Dizzy

I shrug. “Yeah, I figured I owed you one since I ruined yours the night of the party.”

Her eyes crinkle when she looks at me. “Wow. Thanks.”

“It’s a real good one. The fabric is nice and thick.” Nice and thick? What is wrong with me?

Needing something to do, I walk in and lean against the couch. She comes over and stands in front of me. “What’s going on, Dylan? Why are you here?”

One look at her, and all I can think is I want this girl. I want her so bad it scares the crap out of me. I’m not used to wanting something like this—giving someone that kind of power over me. That’s the scariest part of this.

Before I can wuss out, I start to talk. “I wouldn’t be good at the whole boyfriend thing, Ziah. My dad’s yard got sprayed with vomit I was so upset about the wedding. Can you imagine how much I’d screw up if it was about me?”

Even to me, it sounds like a lame excuse.

She shakes her head at me. “No offense, Dylan, but that’s a lame excuse. And I don’t remember asking you to be my boyfriend.”

My eyes find her brown carpet, knowing I’m going to have to tell her something that my best friend only knows because he’s close with my family. Something that makes my insides feel like they’re rotting out just to talk about.

“My mom’s gone. I mean, of course my mom’s gone. You know my mom isn’t around, but she left us. Left me, Derrick, and my Dad.”

I suck in a breath, suddenly wishing I was back in Dad’s yard so I could puke again. My gut feels like it’s being ground apart. Slowly, Ziah walks over and leans next to me. It shocks me because the only time we’ve been this close is when I mauled her in the tu

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know…”

“Yeah, it’s not usually something I offer up freely.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Her voice is soft, barley above a whisper.

“I want to.”

She raises her eyebrows at me.

“Okay, I don’t want to, but I need to. You deserve to know why I pulled away and stuff.”

My ear suddenly itches. Or maybe it doesn’t, but I need to scratch it just to do something. This is harder than I thought.

“Even when I was a kid, I knew how lucky I was. I mean, I had the huge house, a cool dad, and the kind of mom who would bring me and my best friend to the park for five hours. She was always doing stuff with us, for us. It was perfect.”

Is that all you remember about that day? Isn’t that what Paul had asked me? A little flash of Mom driving home with red eyes pops into my head. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen her cry, but that’s normal, right?

Another picture, seeing her argue with someone in the park. One of the other kid’s dads. What happened?

“Sounds nice.” Ziah’s voice pulls me back to the moment.

It was nice. I think she actually caught me sneaking up to watch a movie with her that night. She’d had a pallet on the floor in the living room and let me sleep there with her.

“It’s only Paul’s mom around his house, and she pretty much works as much as my dad does now. He was always at my house because we had everything. My parents always treated him like another kid, too.”

I’m rambling. How lame is that? I’m not usually a rambler. I feel like such a pussy, but when she squeezes my hand, some of the tension in my chest lightens.

“She spoiled me, ya know. That’s why I’m used to getting my way. I could get away with anything.”

Not toward the end, though. She’d been so mad. So mad and then nothing. Am I just making this up? Our life was good. Perfect.

“So yeah, one day I had the perfect life, the next, Mom was gone. Dad was all screwed up. Derrick wouldn’t come out of his room. I had no clue. No fucking clue what was going on. Dad tried to pull it together for me, but he couldn’t. I’ve never felt as alone… as abandoned as I did then. I had no one.”

Tears, tears start to sting my eyes. I wipe them before they can fall. “I get it. I was too young, Dad was too messed up, but I was scared.”

I close my eyes, hoping to make it go away with the darkness, hoping we’ll magically be in that tu

“Derrick actually came around first. He ma

“Soon, Dad came around, too. He tried. We’re still lucky, ya know? He loves us. His Gibson boys.”

Ziah’s quiet for a minute and then finally speaks. “I didn’t know. Lora never told me… God, I’m so sorry, Dylan. That had to have been so hard. Do you know where she is?”

How is it I’m not more wrecked than I am? How is it that being by her kind of makes it okay?

“Hell no, and good riddance. I don’t ever want to see her again.” We don’t need her. How many times has Derrick said that to me? We’re all fine without her.

Ziah steps close to me. I feel her everywhere, inside and out, and there’s a part of me that wants to soak in it. But I can’t.

“That’s why I was so pissed at Derrick about the wedding. I know it sounds stupid, but we promised. He went back on that. I guess, I kind of get it, but,” I shrug. “I don’t want to lose him, too.”

She runs her hand through my hair, and it feels so good. “Dylan, you’re not going to lose him. He’s your brother.”

But my mom was my mom, and she ran away from us. As much as I hate it, I stand up. Ziah backs away from me. The words sound all wrong in my head, like they don’t fit or something, but I make myself say them anyway. I have to.

“So yeah, that’s why I don’t do the relationship thing. I don’t ever want to be like my dad was. And I know you’re the relationship kind of girl. I don’t want screw up our friendship.”

“So you’re just going to be alone forever?”

I don’t answer her question. That’s when I know I have to go. “Listen, I gotta run. I just wanted you to know. It’s not you. It’s me. And that’s really not a line, I swear.”

I should turn and walk away, but I don’t. Her eyes are all big and watery. She’s biting her lip, and I know she doesn’t want me to go. I can’t believe I’m going to admit this, but I have to.

“I like you, but…” I hold out my hand. “Friends?” I ask. “We can still hang out. Designated wedding pla

I try for light and know I’m not pulling it off. I see her chest rise and fall as she takes a deep breath. Gently she shakes her head, steps forward and holds out her hand.

“Friends.”

Eighteen

~ Ziah ~

I’m wondering as I watch Dylan drive away how pathetic I am for wishing he’d have given me a hug. I want to scream, it’s so infuriating, but at the same time, I get it. He’s such a bad idea for me that I should be glad, but I also feel enough around him to know that it still sucks.

***

“So.” Lora bursts into my room. “The girls are coming in this weekend for some girl time and final dress fittings.”

“Okay. When does this start?”

“Now!” Karissa and Mardie burst in behind her.

“And,” Mardie jumps onto my bed, sending her short, black hair flying. It’s a little crazy since I’ve only met her once, but she’s like a ball of Asian crazy-fury. “I got you a fake ID so you can come out with us tonight.”

I stare at Lora with wide eyes.

Lora shrugs. “It’s Saturday afternoon. I want NO talking about homework or anything but fun.”

“Come on, Ziah.” Karissa gives me a big smile. Her hair’s red now, and I actually can’t remember what color it was last time I saw her.