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Lori <3 Jade! You shouldn't lie to your doctor!
Me: I don't want to get yelled at! I KNOW you're supposed to.
Lori <3 Well, I think they check for that sort of thing. So you're probably clean....or were then anyway.
Me: Yeah....
Which means she's implying that I was then, but I might not be now.
And I can't help it.
I'm not a hypochondriac or anything, but all of a sudden, I'm feeling slightly itchy down there.
Like maybe I have one and didn't know it, but now the symptoms are manifesting. I'm also feeling a little feverish. I put my hand across the back of my neck. It feels warm.
Maybe I should get online to see what symptoms come from STDs.
Lori <3 So who all have you been with in the last few months?
Me: Uh, Phillip.
Lori <3 and.....
Me: Um, the guitar player.
Lori <3 AND....!!!!
Me: I don't know what you're talking about!
I tell her this, even though, well, I'm not very proud of this, but there was this sorta drunkish night before Phillip and I got together. I saw this really cute guy, Jason, who I dated junior year in college, at the bar. We started talking and dancing, and, well, drinking, and one thing led to another. And we did it before when we were dating, so it's not like he was just some random stranger. I mean, we already had. So when we did it again, it didn't really count. Like he didn't add to my total or anything. It was kinda like a free throw. It counts for points, but if you miss, it doesn't count against you. When you do it with a guy you've already done it with in the past, it doesn't count against you. It's a freebie.
Lori <3 Look, I'm not trying to throw you under the STD bus or anything, but I know that there was a night you maybe got drunkish and probably weren't as safe as you should've been.
Me: Uh...
Lori <3 As in the night I KNOW you did it with Richie Rich even though you lied and said you didn't!
Richie Rich's real name is Jason O'Co
Me: Shit, maybe I do have one.
Lori <3 Do you have symptoms? Have you noticed anything rashy on Phillip?
Me: Not on Phillip, no. And I would've definitely noticed.
Lori <3 What about you, do you have symptoms?
Me: I didn't, but I'm starting to feel feverish and kinda itchy everywhere.
Lori <3 So you think you might've gotten one from Phillip? Or someone else?
Me: Well if I got one, common sense tells me it would be from someone besides Phillip. Because if it was from Jason, I probably wouldn't have noticed it at like the time.
Lori <3 I really worry about you sometimes, but I'd have to agree.
Me: But what if Phillip has some secret life that I don't know about? What if he's addicted to hookers? What if he has another girlfriend somewhere that I don't know about?! You see that on TV all the time! And their families never have a clue. Am I clueless!????
Lori <3 OMG Jade. Chill.
Me: I'm trying to!! So I could have one, but it has to be Phillip who has one because there's no way Phillip's mom could possibly know I have an STD when I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MYSELF!!
Lori <3 Phillip's mom?! Wait. What? WTF are you talking about?
Me: She just texted me and told me I needed to do something about our STDs. That's why I'm FREAKING OUT HERE!!!
Lori <3 OMG!!! That seems like an awfully sensitive issue to text someone about! OMG! Maybe Phillip does have something, and he confided in his mom. Maybe she knows it was from you. Maybe it's like been dormant. They can do that, can't they?
Me: I don't know!!!
Lori <3 I think you better talk to Phillip quick!!
Me: I'm scared.
I was go
Just as I'm about to send Phillip a scathing message, I get another text from his mom. She's very impatient.
Mrs. Mac: Hello???
I don't know what to say.
So I do what anyone would do.
I stall.
Okay, I lie.
Me: In a meeting. Will get back to you asap :)
Now I'm pissed! I mean, my gosh, she just sprang this on me and in five minutes I'm supposed to know what to do?? I haven't even talked to Phillip yet. But I'm go
Me: It would've been nice to hear about your STD from YOU instead of YOUR MOTHER!!!
Phillipbaby<3 WTF are you talking about??
Me: She just texted me and told me we need to do something about them.
Phillipbaby<3 You're joking, right?
Me: I wish I was :(
Phillipbaby<3 I'm in the middle of a conference call. I'm sorry, but I have to say it again. WTF ????!
Me: So does that mean you're mad at her for telling me because you wanted to tell me yourself? I think you owe me that because now I probably have one too.
Phillipbaby<3 I DO NOT have an STD!
Me: I mean, I'm a little freaked out by how you got one, and who you got it from, but we can just take medicine or something, right?
Phillipbaby<3 JADYN!! Listen to what I'm saying! I DO NOT HAVE A STD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Well, your mother thinks you do.
Phillipbaby<3 I have to go. I'm on a conference call. Will talk to you about this in a few.
I don't respond because I can tell he's irritated by all this. It's not my fault his mom told me. Why is he getting all bent out of shape? Maybe it's because he wanted to tell me in person, but wait. No. He said, I don't have one. I mean if his mom let the proverbial cat out of the bag, wouldn't he 'fess up if he did?
I'm starting to feel a little less itchy already.
So even though it's still in the back of my mind, I try to get back to work. I just got an email from the realtor in Kansas City, so I'm scrolling through photos of buildings that are possibilities for temporary offices. I see a few that look promising and am composing a nice email to her to let her know which ones I want to see.
Vibrate.
Phillipbaby<3 To my textually challenged and wedding-on-the-brain mom, STD = SAVE THE DATE!
Me: O M G!!!!! Thank you, GOD!!!
I call Lori. She puts Da
"So," I say, "STD does not mean Sexually Transmitted Disease."
"It doesn't?" they both say.
"Nope. Not to Phillip's mom. It's wedding speak for Save The Date."
"OMG!! That's hilarious!" Lori says with a giggle.
"I know, right? I accused Phillip of having an STD while he was in the middle of a conference call. I was freaking out and feeling itchy and feverish and everything!"