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My breath mingled with his and his eyes squeezed shut. I couldn’t ask him to open his eyes. As much as I wanted him to look at me, to see me, I knew instinctively that it would be too much.
“Is it alright if I kiss you, Fly
“Yes,” he let out in a voice barely loud enough for me to hear.
But I heard him. In the depths of my heart I would always be able to hear him.
I leaned in and touched his lips with mine. I didn’t move. I didn’t kiss him. I let him get used to the feel of my mouth. If he wanted to pull back, now would be the time. Before I let go and kissed him the way I wanted to.
He was breathing noisily through his nose. The air whooshed in and out so fast I was a bit worried he’d hyperventilate.
“Is this okay?” I asked, my lips brushing against his.
He didn’t answer me. He only nodded.
So I closed my eyes and pressed my mouth firmer. And then I was kissing him.
I started slow, as difficult as that was for me. Delicate pecks against his mouth as he worked out what he was supposed to do. Light caresses. Soft touches.
It felt like forever before he finally started to respond and kiss me back. His tender, i
I licked him again, this time pressing between his lips. He clenched his teeth together as though to bar my entry. I pulled back slightly and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Please let me taste you,” I begged. If he pulled away now I didn’t know what I’d do. I’d most likely crumble into a heap of sexual frustration and never get up again.
“I want to taste you too,” he whispered and then his tongue was arching out to meet mine. I sealed my lips over his and I taught him how to kiss me like he wanted to devour.
For someone who was so new to this whole kissing thing, he picked up the basics surprisingly fast. The man was a natural. He sucked on my tongue and I couldn’t control my deep, guttural moan. I instantly froze, worried my primal response would send him scrambling.
I was pleasantly shocked when it had the opposite effect. Fly
But I could only go so far. And I wanted to scream with the irony of that. I had finally found a man I wanted to share all of myself with but he wasn’t ready for me to do that.
Because I wanted to grope. I wanted to stroke. I wanted to rip his clothes off and run my hands over his smooth, hard body. But I couldn’t.
This was the first step and I couldn’t venture any further. Even if the ache between my thighs was threatening to reach an earth shattering crescendo.
So after a few minutes, I forced myself to pull back. I didn’t want to and I could tell Fly
“Let me catch my breath,” I pleaded. Because if I didn’t take a minute, I’d push him for more. I had officially become the dude in our scenario.
“But I want to kiss you a lot. I liked that,” he pouted and I couldn’t help but kiss him one more time. But when he tried to deepen it, I pulled away and rolled onto my back.
We were quiet for a long time. I threw my arm over my eyes and tried to dampen my raging hormones. I was more turned on by Fly
The only sound was our raspy breathing. It was a comfortably intimate moment, lying in the grass, our arms barely touching, lost in the waves of a passion I could barely believe was real.
“Was it okay? Did you like it?” Fly
I lowered my arm and rolled back on my side so that I was facing him again. His eyes were trained on the sky so I reached out and placed my hand on his chest.
“I loved it, Fly
I love you, Fly
“Good, because I want to do that again.” Fly
I couldn’t help but laugh.
Fly
He touched and cuddled the creature so easily. One day I hoped he touched me with such easy affection.
“I’m freezing. I have banana bread inside. Come have some,” Fly
And for once I didn’t feel oppositional when told to do something. My need to defy was tucked away quietly. This time I was happy to comply.
So I followed the man who had stolen my heart and stitched up my soul into the house of our shared childhood. Where I could remember the person I had almost been.
And just maybe I could be her now.
-Fly
Many years ago…
Tomorrow is my sixteenth birthday. Mom said she’d make me my special cake. It was vanilla cake with chocolate icing. I told her I wanted to have Ellie over for cake and ice cream. Mom had frowned and told me no.
I had gotten angry. I threw my glass and it cut Mom’s arm. I felt bad then. I saw the blood and I started to cry. It was gross. It made me feel sick.
Mom told me not to worry about it. She said she’d clean it up and be good as new. She told me I had to stop throwing things when I got mad. That I should talk instead of being violent.
I told her I’d try.
She told me Ellie could come over and that made me happy.
I tried to talk to Ellie when I got to school but she was with Dania and Stu and those other kids she talks to.
“Tomorrow’s my birthday,” I told her. Dania started laughing. It made me mad.
“It’s the ‘tard’s birthday, Stu!” Dania said, her voice sounding like a cow I heard crying when it was dying in our neighbor’s field.
I put my hands over my ears so I could block out her voice. “Shut up!” I yelled. They kept laughing.
Ellie didn’t stop them. She laughed with them. That made my stomach hurt.
“Stop laughing!” I yelled even louder. If I were loud enough, maybe they’d hear me and they’d stop.
“’Tard boy’s having a birthday! Are we invited to the party? Will there be balloons? What about a clown?” Stu laughed and laughed and I was getting madder.
I hit the locker and ran down the hall. I hated all of them. Even Ellie.
Ellie turned around in her seat at the end of English class. I didn’t want to talk to her. She had been mean to me. She was mean to me all the time now. She used to be my friend. Sometimes she still was. When she came to my house she was nice. She’d smile a lot and I liked that.
But I didn’t like her at school.
I didn’t like her with her other friends.
“I’m sorry about earlier, Fly
“Why are you talking like that? I can’t hear you,” I said loudly to show her how I wanted her to talk.