Four Summers

It sucks that so much of my time is now spent working, but then I think about Alec and how much freedom he’s sacrificing and I feel guilty. All that guilt is wiped away when I remember he, at least, gets paid to do it.

My cell vibrates against my hip and without looking, I know its Nathaniel. I gave him my number and we spend a lot of our time texting. His parents seem to have realized Brandon’s out of the house next year, on a football scholarship, and have been out spending family time with them every day that they’ve been here so far.

Pulling my cell out, I take a quick peek at it.

FYI, I’m coming to talk to your dad.

He’s coming to talk to my dad? I type out a quick question mark, but my reply is their car pulling up to their cabin. All four Chases climb out and Nathaniel looks toward me, the sun shining from behind him, and smiles.

“Hey, Mr. Gates. Hey, Charlotte.” Nathaniel holds out his hand and my dad grudgingly shakes it.

“How’s your summer going so far, Nathaniel?” Dad’s question surprises me. I’ve never really understood why he is so standoffish with Nathaniel, but we all know he is.

“It’s going well. I go by Nate now, though.”

The shovel falls out of my hand at that. I know last year his family started calling him Nate, but he didn’t like it. My mind flashes back to our Skype sessions, when Brandon or one of his friends would walk in. They all called him Nate.

Bending over, I pick up the shovel, suddenly a little a

Nathaniel’s eyes dart toward mine, but then settle on my dad again. “I wanted to talk to you about helping Charlotte out around here sometimes. When I’m not out with my family, I’m always looking for something to do. I—”

“That’s okay. I appreciate the offer, but it wouldn’t be right.” Dad’s voice sounds different. Not the a

“With all due respect sir, I don’t see how it’s any different than Alec working. I’ve been around enough. I love it out here. A little extra money never hurts.”

Dad sighs, making me turn to study him. See the beads of sweat on his forehead and the tiredness in his features. Suddenly, I want to cry. I didn’t cry when he was diagnosed or when Mom and Sadie left, but my eyes beg for release right now.

“I can’t pay very much.”

Those words mean so much more than anything else he’s said or done because last summer, he never would have said them. He never would have considered letting Nathaniel help out. He would have been too proud. What does it mean that he’s not too proud anymore?

“I don’t need much. It really just gives me something to do and a little spending money.”

That we both know he doesn’t need.

“Your parents okay with it?”

“Yes, sir.”

Dad nods, and the expression on his face almost looks like it says, thank you. I wipe my eyes, realizing a tear broke free. I need it gone, not wanting him to know that I see what’s going on. That already he worries about how much he can handle. Are things progressing faster than we thought? Is he having a harder time then he admits?

Is he going to need me even more?

“We’ll fill out some papers later, okay? If you want to help Charlie out now, I’d really appreciate it.”

Just like that, Dad is gone and Nathaniel starts working with us.

“Do you want me to call you Nate?” I ask Nathaniel as we sit by the old fort. I’m not sure why we came out here tonight. It’s much easier to stick to the lake, but I didn’t bring my scope, and I always feel like we’re more alone out here.

We’re lying on the blanket. I’m on my back, Nathaniel on his side, leaning on his elbow, his other hand on my stomach. I love how we just fell into this easy closeness. Both last year and the year before we had this awkward time where neither of us could get it together. It’s part of being older I guess.

“Why do you ask that? Because of what I told your dad today?”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to call me whatever you want to. Whatever comes naturally. It really doesn’t matter either way.” Leaning forward, he kisses my forehead. “Nate and Nathaniel are the same person.”

“I wish Charlotte and Charlie were,” I blurt out and then immediately want the words back.

“They are. Charlie wants the same things Charlotte does.”

“I know. And I do. I don’t think I did two years ago.”

“It’s wild that I’ve been coming here for three years. You had that deer in the headlights look the first time I saw you. Then you looked a little sick and I was scared you were going to puke on me.”

“Shut up!” I push him, but he laughs and grabs me. Rolls with me until I’m on top of him.

“I still thought you were hot.”

Hmm, I think I could get used to hearing that. “You did not.”

“I thought you were cute and I was intrigued by you. One look at you, Charlotte, and I knew there was something different about you. You weren’t like any other girls I knew. You were like this mixture of badass and…”

“Lost,” I fill in for him.

“Nope. You know your way. You just need to take it.”

At the thought of what he’s suggesting, I groan and roll off him, missing the feel of his body. “He’s worse, Nathaniel. Something’s going on he’s not telling me about, or he's scared or something. He wouldn’t have let you help if that wasn’t the case.”

Nathaniel moves and sits up next to me. “I hate that, Star Girl. It fucking sucks, but…it’s not your fault. You shouldn’t sacrifice your whole life because of it.”

Now I push to my feet, walking over to stand next to the creek. Words rattle around in my head, but I can’t make sense of them so I don’t say anything. Instead I look up to the sky.

“What is it about stars that you love so much?” he asks.

That answer comes quickly. “Because they’re infinite. They’re miracles, and anything is possible when you look out into the massive space that goes on and on.” Because I want that. I want to explore and see what’s out there and feel as free as those stars in the sky.

“You can have that. You deserve it. Alec loves it here. He’s a bastard, but he’s like family to you. He can stay.”

“Don’t,” I shake my head.

“Char—”

“I can’t do this with you. Not right now, okay? I just…I just want to be with you right now.”

His arms wrap around me and pull me close. “I don’t mean to push. And I definitely want to be with you, too.”

When he kisses me, I forget everything else. It’s like my stars times a million. He makes me forget how things are. Forget what I’ve lost, and how I’m scared that, without him, I’ll always feel as alone as I do when he’s not here.

Nate works with us at least a couple days a week. It’s not all day, but it’s enough that we get to see each other a lot more which, according to him, was the whole reason he brought it up to Dad.

It’s hard being with him in the daytime and not having the same kind of relationship that we have during our nights. No kisses, no touches. We talk about things that don’t matter, and even though he doesn’t flirt back, I’ve to see girls hit on him. And I have to remember that I’m the one who wanted it this way. That when he started working with us, I didn’t want to deal with Dad or Alec or anyone else so I pushed to keep anything that’s more than friendly to our nights.

Easier said than done.

The other day I sprayed a girl from my school with a hose and then had to pretend it was an accident. I’ve never been so mortified in my life, and all Nate did was pull me behind a building and whisper in my ear. “I want everyone to know you’re mine, too. Just so you know.”