Every Wrong Reason

His words brought a fierce blush to my face, which I took as a good sign. See? I was interested in Eli. I liked his compliments. I liked his attention.

But then all of that was ruined when a rolling wave of nausea crashed through me and I thought I would be sick.

I swallowed back strong coffee and a hell of a lot of half-and-half and gave him a trembling smile. “Thank you for taking me out for coffee even if I’ve failed at conversation.”

He watched me for long moments. Something flashed in his eyes, dimming them slightly. I didn’t know him well enough to name every one of his emotions, but I was pretty sure this one could be called disappointment.

I nibbled on my lip self-consciously and tried to think of something to talk about.

“Has your school year improved?” he asked before I could say anything.

I threw myself into paying attention to him. “A little. I think the junior class is trying to get me to retire early. Really early. Possibly by Christmas break. But other than that it’s mostly battling freshman to remember everything they need for class and going to war with seniors who think they’re graduating tomorrow instead of in May.”

“Your year sounds a lot like mine,” he chuckled. “The juniors this year are something special.”

“You would think I knew what to expect since I’ve had them for the last two years. But they are pulling out all the stops this quarter. Actually, I have one class with both juniors and seniors that is truly a challenge. I had to break up a fight yesterday over some HBO show. I thought they were going to send each other to the hospital.”

“Who was it?”

“Jay Allen and Andre Gonzalez.” He nodded at me sympathetically. “If those two boys were able to combine their egos, I think they would usher in Armageddon. I’ve never had such egotistical maniacs in class at the same time before. It’s out of control.”

Eli let out a bark of laughter and leaned forward. His fingers brushed mine, but I had to be honest with myself and say I didn’t feel a single tingle or butterfly.

This was too soon for me.

That was abundantly clear.

“They really are something else,” he agreed. “If they both make it to graduation, it will be a miracle.”

That sobered me some. “I hope they do. Those two kids need high school diplomas. I don’t want to think of what their futures hold if they drop out.”

He canted his head and the corners of his lips drew down. “They might find a future like that anyway.”

I took a deep breath and pressed my lips together to keep from agreeing with him. This was the price we paid as teachers. It didn’t matter whether we worked in an i

That was the problem with caring so deeply for the kids I taught. I wasn’t really responsible for them. I had no control over their lives or the decisions they made. I gave and gave and gave and then hoped and hoped and hoped they learned something from me.

Eli downed the rest of his coffee and set his cup down on the small table that sat between us. “Thanks for hanging out with me.”

I clutched my huge, gray mug with both hands. “Thanks for inviting me.”

We were silent an awkward beat too long when he said, “You’re not ready for this.”

My eyes snapped up and widened at him. “What?”

His voice pitched low and soft, “I, uh, I thought you might be, you know, ready for something. You’re not. That’s okay. Obviously it’s okay. I just read this wrong. I wanted to apologize.”

“No, it’s not that I’m not ready… Well, I wouldn’t say that I am ready. But I’m not… not ready. I just… I don’t know… What I’m trying to say is…” I stopped talking. That was getting neither of us anywhere. I took a deep breath and met his steady gaze again. “Okay, maybe I’m not ready.”

 He chuckled and I wanted to die, except that his eyes were twinkling again and his smile looked genuine. “You’re not ready, Kate. I’m sorry I pushed you.”

“If I’m honest, I didn’t know you were pushing me. I thought I was… you know… ready to move on.”

“It’s okay.” His hand landed on mine and he squeezed. “I had unrealistic expectations I suppose.”

“Was it that easy for you to move on? I mean, it’s only been six months. We were married for seven years. But I guess you were married for longer than that, huh?”

His warm eyes looked like melting chocolate when they filled with sympathy for me. “By the time Naomi and I separated both of us were more than ready to move on. We had spent so many years at each other’s throats and wishing for change, that when we finally walked away from each other, both of us found peace we hadn’t known in a very long time. I think that made moving on easier.”

“Oh.” My thoughts tumbled together. Hadn’t the same been true for Nick and me? Was it just me that was having such a hard time moving on?

“That doesn’t mean dating is easier than it was before. It’s definitely as bad as I remember.”

I smiled at him. “You still want to settle down with someone? Even after your first marriage?”

He didn’t hesitate, “Definitely. Naomi and I weren’t right for each other, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong for everyone or everyone’s wrong for me. There’s someone out there for me.”

“There is someone out there for you,” I told him honestly. “You’re a good guy, Eli. I’m sorry this didn’t work out.”

He cleared his throat and murmured thoughtfully, “Me too.”

I stood up after that. I didn’t know what else to say. Unlike Eli, I didn’t have the same perspective. My marriage wrecked me. I couldn’t do that to myself again. I didn’t want to.

The thought of going through that much pain again terrified me.

I was positive I wouldn’t survive it.

And frankly, I couldn’t hurt someone again like I’d hurt Nick.

Eli stood up too and his hand settled on my shoulder, but it was filled with nothing but friendly affection. At least on my part.

“I’ll take you back to school so you can get your car,” he offered.

“Thanks.”

We parted ways on good terms. I didn’t think there was enough interest on his part for him to be truly upset that I hadn’t wanted more. And honestly, I hadn’t known I didn’t want more with him until we went out.

Eli was all the things that I thought I wanted. He was thoughtful. He was attentive. He tried. But even after all of that, if I was truly honest with myself, he was everything that I wanted and still not what I wanted.

I drove home wondering if things would have been different if he’d given me more time or if I had been more willing to let go of the marriage I thought I couldn’t wait to get out of.

I wondered how long it would take for me to get over Nick. If I’d ever be ready to move on.

I wondered if I’d ever heal.

If I’d ever find myself again.

Chapter Thirteen

20. He won’t apologize.

The next week hailed Halloween and I was in the worst funk of my life. The divorce hadn’t moved forward. Nick was being difficult as ever and I hadn’t had the energy to fight him. Eli hadn’t just backed off pursuing me; he’d backed off everything. I felt like I lost a friend and that hurt worse than I was willing to admit.

In fact, loneliness had set in like concrete ankle blocks and I was worried that if just one more thing went wrong in my life, I’d tip off the end of a dock and sink to the bottom of an endless ocean.

Was that too dramatic?

Maybe. But I also knew that I had never felt this profoundly alone before.