Four Summers

Nathaniel is standing outside my window when I crawl out. I almost scream, but he puts a finger to his lips as if to say “shh.” He takes my hand and we walk around the side of the house to the stretch of beach by the lake before taking the path we’ve walked together so many times. He has a duffle bag in his hand, and I can’t help but wonder what’s in it.

Does he expect a repeat of our last night together?

Do I want one? Risking a quick glance at his tall frame and the rougher jaw than he used to have, I admit that I do. I want just about anything I can have with Nathaniel Chase.

We’re quiet when we get to our spot. I open my backpack and lay the blanket out, still wondering what he has in his. Nathaniel opens his backpack and pulls out another bag, this one long and slim.

“I got you something, Star Girl.”

I love the nickname. Love it so much. He’s started saying it more since last year. Almost every email or instant message.

“You shouldn’t have,” I say, because I can tell by the shape of the bag, what it is. “It’s too much. I could never…” I shake my head. I could never get him something like that.

“You deserve it,” is all he says before handing the bag over.

My fingers shake as I open it and see the beautiful white telescope inside. “Nathaniel…”

“I wanted to. It’s a good one. I did research on them before I bought it and this one is—”

“Expensive.”

“Perfect,” he adds. “For you. You’ll love it. I want you to have it.”

I need to feel my arms around him again. I set the bag down and lock my hands behind his neck. He pulls me close, holds me tight and lifts me off the ground.

“I do love it,” I say into his hair. He squeezes me tighter and I wish he would never let me go. “Thank you.”

I feel his lips on the side of my head before he pulls away and looks at me. “It’s different with you. You know that, right? You said I flirt more now, but I’m never playing games when I’m with you.”

He touches my hair. Pushes it behind my ears and I love the fact that he can hold me up with only one arm. “I know.” It sucks so bad to know that. To know he does care about me, and that he does see me as a best friend, but can still be with other girls and have a life separate from me, the way I have to with him. He talks to me about everything and wants to know every piece of my world. That doesn’t come around often. My parents were together since they were in high school and they didn’t have that. It should be freeing and make me float, but it doesn’t change anything. That’s what makes it harder and that’s what sucks.

It’s not that I think Nathaniel loves me. I know no matter what he’ll be happy and he’ll live his life and do whatever it is he wants to do, but…I think he could love me. Actually, I know he could. I think we could be happy together. Even if we stayed just friends, there will always be this bond between us that no one can ever replace, but it doesn’t count when I know I’ll be so far away. That I’ll never have as much of him as I have during our summers ever again. Why would he come back when he isn’t with his family?

“Good,” he whispers. “I really want to kiss you right now, Star Girl, but I don’t know if I should…I don’t want you to think I’m using you. I dated those other girls, but the second I see you, it’s like there’s no one else in the world, like there never has been anyone else.”

I don’t think I will ever in my life hear words that fill me up so much. Pump me full of happiness the way what he just said does. It doesn’t make sense that I, Charlie Rae, could mean so much to someone like Nathaniel, but I trust him and know he always means what he says.

So I don’t answer him. I don’t wait for him to kiss me. I kiss him instead.

We move together quickly. This frenzied, messy kiss is filled with passion, bridging last summer and this summer and trying to wipe all the distance and time from between us. Our lips fight to make it disappear. Our tongues tasting and exploring to remember, so it feels like yesterday when our lips last met instead of nine months ago.

He pulls me tighter against him as his mouth leaves mine. It trails down my neck, his rough voice saying, “Put your legs around me.”

So I do and it feels bad and good at the same time. No, not bad, naughty, but then I remember he’s seen me without my shirt on and this is nothing compared to that. This is Nathaniel so it doesn’t matter. I’d trust anything with him.

He walks, backing me up and I wonder where he’s going or why we’re not laying down, or standing still when he presses my body between a tree and him.

“I don’t want to drop you.” His breath on my neck. “Not that you’re heavy.”

And then we're laughing before he says, “I should have known you wouldn’t take it that way. Not you.” And then he’s kissing my throat and behind my ear and it’s crazy how one set of lips can feel so different than another. Lance’s touches didn’t affect me like this. If I was blind and deaf I would still know the difference between Nathaniel’s mouth and anyone else’s.

“Why didn’t you just lie down on the blanket?” I drop my head back and then he’s laughing against my skin again.

“Because I’m stupid and anxious and didn’t think about it.”

He kisses me again and it’s a little slower this time. Still all passion and wonderful, but like we have a little more time. I play with the hair at the nape of his neck, and savor how he tastes and wish that I’d never kissed another guy since him and that he’d never touched any other girls.

All too soon, the kisses stop, but he doesn’t pull away. “Does it make me an asshole if I say I hate Lance, even though I’ve never met him? Because I do.”

“No, because I can’t stand Monica or Hailey.”

I wonder how many people have this kind of honesty. If it’s normal to be able to just say what’s on your mind to the person you care about. Even though I’m not sure if he loves me, I know I could tell Nathaniel that I love him. Even if he didn’t feel the same, it wouldn’t change things and I think that’s kind of a miracle. Still, those are words I won’t let myself say. Not when I know I won’t leave The Village.

“Do you wa

I can’t stop the grin that pulls at my lips. I really, really don’t want to let go of him, but I want to look into infinity with him too.

“I take that as a yes.”

I unravel my legs from around him. Before he steps away, I touch the star at his throat. “Do they know anything about me?” It’s a stupid question to ask, but one I’m curious about. “I know they wouldn’t know details…but just that there is a girl name Charlotte out there, who knows you too?”

I wonder if that question makes me sound weak, but I don’t think being honest makes people weak. It’s lies that do that.

He touches my hair again and I like that it’s starting to be his thing with me. “Everyone knows about Charlotte from the lake. I wouldn’t hide you.”

“I’m glad you’re here,” I tell him. He answers with a swift kiss to my lips before leading me to the blanket, where we explore the sky together.

Dad has to take more breaks than he used to. He struggles with some of the same work, but we don’t talk about it. All of us pretend it’s not the case.

For the next week I spend my days with Dad and Alec and my nights with Nathaniel. We don’t stay out late because we both need sleep and morning comes too quickly, but we have our time and there’s always kissing and there’s always talking which are two of my favorite things to do with him. He asks questions and makes jokes and he feels more like the Nathaniel from our first summer than our second. Not that I don't love them both.