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If you can write to Dr. Ozzy about this, your missus can surely have a quiet word with her sister. Not, “Your husband’s an incompetant, whingeing arsehole,” but something more like, “Look, our two husbands have been butting heads on this DIY project, and I’m worried that if they keep at it they might fall out, and I’d really hate that to happen, so why don’t we tell ’em to take a break from working together on the house for a while?” The alternative is to just put up with it—but in my experience of having renovated half the Western hemisphere with Sharon, people get very stressed-out during construction, and at some point another, voices will be raised… or worse.
IV: SPOUSES & IN-LAWS
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I have three small kids and would love to live nearer my mum so she can help out. My husband is refusing to move, however, based on the advice of his late father to “never live in the same town as your mother-in-law.” How can I change his mind?
It’s one thing saying, “I married you, not your mum” when you’re footloose and fancy free, but it’s quite another when you’ve got three little kids—which can feel like having three full-time jobs sometimes. If your husband’s putting his foot down, then I think it’s perfectly to reasonable for you to say to him, “Okay then, either you need to chip in more with the work around the house, or you need to earn more money so we can afford some extra help.” Faced with a choice between his free time or his beer money, living a bit closer to your mum might suddenly begin to seem like a brilliant idea.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My mother-in-law is the world’s worst cook. How can I avoid eating her food without offending her?
Get a dog. That way, you can look like a hero by filling up your plate and then coming back for more… while passing down handfuls of lumpy mashed potato to your four-legged friend under the table. Just don’t get a dog that’s too big: having a ten-stone Rottweiler burping and slobbering by your feet’s go
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My wife has suddenly started going to a local “happy clappy” church. I’m not religious at all, and to be honest with you, I find it all very disturbing. Is it possible to have a marriage where one person is an atheist and the other is a devout Christian?
Some people turn to God like others turn to cocaine—usually ’cos there’s something missing in their lives. I had a very good friend who was an addict for years, and the second he gave it up, he became a Jesus-freak. It was like he swapped one for the other. Talk to your wife about it. See if you can find out what it is that’s making her so intense all of a sudden. But if she continues this way, there’s go
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My partner is divorced and has three kids who don’t live with us. The trouble is, he never stops talking about them. He even talks to me about his bloody ex-wife! It’s driving me mad, but I’m afraid to mention it, in case he thinks I’m narrow-minded.
I’ve had first-hand experience of this problem, and it’s a tough one. At one point I was spending so much time juggling between my first wife, Thelma, and my second wife, Sharon, I’d come home and call the missus “Tharon”—which earned me more than a few black eyes, believe me. Over in California, you hear of these weird families where everyone’s divorced and remarried but still friends, but that’s gotta be pretty fucked up. I mean, we’re all human. It sounds to me like you’ve started to feel a bit like the booby prize when it comes to your bloke. My advice would be to talk to him about it, but do in a way that doesn’t sound like a criticism. Put yourself in his shoes; ask yourself what it would be like if you had a little boy or girl from another marriage, and how much you’d love them and want to stay in touch. But then explain to him that you have feelings, too, and that you need to know how you fit into his world.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My mother-in-law complains to me—in detail—about how my father-in-law fails to satisfy her in bed. What sort of brain eraser do you recommend? (I’m tempted by the Smith & Wesson method.)
As far as my kids are concerned, having sex over the age of 45 should be illegal. Never in a million years would I talk to them directly—never mind their partners—about giving one to their mum (although if they read this book they ain’t go
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My parents don’t get along with each other any more, but they’re so old now—late 60s and early 70s—they don’t want to divorce and end up living alone. The trouble is, their unhappiness with each other is making everyone around them miserable. Any words of wisdom?
It’s not what they should do, it’s what YOU should do. Call a family meeting. I do this all the time when something’s bothering me. Tell your folks that their bickering is getting everyone down, and that it’s reaching the point where it’s giving you so much anxiety, you don’t even want to spend time with them any more—which makes you sad, ’cos you love them both very much. If they still can’t resolve their problems after that, ask if they can at least make an effort to be civil to each other while you’re around.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My wife gets very aggressive during her “time of the month,” but if I point this out, she gets even angrier. What can I do about this?
If there are four words that a married man should never say to his wife—especially during an argument—it’s “time of the month.” It’s the atomic bomb option, and the bomb’s only ever go
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I want to propose to my girlfriend. The trouble is, her father died ten years ago, and now she has a stepfather who she doesn’t really like. Do I need to ask his permission?