don’t believe you.”
She shook her head. “They are not here on my order.”
My order. “What’s your name?”
“It ca
“Oh, give it a rest! We know! We know! We’ve had A-Cs on Earth for decades. All humans working with them are really clear that we are just too damned slow to catch your fabulous languages. Let me mention that what humans are really good at is turning inferiority complexes into mass crusades of destruction. Now, before I tell my adorable Poofies to have a delish breakfast, stop, all of you, with the ‘we talk too fast for your pitiful ears’ crap and give me names that I can understand that you will also actually answer to. Or die. And I mean that literally.”