Every Wrong Reason

I shrugged helplessly. My chin trembled too violently for me to respond. I didn’t know if it helped or not. I didn’t know if it was true or not. I didn’t know what to say.

Seeing that I couldn’t speak anymore, he patted my shoulder with his hand and gave me a sad smile. “Good luck, Kate. I hope it works out for you.”

“Me too,” I whispered, even while I knew I didn’t deserve for it to work out. Even while I knew it probably wouldn’t.

I stepped into the elevator and he let me go down alone. I was thankful for that. I was thankful for him. As far as divorce lawyers went, he was one of the good ones.

Not that I knew very many.

The elevator doors closed behind me and took me to the ground floor. I left the building, walked to my car and got inside.

I drove home. I walked inside my house. I collapsed on my couch and I started to cry.

I didn’t stop for a very long time.

Nick never came after me.

Chapter Twenty-Four

31. I love him.

My mom called later in the day. She wanted to know how mediation went. She wanted me to get the dog.

I didn’t want to move for the next forty years.

“How did it go?” she asked impatiently.

“Not well.”

“Are you divorced?” Her tone was panicked and concerned. She rarely sounded panicked or concerned. “Is it final?”

I sniffled. “No. No, it’s not final.” I didn’t explain to her that we couldn’t have finalized it in mediation. That there were more steps to it than this. It didn’t matter now because if I had any say about it, I would never take those steps. Nick would have to go on living his life forever anchored to me. I would be the ball and chain that never let him move on.

He’d have to become a polygamist if he wanted to get married again.

Oh, god, what if he wanted to get married again?

I collapsed back to my side and let out a high-pitched whimper. “Kate? Katherine? What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I couldn’t go through with it,” I cried.

“Go through with what?” Her patience had run out. She had started shrieking.

“The divorce, Mom! I couldn’t go through with the divorce!”

“Oh.” Her tone evened out and she sounded obnoxiously pleased. “Well, that’s a good thing.”

I started crying harder. It wasn’t a good thing if Nick still wanted one.

“Oh, Kate,” she sighed. “It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to work out.”

She had never said that before. Not once since I told her Nick and I were going to end things.

“How do you know?” I croaked.

“Because you love each other. Because you went through some hard times, but you’ve never stopped loving each other.”

Ladies and gentlemen, my mother, the closet romantic.

I propped myself up on my elbow. Some of my tears dried and I took a steadying breath. “He didn’t say he didn’t want to end the divorce. He might still want one.”

“He doesn’t,” she said confidently.

“How do you know?”

She sighed again, only this time I could hear the smile in her voice. “Because he’s a good man, honey. He’s a good man that loves you.”

“I thought you hated him?”

“Katherine Claire, I am your mother. I always want what’s best for you. I suppose we were a little harsh with Nick because… well, because I didn’t think he was giving you the life you deserved. But when you left him, I realized I was wrong.” She cleared her throat while my entire world tipped on its axis. Did my mother just say she was wrong? Had I prayed a little too hard for that zombie apocalypse? “In comparison to your life of loneliness, he was the best thing for you. No matter what his profession.”

I let the passive aggressive digs slide and said honestly, “Thanks, mom.”

“I love you, Kate.”

“I love you too.” I sat up fully and added, “I can’t come to di

“Twice.”

“What?”

“Come twice a month and I won’t bug you about it again.”

“Okay,” I laughed. “I’ll come twice.”

“We can keep the dog another night, too. Your father has grown really attached. I think I’m going to have to buy him one by the end of it.”

I blamed my heartbroken exhaustion, but nothing she was saying was making sense. “Buy him what?”

“A dog,” she muttered. “Like this one. I might have to hit it with my car too just so he can feel needed.”

“Who?”

“Your father, Kate. Keep up! He won’t watch TV anymore unless the dog is curled up on his lap. It’s ridiculous. You should see the way he babies it! You’ll help me find the right breed, won’t you?”

Feeling sufficiently exhausted and completely weirded out, I nodded. Then I realized she couldn’t see me and so I said, “Oh, okay. If you think he really wants one.”

My dad had never loved anything in his life. Not even me! Okay, that wasn’t true. But small animals were definitely not on his short list. They ranked right under traffic for things he could not tolerate.

I couldn’t picture him cuddled up with A

I wasn’t sure I wanted to picture him cuddled up with A

“Alright, get some sleep. Your dad will bring the dog back to you tomorrow.”

“Thanks, mom.”

She clicked off and I dropped my phone on the cushion beside me. That was the most bizarre conversation I had ever had with my mother.

It beat the birds and the bees talk she tried to have with me when I was fourteen.

It had been too late by that point. I went to public school and there was this thing called TV.

I knew everything I needed to know.

I figured the logistics out later. As God and my sanity intended.

I felt oddly at peace then. Everything wasn’t quite so dismal. My mom believed Nick still loved me, so that had to mean something, right?

That peace carried me through the rest of the day and eventually I was able to get up off the couch and at least change clothes.

I stripped off my pencil skirt and blouse and replaced it with yoga pants and a racerback tank. They were workout clothes, but I was not pla

Unless one considered inhaling a couple gallons of ice cream working out.

But mostly I needed the clothes for their stretchiness.

I walked down the stairs, anxious to get started on my ice cream marathon when I saw him. The sight of him there, in the entryway, standing so tall and looking so beautiful, nearly made me face plant down the remaining four stairs.

I caught myself on the railing, but my stomach took the tumble anyway.

“What are you doing here?”

He stood there out of breath with his shoulders heaving, as if he’d run all the way here. His mouth was set with determined lines. His eyes were so intent, so intimately focused… but maybe a little lost too. Or maybe it was something deeper than lost. Something profound and permanent that reflected in my eyes too. Something like finally being found. “You still don’t know?”

I shook my head and tried to swallow. “No.”

“You, Kate. I’m here for you.”

I carefully made my way down the rest of the stairs and took a step toward him. It was strange being in this place. I felt like my emotions had taken steroids. There were too many of them. And they were at war with each other.

The man that I wanted, the marriage that I wanted, stood right in front of me and still I had to fight my pride and swallow humility. I had to choose to let go of our past and hold onto the hope that we had a future. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, but I needed to choose the best things… the things that would move us forward and give us healing.

It wasn’t easy. It was the opposite. It was traumatizing and against my nature. I knew I was stubborn. I knew I was a control freak. I knew I had a thousand faults that only this man could love.