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“I hate it when you mention that you think my dad’s hot,” Martini muttered.
“Jeff, you look exactly like him. If I think you’re hot, it stands to reason I think he’s hot. I am not lusting after your father. I’m just happy to know how hot you’re going to look as you get older.”
He hugged me. “That’s okay, then.”
White joined us. “Interesting. I see you’ve dressed, Miss Katt.”
“Yes, I decided to keep the outfit for when I have to convince you of something.”
“Good, anticipation is the key to any good relationship.”
“Mister White? Why are most of them not as hot looking as your people?”
“Bluntness is your specialty. No idea. They look normal to me.”
“They don’t look u
“Granddad wasn’t all that great, if you recall. Maybe we just have a concentration of hotness. Does it matter?” Martini was looking at the Poof again.
“Hopefully not.”
He hit the intercom button. “Hi, there. Who the hell are you and why are you here? And how soon are you leaving?”
The guy I recognized as having been in our room stepped forward. He was nursing a lovely black eye. “Your Majesty, we are here to begin the rites of passage for your intended.”
“Nice. I don’t plan to have her do them. Don’t plan on any of you sticking around. Don’t plan on going back to the world that exiled us. Rot in hell. Have a nice day.”
“Harlie has accepted you.”
“Harlie?”
I looked up at Martini’s shoulder. “Here, Harlie.” I put my hand up, the Poof purred and jumped into my palm. “Good little Poofy thing. Meet your new pet, Jeff.”
“You will refer to His Majesty as My Royal Lord at all times!” A woman’s voice rang out from the back of the holding cell. She stalked up to the window, and it didn’t take an empath to tell she was furious. “How dare you speak to him casually?”
“Oh, you have got to be kidding me!” I was ready to lunge through the window. Test one—failed. Test one—pissing me off. Could not wait for test two.
White stepped up to the intercom. “Excuse me. Who are you, and why do you believe you have the right to give anyone on Earth orders?”
“We are the emissaries from the royal court. You, as an exile, have no right to speak to us.” She actually turned her back on White and walked to another part of the window.
“Five minutes, that’s all I ask. Me and my Glock. Trust me, Mom’s been teaching me how to shoot really, really fast.”
“Tempting as that is,” Martini said through clenched teeth, “I’ll be the one kicking their asses.”
“You’re the king, My Royal Lord.”
“Do not start.” He let go of me and went closer to the intercom. “You, come back here.”
She turned around and stalked over. “Yes, Your Majesty?”
“First off, I’m fascinated that you exiled my entire race here, you’re insulting my religious leader who also happens to be my uncle, and yet you’re somehow thinking I’m your king. Secondly, if you ever speak to anyone on Earth, particularly the Sovereign Pontifex, that way again, I’ll kill you with my bare hands. Oh, and I know how, believe me. Finally, I don’t know who you people think you are, but unless you start giving us some explanations, and quickly, I’m going to order you all put to death. Got it?”
She gave him a small, very self-satisfied smile. “You are so like your grandfather, Your Majesty.”
Martini lunged at the window. I thought he was going to break through. Christopher and I both grabbed him. “Jeff! Jeff! She means the other one! Not ours. Well, ours, but the other ours! The one who stayed on the home world!” Christopher was shouting, which he had to, because Martini’s growl was already at “enraged bear” and about to go to “lion takes over the veldt.”
“She means your father’s father, Jeff!” I was shouting too. We weren’t calming him. At all. Of course, in his mind, Bitch Leader had just compared Martini to Ronald Yates, aka Mephistopheles, aka the Supreme Fugly. The rage was understandable.
“Jeffrey, let it go.” White spoke softly.
Martini stopped, took a deep breath, and let me and Christopher pull him back. “Sorry.” He was shaking.
The emissaries looked shocked, other than the one I was calling Bitch Leader. She looked amused. “Your Majesty has a temper, I see.”
“Really. I mean it, Jeff. Let me in there. I’ll do Crane Opens a Can of Whupass, they’ll never know what hit them.”
“They can kill you.” Martini’s voice was low. He was staring at the emissaries, and I’d never seen so much anger in his expression before.
“Maybe. I want in.”
“I don’t want you hurt, so no.”
“Easy way or hard way, Jeff.”
“I don’t want you to shoot them. We don’t know what else they’re bringing.”
“You mean besides stress and high blood pressure problems?”
“Yeah.”
“I won’t shoot them. They won’t kill me. Let me in. Please.”
“Why?”
White nodded to one of the security guys, and the door opened. “Miss Katt.”
I detached from Martini and went in. Harlie went with me. “Dudes, nice to see you.” The door shut behind me. “Now, let’s cut the crap. You have no intention of approving me. I have no intention of passing your tests. So what is it you expect to get out of this whole ridiculous endeavor?”
Bitch Leader came over to me. She was a lot bigger. “You insignificant peasant! How dare you—”
“Blah, blah, blah. Heard it all before. I’m an American, you moron. We wrote the book on insignificant peasants making good. I’m also not an idiot. And I’m also not buying it.”
I walked through them. There were exactly two who fit the mold. The one with the shiner and another guy. I pointed to them. “You two are the only actual A-Cs here. So, what, are the rest of you shapeshifters from Planet of the Really Pissed Off Amazons, also known as The Free, or are you some other delegation combo? ’Cause you’re not all from the same place my aliens call home.”
They all looked at me in shock, Bitch Leader included. She recovered fastest. “How . . . how dare you insinuate—”
“Stow it. I’m a human. Want to know the biggest way our A-Cs differ from humans? They are drop-freaking-dead gorgeous. My little friend over there with the black eye, and this other guy here, they’re pretty hot. The rest of you? Um, well, you’re not barking, but you’re not going to win any prizes against Jeff, Christopher, or the rest of the A-C gang.”
“There is more to our culture than looks,” the guy with the black eye said.
“Oh, right.” I slammed my open palm onto Bitch Leader’s chest. “One heart.” I walked around the room and did the same thing. None of them tried to stop me. “Okay, we have eight with two hearts, two with one, and icky, two with three hearts. I don’t even want to know. However, that means you’re not all from A-C.”
I looked at the two with three hearts. They were both wearing really ugly matching necklaces. I pulled them off their necks and was faced with what looked like giant iguanas. Iguanas wearing stretchy body suits and standing on their hind legs, but still, iguanas. Giant iguanas that looked pissed off in the way only an iguana can.
“Jeff?”
“Yeah, baby.”
“I’m not screaming because they’re sentient. But I’d really love it if you would, you know, set phasers on full or something.”
“We do not kill except in battle,” Iguana Number One said to me.
“Right. Talking is good. Our iguanas don’t talk. As a rule.”
“We are not iguanas,” Iguana Number One said huffily. Iguana Number Two just glared at me.
“Right. Komodo dragons?”
“How dare you—” Bitch Leader was giving it a go again.
“SHUT UP!” I couldn’t do the Martini bellow, but I was pretty good. They all cowered. “Aww, it’s okay, Harlie.” The poor little Poof was cowering, too. “I’m not mad at you. Unless you’re going to turn into something horrible. Then we might have to agree that I cook you.” I patted it gently. Harlie purred and rubbed against my hand.