Reclaiming the Sand

“We never talk much about the way things were between us in high school,” I began.

Fly

“I know you don’t,” I whispered. “But we need to,” I insisted.

“Why?” he asked, sounding angry. And I didn’t blame him. Who wanted to talk about a past that hurt so badly? Who wanted to relive a shared history that we had worked so hard to put behind us?

“Because there are some things you need to know,” I said, swallowing thickly.

Fly

“After your birthday, when Stu and Dania were so mean to you, I felt horrible. But I was sick and tired of feeling horrible. You made me feel all this stuff. I felt guilty. I had never cared what other people thought of me. Not until you,” I began, my voice already wavering.

Get through this, Ellie. I told myself.

“If you felt horrible, why did you make fun of me? You were worse than the others. Because you were supposed to be my friend.” His words weren’t an accusation, just honest.

“I know. I think I was worse because I cared more, if that makes any sense,” I tried to explain.

Fly

Was it selfish of me to need to cleanse my guilt at the expense of Fly

“It doesn’t make any sense. If you were my friend, you wouldn’t have called me names. You wouldn’t have laughed when Dania and Stu hit me and teased me. If you liked me, you should have stuck up for me. That’s what people who care do.”

His black and white description hurt. But only because it was the truth. And I hated that he believed I hadn’t cared for him at all. I wish I could make him see how much I truly did care, even if it hadn’t looked like it. I had been a screwed up girl back then. I was still screwed up. I was just better able to analyze myself than I had been when I was younger. And I wasn’t explaining myself very well at all.

“We were friends, Fly

“And you would have been a loser if you were friends with me,” Fly

“No, I was the loser, Fly

I took another deep breath and carried on before I lost my nerve. “And I was mad all the time. I was mad at myself for treating you like that and then I’d get mad at you because you made me care about being mean to you in the first place. I stupidly thought it would be easier if I could turn off my feelings and forget you ever existed. Dania and Stu were getting suspicious of our relationship. They were teasing me all the time. They told everyone I was a freak lover. People were laughing at me. No one would talk to me. And it was only getting worse. And that made me even angrier. At you. Because in my mind, none of it would have happened if you hadn’t moved to Wellsburg. If I hadn’t been drawn to you. In my head, it was all your fault.”

I chanced a look at Fly

I wanted to touch him so bad. I wanted to hold him and make this horrible confession easier for me to stomach.

But I didn’t deserve easier. I deserved for it to be painful and difficult and for it to scrape me raw.

“And I knew the only way to get rid of you, to get rid of these feelings I had for you, was to treat you like everyone else did. I wanted to show Dania and Stu and the rest of them that I didn’t care about you. I wanted to convince myself that you didn’t matter. So I told Stu and Dania to come with me one night out to your house.”

I felt my nausea rise in my throat. I thought I was going to be sick.

“We had been drinking and Stu brought a box of fireworks. I suggested we light a couple and throw them into your yard. I wanted to scare you. Because you hate loud noises.”

Fly

So I kept going.

“We crept up your yard and hid behind one of your outbuildings. Dania, Stu, and I each took a firecracker and lit it and then we threw them toward your house. I realized instantly that we had made a horrible mistake. Stu’s had gone out once it hit the wet grass. Dania’s hit the side of your house and made a pop before it died. But mine…well mine rolled into the open window leading into your basement. I saw it go off and the next thing I knew flames and smoke were everywhere. There was a huge bang. I heard something explode in your house and then I was ru

That night, six years ago, came flooding back, debilitating me. I remembered watching from the trees as I saw Fly

Because I had fucked up. I had ruined my life. And for what? And for who?

It was because of Fly

And when the police found me hiding in the woods and questioned what I was doing there, my stupid mouth started ru

After that, life as I knew it had been over.

All because I had something to prove. Because I wanted to forget how much I had cared about Fly

So I had started hating him. It had been easier than remembering how much I loved him.

Because I had loved him. Even then.

“I was the one who set fire to your house and killed Marty. It was me, Fly

I didn’t.

Because Fly

He continued to lay there, with his hand beneath his cheek, regarding me with steady, unreadable eyes.

I couldn’t look at him any more, so I got up out of bed and went to close the sliding door. I looked out at the beach where we had walked only hours before. I had ruined everything.

I was empty and lonely.

And still he said nothing.

His silence was worse than his anger.

I almost wished he’d flip out and throw things. I wanted him to call me names and yell.

That I could deal with. I knew how to handle those sorts of reactions.

But he was doing absolutely nothing!

And I had no idea what I should do.

My phone started ringing, startling me. I looked over at Fly