That Wedding

"You're such a freak," Da

Lori says, "A lucky freak is more like it. Hey, I have to run. Love you!"

Da

"Maybe I didn't think it was any of your business?"

"Or you didn't want Phillip to find out?"

"Both. Duh! So shut up!"

"Bye, love you," he says.

We're driving to the Mac's, and Phillip is giving me a lot of shit about our STD meeting with his parents.

"We're trespassing on dangerous territory," he tells me.

I'm not finding the whole thing all that fu

He grabs my hand and kisses it. Like that will help.

"Phillip, if I would've texted you and told you I was worried about an STD, you totally would've thought the same thing."

"Well from you, sure, but my MOTHER??!!!" He starts laughing hysterically. He's been doing that a lot lately. He thinks this is quite fu

"I'm sorry. I know it caused you some stress, but it's really quite fu

"Maybe, but I was freaking out. You just don't need to go telling people about it, okay?"

All of a sudden, Phillip looked very interested in the road.

My phone buzzes. I have a text from Logan, one of our groomsmen.

Loggie:  What's the difference between love and herpes?

Herpes last forever.

"Phillip, here's a happy sentiment from Logan about our upcoming nuptials."

"That's cool. What'd he say?"

I read Phillip the text. "DID YOU TELL EVERYONE?"

"Uh, hey, we're here," he says as he pulls in the driveway.

Needless to say, I get all sorts of subtle, and not so subtle, shit about the STD because, by now, Phillip has told the whole fucking world about it.

At least with the XXX wedding, I only get fu

I walk in the door, and Mr. Mac greets me with a slap on the back. "Hey, JJ, do you know how Burger King gave Dairy Queen an STD?" He laughs then says the punchline. "He forgot to wrap his whopper....hahaha get it?"

Laugh, laugh, laugh.

Everybody laugh.

Phillip, who I think is going to stick up for me, says seriously, "Dad, you really shouldn't joke about STDs."

See, isn't he sweet?

But then he adds naughtily, "You can't dick around with stuff like that."

And now, they're both practically rolling on the floor laughing. Holding their sides, trying to breathe, laughing.

I'm going to kill myself now.

We all sit down at the kitchen table. Wedding guest lists in hand.

My phone buzzes.

And buzzes.

Our friends are all soooo witty and clever.

And right now, I'm flipping them all off in my mind. Mrs. Mac, the very person that started this whole debacle, and the very person who should be most embarrassed by this, keeps grabbing my phone and reading the texts out loud. Then they all hoot with laughter.

Katiebear:  How does herpes leave the hospital?

On crotches.......bahahaha!!!

Joeylovesyou:  I wanted to get on your wedding website, but I heard it was INFECTED!!!!!

Hahaha!

Nickaloser:  What's the most fatal sexually transmitted disease for a bird?

Cherpes, because there is no TWEETMENT!!!

Jay, I just have to say that your blondness is adorable.

Blakeness:  Hey, congrats. We heard they're naming an STD in your honor.

I say boldly, "If you're through with all your fun, maybe we can actually work on the guest list?"

So Phillip, Mr. Organized, somehow merges all of our lists into one spreadsheet. We have four hundred and fifty people on our merged list. Phillip says, "Obviously, we need to make some cuts."

I say seriously, "We really need to think carefully about this list. I mean we don't wa

And then I smile.

Mr. Mac says, "Awww, JJ, you made a little STD joke." And then he says, "Let me see this list." He scans through it. "Julie, if we haven't gotten a Christmas card from them in the last five years, you need to take them off the list." He rambles off about twenty-five names of people I've never heard of.

Mrs. Mac is starting to pout.

Phillip says, "Think of it this way, Mom, don't invite anyone you wouldn't want to spend the weekend with. You'll be shopping on the Plaza, eating di

I look at Phillip's list. A long ass list of frat and football boys whose idea of a perfect night would include beer pong, beer bongs, keg stands, weed, and probably a few strippers. On a mellow night. Let's just say these boys like to party. "You might wa

"Hmm, you might be right about that," he says.

After we went through that, BOOM, the list is done. I guess we can say the STD crisis is over.

Phillip must have told everyone to stop with the STD jokes because I have yet to get one today. But Da

Da