Reclaiming the Sand

“Shh! Stop it!” she said and she was frowning. I knew she was getting mad at me again.

I didn’t want to look at her. She was making me sad. I didn’t want to feel sad. Mom said if she made me sad she wasn’t really my friend.

I wanted Ellie to be my friend.

But I was sad all the time now.

“I got you a birthday gift. I’ll give it to you after school tomorrow, okay,” she said, talking quietly again.

I didn’t look at her. Even if she was going to give me a present.

“Maybe I could come to your house too. We could hang out. Watch the A-Team. I’ll even watch that stupid cartoon you like,” she said and I smiled because I liked watching television with Ellie. She would do fu

“It’s Aqua Teen Hunger Force,” I said. Aqua Teen Hunger Force was my favorite but Ellie never wanted to watch it. She said it sucked.

I was excited that she wanted to watch it with me.

“Yeah, Aqua Teen Hunger Force.” Ellie made a noise with her nose that made me smile.

“Am I forgiven?” she asked.

I nodded. I didn’t like to be mad at Ellie. I liked it when she was nice. And when she was nice I was happy.

Ellie put her hand on my arm and I liked that too.

“We’ll spend your special day together. I promise,” she said.

I believed her.

I was so excited about my birthday that I couldn’t sleep. The sheets were bothering me again. Mom had forgotten to smooth them before bed and I hated the way they felt on my arms and legs.

I had yelled and yelled for Mom until she finally came in and changed them. I didn’t throw them out the window. Mom said she was proud of me.

I went to school on my birthday wearing my favorite shirt. It was blue and the sleeves covered the backs of my hands. It felt soft when I rubbed it.

I saw Ellie as soon as I walked into the school. I didn’t talk to her. I knew she didn’t want me to. But she smiled at me and I felt happy.

She promised she’d spend my special day with me and I believed her.

Ellie was nice to me in English class and I made her laugh by telling her a fu

At the end of the day I checked my watch and started walking home. Ellie said she’d meet me by the bridge. I’d see her in twelve minutes. Seven hundred and twenty seconds.

I could see her standing by the bridge. She looked pretty. Her hair wasn’t colored. It was yellow. I liked it yellow.

“Ellie!” I yelled, waving at her. She didn’t wave back. Her face looked fu

“There’s our favorite ‘tard!”

Someone grabbed me and held me down. I kicked out my legs, trying to make them let me go but they just held me tighter.

I screamed as they put something on my head. I heard Dania laugh.

“Look at the cute little freak with his cute little birthday hat,” she said and I started to yell at them to leave me alone.

I tried to hit Stu but he moved out of the way.

I kicked gravel at his shoes. I threw my book bag on the ground. I looked at Ellie but she was laughing too.

She said she’d spend my special day with me! She said we’d watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force! She was supposed to eat Mom’s cake!

I started to cry. My insides hurt so much I felt sick.

I tried to run away from them but Stu and Dania grabbed me before I could.

“The birthday boy can’t go without having his cake,” Dania said.

I looked at Ellie. She was still laughing.

Stu put something in my mouth. It tasted horrible. I tried to spit it out. It was stuck in my teeth.

“A shit sandwich for a shitty little ‘tard boy,” Stu yelled in my ear as I wiped my tongue with my hand, trying to get the taste out of my mouth.

I started to gag and then I threw up.

I threw up all over my shoes and on my pants.

“That’s fucking nasty!” Dania said, backing up.

I kept throwing up. I felt so bad.

I was still crying. Why were they always so mean to me?

It was my birthday!

It was my special day!

“You lied!” I screamed at Ellie who had stopped laughing.

Dania and Stu were gone. I don’t know where they went.

Ellie’s face was wet.

“Fly

“Mom was right! You aren’t my friend. You’re a bitch!”

Ellie’s face looked sad. I didn’t understand. I was sad. Not Ellie. She was mean.

I wiped my mouth and picked up my book bag. I ran away from her.

I hurt so badly I couldn’t breathe.

“I hate you!” I yelled back at her.

“I know,” she heard her say.

-Ellie-

It was hard to describe what Fly

I was surprised to discover that Fly

It was with startling ease that the two of us fell back into old comfortable patterns. But with some very significant differences.

The first being that now there was kissing involved. Lots and lots of kissing.

I was attracted to Fly

Because what Fly

Fly

It threatened to overshadow everything. The closer we became, the more I wanted to tell him. But I was scared. I didn’t want to lose the way he looked at me. I didn’t want to lose this growing relationship that was becoming the deepest experience of my life.

I was selfish. Was there ever a doubt? I was thinking only of myself. What it would mean to me if Fly

I wasn’t being fair. He needed to know. But I just couldn’t tell him. Not now.

We didn’t talk much about high school and the way I had treated him. Part of me wanted to avoid the topic all together. I wish I could go back to pretending I hadn’t been a heinous bitch. For years I had justified my behavior. I had convinced myself that Fly

Fly

I wasn’t a great musician but I had been able to carry a tune. Fly

“Do you still play the guitar?” Fly

Not since I was sixteen. Not since going to juvie.

It was yet another thing I had lost and had made myself forget that I had enjoyed.

So of course the next time I saw Fly

“What’s this?” I asked, slowly reaching out to take it.

“Open it,” Fly