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Dear Dr. Ozzy,
My son has failed (or near enough) all his high school exams. The only career option for him now is manual labour, but he doesn’t seem to care. How can I motivate him to do better?
I was the same when I was a kid—and it wasn’t until 20 years later that I found out it was all related to my dyslexia and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). Your son should get checked out for both those things, ’cos there’s a lot of help available now. The good news is that it’s never too late to get an education these days, thanks to computers and the internet. When I was at school, 300 years ago, it was different: when you were out on yer ear, you were out on yer ear. It was the factory, or signing up as ca
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My 16-year-old son says he’s gay, but I think it’s just the crowd he’s hanging out with. Is there anything I can do—like hiring an escort, maybe—that might change his mind?
To be honest with you, Neil, I take my hat off to your son for coming out to his old man at such a young age. That takes serious balls, and I very much doubt he’d go to all the bother if he wasn’t a thousand million per cent sure. I mean, I have a gay relative, and he told me that he always knew he was gay, from as young as he could remember. Hiring an escort would just be an insult—not to mention illegal and more than a bit creepy. Don’t do it, man. What’s important is to tell your kid you love him and support him whether he’s gay, straight, bi, trans, whatever. However awkward this might be for you, it’ll feel like the end of the world for him if he thinks he’s being rejected.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Like you, I have a son from another marriage. The problem is, I find it hard to co
This is a common problem with men. I remember trying to talk to my own dad—every time I said anything to him, it was like, “What now, son?” or “I’m busy, can we talk about this later?” But times have changed. Fathers aren’t these distant, scary figures any more. Still, it can be difficult with a son you don’t see very often, so what I suggest—even though I don’t drink any more—is to go out for a quiet pint with him. As long as you don’t get blasted, it might loosen you up a bit. At the very least, just show willingness to get together, and it’ll happen naturally. Whatever you do, don’t put it off. Feeling embarrassed is nothing compared to the regret of missing out on your kid’s life.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My 15-year-old daughter has started to dress in a way that would befit an employee of Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas. How do I explain to her that this will bring her the wrong kind of male attention, without sounding like a boring old fart?
Unfortunately, all fathers who have girls have to go through this stage in their lives, and it ain’t pleasant. Obviously you’ve gotta talk to her (or better yet, get her mother to talk to her). But there’s only so far you can take it, ’cos at the end of the day she might just go, “Okay, Mum and Dad, you’re right,” then get changed into her mini-skirt and fishnets in the garden shed, or in the back of her best mate’s car. The thing is, she probably wants male attention—maybe there’s one boy in particular she’s interested in—but she has to work out for herself how to tell between the “right” and “wrong” kind. As I always say to other parents, hold on to your drawers, and hope she grows out of it.
III: SIBLINGS
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
None of my siblings get along, but they all insist on getting together every year at Christmas. I’m already dreading it—but staying away isn’t an option, unless I want a war with my mother. Any tips on getting through the day?
If you think your family is bad company at Christmas, you should have been at the Osbournes’ during my drinking days. It wasn’t exactly merry, put it that way: by the end of the day, I’d be half-naked, covered in cranberry sauce, and throwing bricks at people. Then there was the year I bought two 28-gallon barrels of beer—bitter and mild—and set them up in my home studio. I got through both of ’em in less than a week. In fact, it got to the point where I was getting up in the night to use the toilet, and having a quick pint on my way back to bed. My ex-wife would find me the next morning, passed out in the slops. To answer your question, though: if I were you, I’d use the two rules of family gatherings—arrive early, and leave early. I understand you’ve got to show your face, but there’s nothing to stop you keeping the torture to a minimum.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My dad is close to having a nervous breakdown over my 25-year-old sister’s choice of boyfriend. He’s is an illegal immigrant and a heavy dope smoker with (I’m not kidding) a tattoo of a pork chop and two chicken drumsticks on his chest. What can I do to put her off him?
If you want someone to do something, tell them NOT to do it. This guy could be an axe-murderer, but if you say to your sister, “Look, he doesn’t fit the mould” (or if you call immigration) she might just run off with him. You shouldn’t lie, though, and neither should your old man: if your sister asks for approval, you should both come clean and tell her what you think. I’ve had all sorts come into my house over the years to see my girls… although most of the time they don’t approve of me, not the other way around. My guess is that eventually your sister will think to herself, “What am I doing with this pork chop dickhead?” In the meantime, tell your dad to hold on, this stage will pass.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My brother is 30 going on 13. He has never lived on his own, and my parents won’t kick him out. What can I say/do to get him to pull his head out of his backside and grow up?
When I was growing up in England, this problem was always the other way round—parents wanted their kids to look after them. It was the only reason why most people had kids in the first place. These days, I know grown men in their fifties who are still living their with their folks. It’s fucking unbelievable, man. I mean, what happens when you want to bring a girl home to give her a good old seeing to, and your mum comes in halfway through to bring you a cup of tea and a sandwich? It doesn’t exactly look very smooth does it? At the end of day, though, people do what they want to do, and there ain’t much you can say to stop ’em. Especially brothers. Although you might want to buy yours a DVD of The 40-Year-Old Virgin, to give him a glimpse of the future.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My wife’s brother-in-law is a handyman/contractor, so we feel obliged to use him for all our jobs around the house. The problem is, he’s useless, and he complains all the time. How can we get ourselves out of this awkward situation? (My wife sees her sister every day, so she doesn’t want any tension or weirdness.)