Four Summers

“Do you think I’ve changed?” I ask Nate one day as we’re going on a hike. It’s not often that guests ask us to take them, but we have a family of five who wanted to go Indian Rock. Dad named it that himself and took pictures of it before I was even born, hanging them up all over the store. It’s become somewhat of an attraction now, the locals and visitors all wanting to see the tall rock up on that mountain that looks like a Native American, headdress and all.

Dad usually took any tours we had up to Indian Rock, but, well, that’s one of the things that has changed. He wanted Alec to go with me, but he had something else to do, so Nate was his only choice.

Both of us were a little shocked.

“Changed like how?” he asks. The family is about ten feet behind us, but not paying much attention to what we’re doing. It’s then I realized we talked about how we were different on our hike last year as well.

“I don’t know. Changed. Like in any way. Every year you come back you’re different in one way or another. Last year you were sadder. This year you’re more like you were the first summer, just…”

“Hotter? Sexier? Impossible to resist?” He grins.

“Conceited?”

He feigns shock, but then reaches for my hand. Two of our fingers link like a chain as we keep walking.

“I was going to just say more grown-up, but I’m rethinking that.”

“Oh, so I’m more manly? Basically the same thing as sexier.” He laughs before pulling me to him, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “I mean, yeah you’ve changed in some ways. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t, but there are some things about you that are always the same.”

“Like what?” I ask him.

“Your honesty. The way you say whatever’s on your mind.”

“Only to you.”

“That’s all that matters.” I pinch his side and he pushes my hand away. “I’m kidding. No pinching, woman. You’re adventurous in a different way than any girl I’ve ever met. You’re comfortable playing football or looking through a telescope and telling me about the stars.” He leans closer to me. “You trust me in a way no one in my life has ever done… Even when I didn’t trust myself to make decisions because of Chrissy. You trusted me. Those things are the same about you, but…I guess it’s like you said about me, you’re more grown-up. Sometimes, I don’t really know how to say what I’m trying to, but it’s like you’re this old soul trapped in a seventeen year old’s body. I think you see the world different than anyone I know, Charlotte Rae Gates.”

I look over at him. “I don’t want to see it differently.”

“Why?” he asks. “It’s one of my favorite things about you. You wa

I think that might be the best compliment I’ve ever received. “No one makes me feel like you do,” I tell him.

He looks down at me as we keep walking up the mountain. “You do the same thing to me, Star Girl.”

“I…” Before I can continue, my foot comes down the wrong way on a rock. I fall forward, but Nate catches me. I wonder if one day, I’ll ever be able to catch myself.

“My brother wants to go camping, Charlotte. He told me to ask you if you can hook it up. I think he’s feeling lonely because he’s stuck in his room every night alone.”

Brandon flips Nate off. “Screw you. That has nothing to do with it. I just thought it would be fun, you asshole.”

Nate laughs, but then he turns to me, looking panicky. “I didn’t mean…not because we’re out or every night or…shit.” Something else seems to hit him. He leans down so his mouth is by my ear and whispers. “I’m an asshole. I shouldn’t have said it that way because of your sister.”

Because of Sadie leaving. I get it, reaching over, my hand grabs his shirt by his stomach. “No worries. I know what you meant.”

I turn my head, “Brandon, I’m not inviting girls on a camping trip because you’re lonely.”

“That’s not what I meant.” He crosses his arms, looking every bit of the jock-ish, football player he is. “I just thought it would be fun to get out, but I know my brother doesn’t go anywhere without you, so…”

“Would you?” Nate asks, while I say, “You guys can go camping. I don’t have to tag along.”

Now Nate’s attention is on me. “Who said I want to go without you? I’m with him all the time.”

“See!” Brandon adds.

“I used to love camping. Me, Dad, Alec and his dad went a lot when we were younger.”

Nate stiffens at that. “Of course.”

“I don’t like him like that. I never will.” It doesn’t matter to me that Brandon is sitting right there when I say it. All that matters is Nate hearing it and believing it.

“Yeah, she doesn’t like him like that. My baby brother is jealous of Alec.”

“Screw you,” Nate tells him before turning to me. “Camping could be fun.”

Camping could be a blast. But… “The only way I’m going to be able to go is if I go with Alec. And Alec’s probably going to have to talk him into it.” Suddenly all sorts of plans are forming in my mind. Spending the night, the whole night and part of the day up in the mountains with the stars and Nate. I can’t imagine anything more perfect, but…who would help Dad here?

“Your Dad would really let you go camping with Alec? Does he know guys?” Nate asks.

“He trusts him. He’s known Alec his whole life.”

“And he can get your dad to let you go with all of us? We’ll get caught otherwise. There’s no way someone’s not going to realize that Brandon and I are gone, too.” Nate still looks a little tense, but like he’s trying to hide it.

“Dad trusts him,” I say again. “And there’s no promises…I can probably make it look like Danielle and some of the others are going too…” I’m suddenly really glad that I never let Dad see that there was anything more going on with Nate and me.

“We doing this?” Brandon jumps in.

Nate shrugs and I say, “Let's do it.”

“You’re sure you’re not going to be the only girl there, Charlie Rae?” Dad asks for the millionth time. My camping supplies are all sitting by the door, waiting for us to head out.

“Yeah, Dad. We’re meeting up with Danielle and some other friends.” Liar, liar pants on fire. “We just want to do some fishing and sleeping out. Brandon leaves for college soon and he wants to do some different stuff before he goes.”

“You can fish here.”

Yes, yes we can. “But it’s not the same to camp here. I live here! How many times did we used to go? It’s fun to get out like that.”

Dad sighs before sitting on the back of the couch. “I know, kiddo. I get it. And you deserve to have some fun. With…” he closes his eyes and I wonder if he’s trying not to cry. “With your mom and sister leaving, I know that puts a lot more pressure on you.”

He doesn’t mention his MS and I wonder if it’s on purpose. He doesn’t talk to Mom when they call, only Sadie. I don’t really talk to my sister, only Mom. None of us ever discus his MS. I think we all want to pretend it’s not true.

“You know how much I need you, Charlie, but I want you to have fun too. That’s why I’m letting you go. You work so hard, kiddo.”

You know how much I need you.

I know more than I wish I did. “I know, Dad. I want to be here for you.”

He nods and then I hear Alec’s voice outside.

“I better go. You’ll have help here, right?”

Alec’s parents are helping while we’re gone. I know that, but have to ask anyway.