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I'm so drunk...
Me: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
Have another beer.
Marcus: Does that work?
Me: It works on Da
Phillip grabs my phone from me and puts it in his desk drawer. "You are so easily distracted."
"Oh yeah, the wedding. Well, what do you want? What's important to you?"
He pulls me onto his lap. "Obviously, the most important part is that when it's over, you'll be my wife."
He kisses me for a bit.
Who's distracted now?
I go, "Ummm."
He stops kissing me and says, "Wedding, right. I told her I want good food. Good music. Good cake. A fun after party. A hot bride."
He starts kissing me again.
Seriously, this is why we get never get anything accomplished.
His secretary buzzes him over the intercom at some point and says, "Your appointment is here."
He stops kissing me. "Dang, I have to go."
I get my phone out of his drawer and see another text.
Da
As we're walking through the church doors, Phillip grabs my hand and says, "Be nice."
I roll my eyes at him. "If he can't tell us anything that will make us be a better couple, why should I take it seriously?"
He stops and pulls me toward him. "Because it's our marriage, our life. I would hope you'd wa
"Fine, I'll try to be good."
We sit in the stupid blue checkered chairs and watch Pastor John rub on his beard for a while.
I'm thinking ahead to another fun Taco Tuesday, when he says, "Another big issue in marriage is how much time you spend together."
Well, shit. I've got this one. We don't even need to discuss this.
We've got this aced.
"Phillip and I spend tons of time together. We're together all the time, so we're good."
Phillip gives me a little glare.
Pastor sighs. "It's great you spend time together, but are you spending enough time apart? Everyone needs a little space."
I swear to God, yes, God, you up there! Are you listening to this shit?
I can't say ANYTHING right!
I say we spend lots of time together, he says it's wrong. If I would've said we hate each other and never want to be together, he would've been proud.
This is so stupid.
Plus, I can hear the margaritas calling my name.
Well, not really, but I just got a text from Neil that said, The margaritas are calling your name. So like I know they are.
Phillip says, "We do spend time apart. And I can see how that will become even more important since we've started working together."
I turn and look at him. Is that really my Phillip? Did he just say he needs time away from me?
"You want time away from me?" I ask, trying not to sound as crushed as I feel.
"No, I just.....like how you take baths or go shopping. Like we don't do everything together even now."
Pastor John says, "Exactly. For a marriage to be strong, you have to maintain your own self-worth and confidence. You should feel comfortable letting Phillip have hobbies of his own. Occasionally, he should be able to see his friends without you. Just like it's important for you to do the same."
Speaking of friends, ours are at the bar waiting for us. We should probably get going.
Pastor continues. "If you're together all the time, it can become suffocating."
I say with just a tad of sarcasm in my voice, "So first, our marriage is going to fester and get infected, and then we're going to suffocate each other. Gee, marriage sounds like great fun."
He ignores me, has us do some lame flashcard game where we're given examples of a conflict, and we have to work it out with our words. Phillip and I do awesome on this exercise.
Probably because the things we were supposed to be fighting about were unrealistic. Like I can't imagine us ever fighting over things like rules for our kids, or sex, or friendships, but I talked them out with Phillip like the perfect little bride.
As we're walking to the car, Phillip smiles sweetly at me. "You did a good job role playing. It's good to know we can work out conflict. You definitely deserve margaritas tonight."
I don't have the heart to tell him that I was totally faking everything.
Lori's on the phone whining to me. "Jade, we need to plan your bachelorette party, and I'm thinking maybe you should ask Lisa or Chelsea to do it because I'm pregnant. It kinda sucks that I can't drink, and I'm afraid it won't be fun."
I'm prepared for this conversation because Da
"You know, Lori, I'm kind of over the whole let's get drunk, eat penis cake, dance, and party thing. I mean, I'm getting married. I'm supposed to be a grown up. What I really want my bachelorette party to be about is spending time with my girlfriends. Like would you be upset if we didn't have a bar crawl kind of party?"
"Uh, um...," she mumbles.
She's shocked at me, I think.
"Well, what would you wa
"I don't know. What about a girl's day? Like maybe we go to the spa, come back to my place, order up food, and have, I don't know, a pajama party sort of. Drink some martinis, talk, and enjoy being with the girls?"
"Really???? Da
"Yeah, I know. I hope it doesn't mean I'm getting old and boring already, but if I'm go
"I don't think it means you're old and boring, Jade. I think it means you're in love."
"That's probably true."
"This will be so much fun. We'll do it the same weekend the boys go to Vegas."
"The boys are going to Vegas?"
"Oh, I guess I better have Da
Pretty soon, Da
"So I'm pla
"What did my dad say before I went to visit you in Lincoln?"
He laughs and uses a deeper voice, "She better not get drunk, stoned, pregnant, or dead. I will never forget that phone call."
"I'd say something along those lines. I'd like him not to get so drunk he does something he'll regret. I'd like him to be alive when it's over, and preferably nothing involving jail time."
"Cool. I can handle that."
"So what are you going to do? What's the plan?"
"Well, my plan is to get a few of the bros together for a weekend in Vegas. My bye week is the first week in December, so it should work out great. We could have one continuous buck ass wild party."
"Sounds awesome," I say, but truthfully, I don't want Phillip anywhere near a buck ass wild party. I want him home with me.