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No. But if you want to keep the peace, why not ask the mother and the stepfather at the same time? It’s never a bad idea to suck up to the in-laws, ’cos if you’re anything like me, at some point you’re go
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m convinced my husband has fallen in love with one of his colleagues, but I don’t think he’s having an affair—yet. Should I do nothing, or confront him? I’d prefer it if he had a one-night stand than a close emotional relationship with another woman.
Unless you have convincing evidence that something dodgy’s going on, I’d leave it alone. Otherwise, your husband could end up saying to himself, “Oh, well she thinks I’m messing around anyway, so why not go for it?” Or you could make him defensive, and then he might start to lie, and then you’ll have this big wedge between you. The absolute last thing you want to do is make it You vs. Them, ’cos that’ll just make ’em closer. One sneaky tactic you could use is to befriend this woman and start hanging out with her all the time—the old “keep your enemies closer” game. Not that Sharon would ever do that, mind you. If she ever suspected anything, she’d be round the other woman’s house in a heartbeat, breathing fire all over the place, and scaring the living shit out of her.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
This will make me sound like a chauvinistic pig, but I hate the fact my wife earns far more than me. It’s not like she brags, but it’s driving me insane that she pays for everything, from the na
I know exactly how you feel. When I first started seeing Sharon, I was the smelly guy who’d pissed away all his money and been fired by his band, and she was one with diamonds and fur whose dad was a multimillionaire. It made me feel terrible. In fact, I think it would make any man feel terrible unless he’s some kind of gigolo who preys on loaded women. It might be an old-fashioned way of looking at the world, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to provide. If that ain’t an option, though, you just need to make sure the missus knows you’re grateful—maybe by cooking di
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My wife insists on going to therapy every week, but as the earner in the family, I get lumped with the bills. Now the therapist is telling my wife she needs an expensive holiday—and that she should stand up to me more on “financial issues”! So I’m paying someone to make me poorer and ruin my marriage. What should I do?
I’ve been in a similar situation myself, and there’s an easy solution: suggest to the missus that you go along to one of her “sessions,” so you can say to the therapist in person, “Look, I resent the fact I’m forking out good cash to help my wife, and all you’re doing is poisoning her against me.” Or you could just punch the guy in the face, and go, “Analyse that.” Seriously, though: you’ve gotta give your side of the story. Therapists aren’t superhuman, they’re just paid to listen (and make suggestions, in some cases). If your wife refuses to let you go, then it might be time to get suspicious. She could be using her weekly “sessions” as a cover up for something else, possibly involving the pool boy.
Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Flesh & Blood
1. Which well-known historic person was sold to human traffickers by his family when he was a kid?
a) Martin Luther King
b) Joseph from the Bible
c) Oliver Cromwell
2. What’s the most number of babies (allegedly) ever born to one woman?
a) 71
b) 102
c) 69
3. In 2010, a woman in New Mexico, USA, did what to her daughter-in-law during a fight?
a) Ripped off her nipple
b) Pushed her out of a tenth-floor window
c) Tattooed “FOR SALE” on her forehead
4. According to therapists, what is the secret to a successful marriage?
a) Using flattery and persuasion
b) A bonk every other day
c) Being a total loser
5. How old was the youngest (confirmed) mother in medical history?
a) 7
b) 6
c) 5
Surgery: Not Just for Professionals
5
If You Want Something Done… Do It Yourself
Okay, before we start this chapter, I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea: I ain’t saying you should go out and buy a hacksaw, a pair of barbeque tongs, and tube of Super Glue, then try and remove one of your own kidneys. If something’s bothering you, and you’ve got any choice in the matter, go to a fucking doctor—a real one, not Dr. Ozzy—instead of trying to fix the problem yourself. Especially if it involves chopping something off, taking something out, or making your tits bigger.
Sometimes, though, doing it yourself is the only way to go. Like that guy who went hiking in Utah, got stuck under a rock, then had to chop off his own arm. If he hadn’t been willing to get his hands dirty, he’d still be under that rock today. Then there was the famous case of that chick in Mexico who went into labour when she was all alone and in the middle of nowhere (she lived halfway up a mountain, and her husband was down the pub). She didn’t want to risk going into labour, ’cos her last baby had been born dead, so she chugged half a bottle of rubbing alcohol, got out the kitchen knife, gave herself a C-Section, then passed out. The kid was fine… although he had a bit of a hangover.[3]
Obviously it’s unlikely you’ll ever find yourself in such a heavy duty situation. On the off-chance, though, I recommend tearing out the next few pages and keeping ’em with you at all times.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I think my arm is broken, but I don’t have health insurance (I live in the United States) and I don’t want to end up getting a bill for thousands of dollars from a hospital emergency room. Is there a fail-safe (and painless) way to make your own plaster-cast?
Okay Stephen, this is what you have to do: get yourself down to the local Wal-Mart and buy three paper cups, some sticky-backed plastic, a pen, four knitting needles, and a ball of string. You’ll also need a lemon, some ice, and tube of toothpaste. Oh, and a bag of cement mix. Lay it all out on the kitchen table. Then take a deep breath. When you’ve done all that… GO. TO. A. DOCTOR. Honestly, are you fucking mad? Even if you don’t have any dough, the E.R. will still treat you, and you can deal with the debt-collectors later. Trust me, your arm is going to be a lot more useful than any cash you might lose.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
If I ever had to remove my own leg in an emergency (say, I was trapped under something heavy while a long way from home, as in the movie 127 Hours), how difficult would it be?
3
I ain’t making this up. The mum’s name is Ines Ramirex Perez, and she had the baby on March 5, 2000 (according to the Associated Press).