Every Wrong Reason

I held on to that small portion of hope. I clung to it. I couldn’t sit here and enter into this discussion if I really thought Nick hated me.

When had that changed?

I reached for the cold bottle of water that had been set out for me and took a shaking sip.

Nick took a seat across from me and his lawyer followed. Marty Furbish walked into the room and took a seat at the head of the table. Ryan made an a

When we were finally settled, Nick leveled me with a steely gaze and said with finality, “I want this finished today. Whatever it takes… however long it takes… I want this to be done.”

The lawyers looked at me next. I forced words from my lips. Words I wasn’t sure I felt. “Me, too.”

Marty let out a pleased sigh. Mr. Cavanaugh relaxed just barely, but I felt it next to me. He wanted this over as much as I did.

“Good,” Ryan Templeton nodded. “Now, if we can all apply a little give and take, we can finish this part and move on to the next. You’ll be divorced before you know it.” His smile was meant to ease the tension in the room. But it did the opposite.

I felt a panic attack slide over my skin, squeezing my lungs and blurring my vision.

I thought we were here because we couldn’t stand each other? I thought that was the whole point of it?

So why did it feel like my heart had been shredded? Why couldn’t I breathe? This wasn’t like before when the sorrow of our failed marriage had weighed so heavily on me. This new pain pressed me into the earth… threatened to bury me alive.

This was worse somehow. This felt like I would never be able to catch my breath again. This felt like endless drowning and an emptiness so vast I would be forever lost in it.

Somehow I had stopped worrying about how much we’d hurt each other in the past and started worrying about how much we would hurt without each other in the future.

A few months ago, I couldn’t imagine living my life in the same pattern of crazy we had been stuck in. And now I couldn’t imagine my life without this man in it.

What was I doing?

Was I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Yes.

Yes.

I had asked myself that question countless times over the last several months, but I finally had an answer.

Yes.

A loud, resounding yes.

This was the biggest mistake of my life.

My lips were too dry. My mouth felt like someone had stuffed it with cotton balls. My throat was prickly and sore. But I couldn’t drink enough water.

I couldn’t quench this thirst.

My hands trembled badly, but there was nothing to calm my nerves.

I finally realized that I wanted to fight for my marriage and it was too late. I had finally realized that this man was everything to me. Even with his faults and flawed humanity. Even with our rocky history and hurtful past. This man, my husband, was my life. He was everything to me. He was my past and present. He was my future. He was my heart. My very soul.

But we had already a

He had moved out.

He’d gotten a new life.

We’d hired lawyers.

We were smack dab in the middle of mediation.

I had to go through with this. I had already made the decision. I just had to buck up and go through with it.

These were my consequences to pay. I had made this bed, now I needed to lay in it.

Forever.

Forever and ever and ever, amen.

Oh, damn.

Oh, shit.

Shit shit shit.

“She can have it all.” I heard the words, but they didn’t make sense. Nick kept talking. “The house, the dog. Whatever she wants, she can have it.”

“Nick,” his lawyer spit out. “I would recommend rethinking your position-”

“I don’t want it,” he growled. “I don’t want any of it.”

Tears filled my eyes. “But I do.”

I made a new decision. I decided it didn’t matter what we had done or who knew about the divorce or what anybody else in the entire world thought.

I could not let this man go.

I could not.

“Yeah, we know,” Ryan spit out rather unprofessionally. “That’s why you’re getting it.”

I jerked my chin and a lone tear escaped, rolling down my cheek. “No, that’s not what I mean. I don’t just want the house and the dog or the things. I want everything, Nick. I want… I want you.”

Looking at him across the table, I realized something so vitally important that it knocked every last breath out of me. I didn’t want a divorce because I didn’t love him anymore. I had never stopped loving him. Against all reason, against every valid argument I’d made against him and our marriage… I loved him.

His entire body reacted with my words. He sat back in his chair with a swift pull of motion. His head cocked back and his blue eyes flashed with something strong and piercing. “What?”

“I surrender,” I whispered raggedly. Whatever courage I had left, I gathered quickly to hold his furious glare.

“Kate.” His whisper was agonized, full of conflict and turmoil.

I struggled to swallow and smooth out my trembling voice. It didn’t help. “I surrender, Nick. To this.” I waved my hand between us. “To us. To you.”

Just as abruptly as he had leaned back, he shot forward and placed one palm on the shiny conference table. “You’re doing this now?”

Fear boiled inside me, superheating my insides, making me feel wobbly and off balance. But I had to get this out. I had to say this or I would hate myself for the rest of my life. “I don’t want a divorce.”

Mr. Cavanaugh jumped in, hoping to rescue me. “Ms. Carter, I think you should take a minute to think about this.”

I shook my head, acknowledging him, but not wanting to waste time to address him. “Nick, I was wrong. I was so wrong.”

“You can’t do this now.” He sounded pained, shocked and beyond confused. “Just the other night-”

“I’m not asking anything from you. I… I don’t even really know if I want anything from you. I just… I just can’t do this. I can’t go through with this. I’m sorry.”

“For what?” His words were a punch through the air.

Confusion roiled through me and I thought I would be sick. More tears spilled over and a shuddering sob racked my chest. I fumbled for my purse somewhere on the floor.

“For what?” Nick demanded. He stood up. His voice grew louder, commanding, desperate. “Katie, for what?”

I glanced wildly around the room, my eyes bouncing from his lawyer to mine, then out the window at the traffic far below.

“For this,” I whispered. “For all of it. For everything.”

Nick fell back in his chair, defeated and out of breath. I was his opposite- like usual. I jumped to my feet and for the second time since we began mediation, I fled the room.

I nodded once to Ryan Templeton, then turned to Mr. Cavanaugh. “I’m sorry for wasting your time, Mr. Cavanaugh.”

My feet stumbled over themselves as I raced out of the room. I needed fresh air. I needed to find a dark place so I could curl into the fetal position and rock myself into a stupor.

I needed so much tequila.

Like all the tequila.

A hand caught me just as I reached the elevator. For a fast second, my lungs filled with breath and hope zinged through me. But when I turned around and found that it was Mr. Cavanaugh and not Nick, my entire spirit crumpled.

“Ms. Carter… Kate, are you sure about this? Are you sure this is what you want? Because if you leave today, we are basically giving up our position. It will be much harder to argue in your favor.”

“I’m so sorry,” I sniffled. “But I’m sure. I’m positive. I can’t… I can’t do this.”

“Well, if you’re sure.”

“I am.”

His expression softened and some of his frightened concern receded. “If it helps any, I don’t think he wanted the divorce any more than you did.”