Every Wrong Reason

We were so broken. I was so broken.

Yet I wanted this more than anything in the world. More than I had ever wanted anything else in my entire life.

And I knew, without any doubts or misgivings, that if I let him go… if I gave up on our marriage and walked away, I would regret it every single day for the rest of my life.

More than that, I would be giving up a quality of life. I would be letting the best thing in my life go. I would have to resign myself to a secondhand citizenship in my own life and I could not do that.

I didn’t deserve it.

He didn’t deserve it.

We didn’t deserve it.

Before I could create words and explanations and apologies out of all of that, he stepped forward again, closing the distance between us and said, “I’m sorry, Katie. I’m sorry for everything.” When I saw real tears reflected in his deep blue eyes, I immediately burst into tears. I couldn’t help it. I had never seen him like this before.

“Nick, you don’t have to-”

“I do. I need to say all of this. It’s stuff I should have said years ago. I should never have let us get this far. I should never have let you go. Not once.” More hot tears spilled down my cheeks and I nodded, letting him go on. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t let go of the band. It was stupid. It was stupid of me to hold onto it for so long. I haven’t wanted it, not really anyway, for a long time. But I hated the taste of failure and disappointment and when I looked at you, with this career that you loved and all of your success, I just couldn’t… I couldn’t deal with that. I was stubborn in a way that deeply hurt us… hurt you and I’m sorry I did that to us.” I opened my mouth to answer him, but he held up his hand and with a small smile said, “Please wait. There’s more.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry I didn’t take the burden off you financially. I know you will teach no matter what I do, but I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I will never do it again. And it’s not because I don’t think you’re capable or that you weren’t handling it. I know you are and I know you did. But we are in this together. We have to be in this together. We’re a partnership. One-half isn’t greater or less than the other. We are two halves that make one whole. I’m sorry I stopped us from being equals.”

He took another step toward me and we were only an inch apart. I felt him this time and it was real. I felt his body heat. I smelled him, the way only he could smell. I could reach out and touch him if I wanted… if I wasn’t so afraid he would shatter into glass, proving I had conjured him up in my depression.

“I’m sorry we haven’t had a baby yet. I’m sorry I haven’t done everything in my power to find out what’s wrong and give you the thing you want most. I’m sorry I ignored you and neglected you and treated you cruelly. I’m sorry I let us drift apart while we were together. I’m sorry I left you. And I’m sorry I stayed away for so long.

“There are so many things between us, Kate. I know we can’t just fix ourselves overnight. But I want you to know that I’m going to do everything I can to make this work. I am going to work as hard as I can. I am going to think of you first and show you love… show you how very much I love you. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep fighting with you and making you miserable. I can’t keep making myself miserable. We deserve so much more.” His blue eyes speared me with a heated, powerful look. “You deserve so much more. Because the truth is, I surrender too. To this. To us. To you.” He swallowed roughly, then with sincerity that rocked me to the center of my being, asked, “Will you forgive me?”

The words were stuck in my throat, clogged with too much emotion and racing each other to get out. I threw my body at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and flattening myself against his chest. He caught me. I knew he would. “Yes,” I whispered. “Yes, I forgive you.”

When he tightened his arms around my waist, it was different than before. He held me with promise, with hope. He held me in a way that was so permanent and lasting I felt it to my bones.

“I’m sorry, too,” I cried against him, wetting his shirt. “I almost don’t know where to begin. There are just too many things.” His fingers trailed gently through my hair, giving me courage to go on. “I’m sorry I didn’t respect you. I’m sorry I didn’t support you. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. I’m so sorry this got so convoluted.” I took a second to breathe through trembling sobs. “But most of all I’m sorry for leaving you too. I’m sorry I didn’t try to do everything I could to fix us first. I’m sorry I was so selfish.”

“It’s okay,” he whispered against my hair. “It’s going to be okay.” His lips touched my forehead and he said, “I should never have let you get away.”

Some of the old fear reared its ugly head and I tilted my face toward his. “Are we going to be okay?”

He pulled back so he could hold me with his gaze again. “We are. We’re already on our way to okay.” A tremulous smile tilted my lips and he mimicked it. “God, Kate, I have never loved anything or anyone like I love you. I know we’re going to make it because you are the most important thing in my life and I am tired of not treating you like that. I can’t let you go. I don’t want to let you go. I want to fix this, Katie. I want to shed all the bullshit and get to the center of things… the center of us. I love you, Kate. I’m never going to leave you again.”

I leaned up on my toes and pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw. He didn’t hesitate to dip his head and meet my mouth. His tongue swept over my bottom lip and then he deepened the kiss into a frenetic free fall of love and passion and apology.

We clung to each other as tightly as we could, as if the smallest space between us was intolerable. His mouth moved over mine greedily, hungrily… adoringly.

This was just a kiss, but so much more than anything we had ever done. This was more than sex, more than fighting, more than any hurt we could have ever caused each other.

We promised something new to each other, saying our vows all over again. This kiss became the begi

This wasn’t just a kiss. This was forgiveness. This was healing.

This was our future.

When he pulled back, it was to trail sweet kisses along my temple and down my cheek to the line of my jaw. He tasted my tears and I felt cherished.

I felt loved again.

He took my hands and led me to our couch. We sat down, tangled in each other with the words to his song hanging behind us and the home we’d built surrounding us.

“It was all for you,” he murmured.

“The job?”

“That was the start of it,” he agreed. I had my head on his chest, listening to the beautiful cadence of his heart, but I felt him nod. “The night I left I knew I’d lost the best thing in my life. I knew I’d lost everything. The job was first. I knew I couldn’t come back to you without one.” He laughed at himself, ru

I sat up quickly, facing him, letting him see the truth in my expression. “You’re not one. Nick, I never thought that. No matter what we fought over or how damaged we became, I never thought you were a deadbeat. I wanted to support your dreams. I did for as long as I could, but… but there came a point when I didn’t think you wanted it anymore. It felt like you were just hanging on to it because that was all you could think of. I saw so much potential in you, Nick. It destroyed me to see you give up.”

His hand, filled with callouses from his guitar, cupped my jaw. “I know that now. I didn’t then because I didn’t want to see it. I wanted to blame someone. I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted someone else to feel like I did. I’m sorry that was you. I will never let it happen again.”