Incandescent

“I wish I got there sooner. Wish I could take it all back.” He leans in kissing my temple. Before I can reply, he promptly turns and leaves Nix and me alone. Turning back to face Nix, I see his concern for his friend written all over his face.

“Will he be okay?”

“I’ll keep an eye on him.”

I nod, knowing that I trust that he will. He won’t let anything happen to his brothers. “Have you come to take me home?” I ask, hoping to get out of here. If I have to stay in any longer, I’m going to scream.

“Not yet, babe, you got one more night. Then you’ll be free.” I pout at the thought of another night here. I can’t even scream; my lungs, chest, and sides hurt too much.

“Well, can you at least take me to Holly?” I ask hopeful.

Nix clears his throat, an uncertainty crosses his face.

“Umm, Holly’s not takin’ visitors,” he informs me, shifting in his chair.

“What do you mean she’s not taking visitors?”

“Her brother’s guardin’ the door. No one's allowed in.”

“Well, he has to let me in,” I argue back, certain he will be fine with me seeing her.

“Babe.”

“Don’t babe me, Nix. She is my best friend. I'm not leaving her alone in this. Take me to her room,” I demand. Panic starts to rise. I know Holly. I know she won't want me turned away.

“Okay, Kadence, just calm down.” He moves forward, pushing the button to call for the nurse.

I need to see her, need to know she doesn’t blame me for what happened, even though I blame myself.

***

Five minutes later, Nix is wheeling me down to Holly’s room, my drip still attached to the pole extending from my wheelchair. Belle came when Nix pressed the nurse call button, and after seeing me in my crying mess, agreed to organize a wheelchair. Holly’s parents stand outside in the hall with their eldest son, Sam.

“Oh, Kadence.” Holly’s mom comes rushing forward to me. The tears come harder, knowing it’s not just my life affected; they too hurt because of me, because of Zane.

“Hey, Mrs. McAdams.” She barely contains the gasp when she hears my voice and sees my injuries up close. I haven’t looked in the mirror, but the look on her face shows me it's not great. Geez, the boys didn’t even flinch. Much.

“How is she?”

“Not good, dear,” she tells me, worry etched in her brow.

“Can I see her?”

“No!” Holly’s older brother yells out, stepping away from the door.

“Sam,” his mother scolds him.

“No, Mom, if it wasn’t for Kadence, this never would have happened.” I drag in a sharp breath at his words, while Nix steps up beside the wheelchair.

“Watch yourself.” The threat is louder than his voice. “I know you mean somethin’ to my girl, so I’m go

“Like fuck I don’t,” Sam argues back, stepping forward into Nix’s space. Sam is tall like Nix, but lacks the build. However, the fire burning behind his eyes suggests he wouldn’t care if he was up against the Hulk; he just wants to protect Holly. “Her ex shot her. She lost the baby,” he chokes out.

My breath stops for a moment. The thumping sound in my ears rings loudly, blocking everything around me. My heart feels like someone just twisted it out of my chest.

“What?” the word barely comes out as I push it past the bile rising in my throat.

“The baby,” he repeats. “You didn’t know?” He asks incredulously.

Is this why she has been acting strange the last three weeks? I knew something was up, but this?

“Baby?” I choke the word foreign to my lips.

“She was seven weeks along,” Holly’s mom cries softly beside me. “She only just found out. I only just found out,” she adds.

I can’t believe Holly didn’t tell me; that she kept it from me. I know Holly likes to date, but I also know she is very careful. Who is the father? Does she know? Is that why she didn’t tell me?

“Let me in, Sam,” I demand, the urge to see her growing with every question my head keeps throwing out.

“No, she doesn’t want to see you.”

“Bullshit,” I say, not believing the lie.

“Kadence, she won’t see anyone,” he sighs, his features drained. “You need to give her time.”

“No, I’m not leaving. She was with me every step of the way when I needed her. You know she’s not thinking straight. She needs me, Sam. Don’t make me let her down,” I plead. If anyone knows just how much Holly means to me, it’s Sam. He lived through the nightmares of me pushing everyone away. Holly is my person. There is no way in this world I'm going without letting her know I’m here. I won’t leave her alone. He must see through my plea, the agony on my face. My best friend is mourning the loss of a child alone and only twenty feet away from me

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He steps aside, letting Nix push me forward.

“Go away,” Holly’s voice calls out as soon as Nix opens the door, and pushes me into the darkened room.

“No,” I simply say. I’ve been in this situation before; the realness of it so raw, only this time we’re on opposite sides.

“Kadence, I don’t want to talk,” she snaps as Nix pushes me closer to her bed. Leaning down, he brushes his lips to my temple. “I’ll just be outside the door.” I nod, letting him know I’ll be fine.

“Fuck off, Kadence,” Holly sneers.

“I’m not going anywhere, Holly,” I calmly tell her, even though I can feel her pull away.

“Holly,” I begin, ready to apologize, wanting her to see that if I could take it away, I would.

“Kadence, I don’t want to talk about it,” she warns; her cool and angry state slowly starts to slip.

“That’s okay, Holly. We don’t have to talk, but I’m not leaving you, babe, so shut up and let me be here for you.” She looks over at me, her eyes empty. It stings my eyes and burns my throat that she looks broken, so defeated. A runaway tear rolls down her face, the slow descent followed by another.

“I didn’t know how to tell you.” Her voice breaks as the first, raw sob breaks free.

“It’s okay, Holly.” I reach out and take her hand, squeezing it. I hold back the urge to cry out at the injustice of it, the ugliness that I’ve brought into her life. I need to be strong, for her, for me.

“No, it’s not. Everything is fucked, Kadence.” Her tears become uncontrollable as her sobs take over her body. The pain and devastation of what she’s lost, sinks in all around us in the darkness of her hospital room.

“Do you remember when I was laying in the hospital after that last surgery?” I ask. “I was broken and feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to deal with anyone looking at me?” She nods, remembering that dark time, her eyes looking heavier and heavier.

“You climbed into my bed, and you held me and didn’t let go, and then you said something to me that I would never forget. You told me, ‘Kadence, everything is going to be okay, just not today.’” She shakes her head no, squeezing her eyes tightly shut, like it will stop the words from coming. “You were right, Holly.” I hold back the lump building in my throat, watching her deny my words.

“You’re going to be okay, Holly. Just not today.” A sob escapes her, and I can’t help but follow her into a state of distress. The nurse comes in, trying to calm her as she breaks down. I want to climb into bed with her, hold her, and take away the devastation she is living, but I can’t. Instead, I sit here helpless and watch them as they administer something into her drip.

I hold my best friend’s hand, the only comfort I can give her as I watch her body fight the pull of the darkness. I don’t let go. I don’t leave her alone, knowing she would do it for me, has done it for me. And I do it knowing those words she once told me hold more truth than I’ve ever known: she’s going to be okay. We both are.