Every Wrong Reason

“I’m serious. You can be honest with me. I can take it.”

“No,” he said quickly. For a second I thought he was refusing to answer my question until he put a gentle hand on mine and continued, “You’re not a terrible person. You’re definitely not a complete bitch. You’re none of those things. Why would you think otherwise?”

I felt better. Even if I didn’t entirely believe him, my vanity was appeased. “I was just thinking about this divorce,” I explained quietly. “Suddenly Nick is refusing to do this amicably. He’s threatened to make this as difficult as possible. I just… I wondered if he was maybe punishing me for how awful I was to him during our marriage.”

Eli’s raised eyebrows dropped and scrunched together over the bridge of his nose. “I thought you said this was a decision you came to together?”

“We did. At least I thought we did. His behavior has been… confusing.”

“Has he changed his mind?”

“What do you mean?”

Eli frowned. “Does he not want to get divorced anymore?”

I took a step back, feeling shaken up and unsteady. “Of course he wants the divorce.”

“Then why is he being difficult?” Eli’s question landed with all the gentleness of a tank ru

I shook my head helplessly, “I don’t know.”

He didn’t say anything else about Nick. There wasn’t really anything left to say.

“I’m sorry, Eli. I’ve been super self-absorbed since you walked in. Did you need something?”

He let out a nervous laugh and I immediately regretted how I’d phrased my question. He held my gaze though and asked, “I was wondering if you had plans tonight.”

“Tonight?” I sounded like an idiot repeating him, but it was a school night. And by that, I meant a normal Tuesday…

Seeming to read my thoughts, he gri

“Coffee?”

“Or a different beverage. I mean, you’re not limited strictly to coffee. We could go for a soda instead. Or iced tea. Water even, if none of those, uh, sound good.”

I realized that my parroting had made Eli nervous. And other than finding it completely adorable, it was not my intention to make him suffer. I laughed, hoping to diffuse the tension. “Actually, coffee sounds really good. I could use some caffeine.” And then because I was still an idiot and didn’t want him to think that the only reason I agreed to go out with him was because I was sleepy, I said, “It will be fun to spend some time with you!” And then because I wasn’t sure if this was a date or not and I apparently had an addiction to sticking my foot in my mouth, I didn’t stop talking and said, “We never get to hang out just the two of us!”

Oh, my god, somebody tackle me.

Stop talking.

Eli’s expression told me clearly he had no idea what to think of me anymore, but he gifted me with a gentle smile and nodded once. “Good.”

I put the last of my papers in my tote bag and fumbled around for my classroom keys in my purse. “Do you have a favorite spot?”

“Yes.” His smile came more naturally as I shut off the lights and we moved to the quiet hallway so I could lock the door behind me. “It’s not Starbucks though. Does that bother you?”

“What?” I shook my head at him. “There are other places that make coffee besides Starbucks? You’re lying.”

He laughed at my sarcasm. “I would not lie about something like this. I take my coffee very seriously.”

“Well, I’ve never been much of a commercial coffee drinker.” I waved my to-go cup in the air. “I bring it from home.”

“I’m glad we share the same philosophy,” Eli said seriously.

“I can’t lie, mine’s more about me being late every morning. I never have time to stop.”

He threw his head back and laughed while I admired the strong column of his throat. God, I needed this. I needed to breathe a little and forget about the insanity of my divorce.

His gaze found mine again and with a sweetness I didn’t think still existed in the male race, said, “Can I drive you? I’ll swing you back by the school to pick up your car.”

I paused for a second so I wouldn’t trip over my tongue. “Yes.”

We chatted about our days and the school year so far as we dropped off my bags at my car then walked to his. My heart started to beat triple time and I was feeling a little sweaty.

Eli and I had been friends for so long that I shouldn’t feel this nervous. I only half paid attention to the small talk during our short car ride because inside I couldn’t stop freaking out long enough to focus on any one thing.

The entire drive to the coffee shop, my stomach churned anxiously, my mouth dried out and my palms started to itch. I fidgeted in the high bench seat of his truck but tried desperately not to be obvious.

He had to think I was crazy already. I didn’t need to fuel his opinion of me.

Yet, he’d asked me out.

And that was the problem, wasn’t it?

I had a tendency to overthink everything. And so, during the few moments I wasn’t obsessing over my own miserable life and divorce, I had thought about Eli and whether anything would progress with us. I hadn’t really thought he’d ask me out so soon, but I knew there was chemistry between us. Kara had left enough hints that I had started to prepare myself mentally for the day that he would ask me out.

But I hadn’t expected it today.

I thought he’d wait until my divorce was finalized and I’d had a little more separation from my husband than six measly months. I thought we’d continue to build a relationship slowly, enjoying friendship first and then, in the future, in the far, distant future, we’d naturally fall into something romantic.

Maybe.

If I ever got over the trauma of seven years of bad luck, er, my marriage.

And yet, he’d asked me today. Today, when I realized, that in all likelihood, I would have to spend the next several months in mediation with my not-yet-ex-husband. Today when all I wanted to do was go home, put my feet up and pour a bottle of wine into a fishbowl and drink it with a straw.

Maybe I didn’t even need the fishbowl.

Maybe I would guzzle it straight from the bottle.

That sounded so much easier.

I was nothing if not practical.

“Are you listening?” Eli’s dark gaze cut to mine.

I ruined any semblance of interest I had when I stupidly asked, “Huh?”

He looked down at his oversized cup of coffee and smiled into the black depths. Eli had brought me to a rustic, mountain-cabin-esque coffee house that was cute in the I-just-shot-a-twelve-point-buck kind of way. He drank his coffee bitter, dark as midnight and endlessly. I liked milk and sugar. I liked fru-fru and beverages that didn’t give me heartburn. I wanted whipped cream. Lots of whipped cream. When I ordered my latte, the cashier looked at me like I’d just asked for liquid skunk. “You sure?” he said. As if I would reconsider my order and pick battery acid instead.

But in the end I did. I was too self-conscious to go through with it. “Just a regular coffee, then,” I mumbled. “And some milk.”

I shouldn’t be that hard on the place, though. Despite my rough introduction, Eli had led me to oversized leather chairs that I could squish back in and tuck my feet beneath me. Now that we were leaned in close in our respective chairs, chatting over warm coffee while a light rain pelted the gloomy October afternoon, I felt more relaxed about the place- even if my bitter beverage was melting my insides.

Except I ruined the potentially romantic moment by letting my mind drift.

“I’m sorry,” I told him honestly. “I just… I don’t have an excuse.”

I was too embarrassed to look at him, but I heard the forgiveness in his voice when he said, “Yes you do. You’ve got a lot going on.”

I lifted my gaze shyly. “I hate that I always make our conversations about me and my problems.”

“Don’t be sorry. I like talking about you.”