Every Wrong Reason

I left home at eighteen and moved straight into a college dorm that I shared with Fiona for four years. I had spent summers in cheap apartments with friends. The year after graduation, while I pla

I had never lived on my own. I had never really been on my own before.

I knew eventually I would grow used to it. At first it was even kind of fun, maybe a little weird, but mostly fun. I could do whatever I wanted without consulting another person. But it quickly stopped being shiny and new and the loneliness crept up on me. It coated the house that I loved and tainted my activities.

School became my life because when I left there, I knew I would have to go home to an empty house and have no one to tell about my day or share my struggles except A

Sure, there was Kara, but even my best friend felt distanced by my issues. Besides, she had her own life to live. As close as we were, our entire relationship had revolved around my marriage. She always bent her schedule to meet my needs, to hang out when I didn’t have any other plans.

Now I was on the other side of that.

Her life didn’t revolve around me. I could understand that.

It was just hard when my life had revolved around someone else.

Now I felt lost. Adrift in a storm haunted sea.

A sunflower in a sunless sky. A flower that had no light to tilt my face to.

A year ago I had been so excited for Halloween. It really was one of the best holidays. It was all for fun. There were never family obligations to fulfill or gifts to buy or pies to bake. I could just celebrate something without extra stress.

Plus, I had always thought it was a great way to kick off the holiday season.

Until this year.

Halloween fell on a Saturday and I had no plans. Not even one.

Well, unless you counted the invitation from Kara to be a third wheel on her third date with the guy she met at her gym.

No, thanks.

They were headed to some super fun party and I couldn’t even muster enough energy to put shoes on.

I adjusted my cat ear headband and slumped down on the bench in my entryway. A huge bowl of candy sat in my lap and it was taking every ounce of self-control I had left not to tear into the wrapped sugar and flood my house with wrappers.

Apparently I’d jumped from the Divorce Diet to the Divorce-Eat-My-Weight-In-Chocolate Plan.

Which sounded awesome at this point.

The doorbell rang and I jumped, even though I had been expecting it. I moved to the door and pulled it open, ready for the trick-or-treating brigade I knew would be flooding my doorstep.

“Trick or treat,” Nick gri

I tried to hide my surprise while A

He shrugged one shoulder casually, “I wanted to donate to the cause.”

“You don’t have to.”

He took a step inside the house even though I hadn’t invited him. “This used to be my house too. I guess I’m not quite ready to give up our neighbors yet.”

I let out a weary sigh, “It’s still your house. At least until you sign the papers.”

I thought he would snap at me or start a fight. Instead, he cocked his head to the side and smiled. “Are you a mouse?”

“I’m a cat!” I adjusted the stupid headband I’d picked up at the gas station this morning and tried not to grimace.

“Oh.”

“What does that mean? Oh? And what are you? A robber?”

He shook his head and gri

“The Hamburglar?”

“From McDonald’s. Remember?”

“Oh, the mask. And the weird hat. I get it.”

He took another step until he could close the door behind him. “You don’t seem impressed.”

I’m wondering how you make that costume look so good… “I’m confused.”

“About?”

“Why are you here, Nick?”

“This conversation again? Honestly, Katie, did we talk about anything besides my location when we were married?”

I wanted to punch him. Instead, I stepped back, away from him and his cologne and that adorable costume and the bags of candy in his hands. If he could change topics without warning, so could I. “I thought you would have a gig tonight.”

He shook his head. “I’m not in the band anymore, remember?”

“Like at all? I thought that was just a temporary thing?” Something warm bloomed inside of me. It grew hotter the longer I stared at him. Hotter and hotter until it was boiling inside of me, until it was lava and magma and the temperature of the sun.

The doorbell rang, interrupting our conversation. He opened it because he was closest and smiled down at the little kids dressed up as a robot and a dinosaur while simultaneously holding A

My guard dog.

All twenty pounds of her.

Nick dropped his bags of unopened candy on the bench I had just been sitting on and grabbed handfuls of candy from my bowl.

I stood there dumbstruck. What was happening?      

After they left, he closed the screen door but left the big door open. “I’m not in the band anymore, Kate. They found another lead singer.”

“Oh my gosh, were you pissed?”

He threw a smile over his shoulder as he grabbed more candy for the next round of trick-or-treaters. “I sold them my old amps and gave them my blessing. I, uh, retired.”

“You retired?” I hated that this divorce had turned me into a parrot. Was losing the ability to have original thoughts a side effect of divorce trauma?

He handed out more candy while I stood there blankly. More kids came to the door, dragging their parents with them.

While I stood there watching mutely, Nick talked to our neighbor for a little bit, shooting the shit and discussing the most mundane stuff ever. Neither of them acknowledged me. Chris, our neighbor, didn’t even notice me at all. Or at least he pretended not to.

After we were alone again, I tried to form words. “You quit the band?”

“I prefer retired, but yeah, I guess that’s what happened.”

“But… but… Why?”

He shifted his shoulders and it was the first time I noticed tension in him since he arrived. His back had gone taut with some emotion that I wanted to believe was frustration or anger. But I couldn’t make myself believe it.

I couldn’t read him at all anymore. His eyes were hidden from me in the dim entryway and behind a black mask. I couldn’t see them. All I had to read him by was his body language and his lean body didn’t say much underneath a black and white stripped t-shirt and his familiar low-waist jeans. It wasn’t that complicated of a costume, but for some reason it really got to me.

It bothered me that he’d dressed up and looked so good and on top of that, he’d showed up at my house with extra candy.

He wanted to make our divorce as difficult as possible and my life hell. And yet he was here. Like this.

It wasn’t fair.

He wasn’t playing fair.

The burn inside me became a searing force that actually hurt me.

“You were right, Kate. It was time.”

“I was right?” My words sputtered from my lips with jolting disbelief. “So that’s it? We decide to end things and then you quit the band? Are you serious?”

He turned around to face me. “I said you were right.”

“I heard what you said! But why couldn’t you have said that to me while we were still married?” I felt breathless with anger, blind with it.

“We are still married.”

“Nick!”

He tilted his head arrogantly and clenched his jaw. “Would it have mattered?”