That Wedding

"Oh." Phillip tilts his head and looks at me. "It was for your own good, you know."

"Wa

"Not really."

"The night of formal, he was going to tell me he loved me and ask me to wear his fraternity pin. That's what he came to tell me that day."

"I didn't know that."

"Yeah, I know. I liked him a lot. He came to apologize, and you had no right to interfere."

"Da

"That ass asked me to go to Vegas with him tonight and marry him."

"He what?!!! Did he not see the rock? Did he not know that we're engaged?"

"Yeah, he knew. Saw the ring. Told me I deserved better, at least five or six carats."

Phillip slowly sits back down. He kinda looks like I just punched him in the gut. "It sounds like you actually considered it."

"I'll be honest, there was a part of me that considered it. Before I left tonight, I tried to kiss you, and I did stuff you normally love. You practically pushed me off you. Do you even like me anymore? I don't wa

Phillip runs his hand through his hair and sighs. "Princess, I just needed a few minutes to relax and unwind. I had a busy day. I just wanted to sit, watch golf, and not think for a few minutes."

"Well, I'm just saying, that's not the send off your girlfriend..."

Phillip interrupts me. "Fiancee."

".......should get when she's headed off to a bar full of hot temptations."

Phillip looks irritated at me for saying that, but I usually say what's on my mind. And my mind is a little pissed off at Phillip.

"I'm serious, Phillip. You chose TV golf over a romp on the couch with me. And sent me to the bar all horny on top of it."

He considers that. "Probably not a smart move on my part, huh?"

"I'm thinking not so much."

Phillip grabs my ass and kisses the spot just below my ear that gets me every time. He puts his lips on my ear and whispers, "So does that mean you're still horny?"

I have to give him a little shit. "Actually, I already got that taken care of tonight." I'm probably not very convincing though since I'm ru

"You're a very naughty girl for even thinking about marrying someone else. Young lady, go to your room," he says in a deep, you just got caught by the principal filling the school pool with goldfish, kind of way.

And for a second, I think I might be in trouble, but then he flashes that sexy grin and herds me into the bedroom, and um, well, you can probably figure out the rest.

I finished some last minute Christmas shopping this morning, now I'm sorting through my condo. I can't believe we get to move into our house right after the honeymoon. I'm so excited, and I'm really trying to get organized. I have piles to donate, piles of stuff to return to friends, piles of shower gifts, and trash piles. I swing open the patio door because I'm sweating from all this organization, grab a stack of magazines I need to go through, and sit on the couch.

All of a sudden, I see something move out of the corner of my eye.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like no, you don't understand.

This is like, OH MY GOD!!

I'm seeing THE biggest freaking spider I have ever seen in my life!!!

The spider is standing just inside the patio door, staring at me. Not even moving. And he is big enough to really creep me out!

Think, Jadyn.

Raid!!

I need Raid! Or bug spray of some kind.

I run into the bathroom and realize I have no Raid, but I do find some mosquito repellent. I run back out to the living room, stand on the coffee table, and fire it down on him. The spider moves toward me, but he doesn't die. It doesn't really even seem to phase him.

Damn!!!

Now he knows I'm after him!

I jump from the coffee table to the couch, and then I run back into the bathroom and look for something else.

I come back out slowly, looking for him.

The spider hasn't really moved much, but his little hairy legs are twitching like he's trying to figure out his next move.

I'm armed with more things to try and kill him. First, I spray him with a great hair product that adds shine to my hair. The spider doesn't die, but now the living room smells like grapes. I throw the shining spray onto the couch and spray him with some Big Sexy hairspray.

The spider literally looks into my eyes and sends me spider telepathy. He says, I'm going to have shiny, gorgeous hair when I kill you.

Shit!

What else do I have?

I spy my te

Oh. No way.

Gross.

I jump off the coffee table, leap toward the hall closet, and grab one of Phillip's big ru

I toss it at the spider.

The spider, I swear to God, dodged the shoe, laughed, and threw it back at me.

I decide it's time to call in reinforcements.

I grab my cell and call Phillip.

"Phillip, there's a huge spider in the house. You've GOT to come and KILL IT NOW!"

"Princess," he says in a patronizing tone, "surely you can kill a little spider."

"Didn't you hear me??? I said it's a HUGE ASS spider!"

"Well, kill it with some bug spray or a shoe. I'm kinda busy here."

"I tried that, Phillip. I tried mosquito spray because I didn't have any Raid. When that didn't work, I tried hair shiner and hairspray. And the spider just told me, Thanks, it hates mosquitos, and that its hair looks shiny and gorgey, and I swear to God, it threw your shoe back at me!!!! That's how big this spider is. You HAVE to come NOW!"

"Calm down. Suck it up in the vacuum cleaner then."

"And give him a new home in my vacuum? No way! He's not a genie, Phillip. He won't come back out and offer me three wishes. He'll come back out and be pissed at being all dirty and will AMBUSH us in our sleep!!!!"

"AHHHHHH!!!!" I scream and jump back onto the coffee table.

"What now?"

"He's chasing me, Phillip!! Don't you understand!????! I'm under attack here!! Stop talking to me, hang up, run to your car, and get your ASS over here! NOW!!!!!"

"Oh, who's bossy now?"

"Phillip, when I said I'm under attack, I wasn't joking. I'm pretty sure I saw him call out a battle cry to all his spider friends. And he's strategically blocking my way to the patio door because that's where his troops are go

"You're being silly. Just kill the damn spider."

"Fine. I'm done marrying you. I'm go

"All right, jeeze. I'm coming."

I hang up and see my neighbor, Wayne, out in his yard.

"WAAAAAYNNNNNEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" I scream my loudest, most horrifying scream toward my patio door.

Wayne turns to look in my direction, but I don't think he can see me because the sun's in his eyes, so I yell, "HEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!! SOS! SOS!!!! CODE RED!!!!! Foxtrot, Unicorn, Charlie, KILO!!!!!!"

Wayne is a retired military man, so I screamed all the military terms I could think of.