Dizzy

She gives me her angry-girl smile, but something about it is a little different. Or maybe I’m just imagining things.

“Ha. Ha.” See? We can do this. We can go back to normal.

Three sets of stairs later, we’re back on the main floor.

“There you guys are!” Lora calls. Derrick and Paul are with her. “I’ve booked it! We’re ready to go.”

I look at Ziah again, but her eyes aren’t anywhere near me. “I have to go to the bathroom.” She’s already walking away as she says it. “I’ll meet you guys at the car.”

As we head to the Mercedes, I notice Derrick hanging back. Fuck. Definitely not what I want to deal with right now.

“What’s wrong with her? Don’t tell me you fucked with her, Dylan. I’ll kick your ass if you screw with her.” He has this angry face that I don’t even ever get from Dad.

Nice. Love the faith my brother has in me. “What do you mean, what’s wrong with her? She has to pee. Jesus, Derrick. Get engaged, and you turn all paranoid.”

He nods, and I’m pretty sure he believes me. As he jogs to catch up with Lora, Paul cocks his head and raises one of his eyebrows at me. Yeah, didn’t think I could get it past him.

“Don’t ask man. Just do me a favor and ride in the middle, okay?”

He opens his mouth, and I can tell he’s about to argue with me. “I said don’t ask.”

Shaking his head he says, “Whatever you say, D.”

When Ziah comes out, Paul throws an arm around her neck. “Hey, I’m Paul. Have I seen you here before?”

Ziah doesn’t even look at me as she opens her mouth and laughs wrapping her arm around his waist. I watch them as they walk to the car, and for the first time in my life, I feel like really punching my best friend

Sixteen

~ Ziah ~

I know it’s petty, but Paul’s flirtation is the perfect cure for Dylan’s rejection. I laugh with him and play thumb war and grin like an idiot every time he makes a fake move—like yawning to put his arm over me. He even kissed me once on the cheek as a consolation prize when I lost three times in a row.

Our legs are pressed together because he’s screwing around, but it’s not like having Dylan’s leg against mine. Not even close.

Dylan’s silent, but I can’t really see him because Paul’s not a small guy, and the middle seat is up just a tad higher than the other two. Probably best.

I make it all the way home before I internalize what happened between me and Dylan. I’m able to say goodbye to everyone, and I make it up the steps of the porch and through the living room to the stairs and through the door of my room when the whole thing comes crashing down.

He probably kissed me because I was leaning up, and he didn’t want me to feel stupid. Or maybe he kissed me because he’s a guy and will kiss anyone. But then… I mean, wow. Never once in the year James and I were together have I ever felt that way. Like I finally get those movie scenes where they’re tripping over everything on their way to get to the bed.

Oh.

But Dylan wants to be friends. So whatever I was feeling, he definitely wasn’t. How much of an idiot does that make me? I’m not sure if I can handle continuing to be shoved aside like this. It hurts. It hurts like it shouldn’t hurt, because I knew from the first moment I saw him that he was not the kind of guy I should get involved with.

Maybe I should be glad we’re just friends. Only I’m not even sure if he wants that, because I can’t imagine facing him again with that kiss between us. Everything just sucks.

***

“Ziah, please. This is ridiculous!” James is following me to my car.

My keys won’t hold still for me to unlock the door.

“Ziah.” His hand touches my shoulder, and I shrug him away.

I jerk open the driver’s side door, throw in my backpack, but my resolve to drive away from him starts to fade. I turn to face him.

“I’m going crazy without you. Please, can’t we just talk?” He’s on the verge of tears.

I wonder how we got to the point where he’s still crying over us, and I’m still just mad.

“Fine.” Maybe it’s time to get this over with. I glance around at the students flooding into the parking lot. “Climb in.”

I sit in the driver’s seat and contemplate driving away, but I don’t. Instead, I clutch the keys in my hand more tightly. I watch him walk around the front of the car. He’s so familiar. Familiar like family, comfortable like an old friend, and an asshole just like every other guy who thinks it’s okay to cheat on their girlfriend. What on Earth am I going to say to him?

He sits in the passenger’s seat still smelling like formaldehyde from his last class. He has a free period and uses it to help Mr. Lester teach freshman biology instead of going home early. It’s just the sort of nice thing James does that makes it hard to stay mad at him. But I still want to be mad at him, and that makes it easier.

Wow. Awkward silence.

“You’re not acting like yourself, Ziah.” He angles his body to see me.

Now that we’re in this small space together, I wonder if it would have been better to stand outside. It’s like I’m ru

I just need to get something out, right? “You lied to me, James. And not just one lie, but when you were given the chance to come clean, you lied again.”

“I didn’t lie.”

“Not admitting what went on is a lie! And so not what I expected from you.” It’s what I’d expect from someone like Dylan, right? Why does it all need to be so confusing?

He reaches out and takes my hand. I let him, but almost more because I’m curious. What does James feel like to me? Not like Dylan. Just…just like James, I guess.

“We’re perfect together, Ziah. You know it. We want the same things. We like the same things. Sharing classes when you completely ignore me is like torture. I want to be the guy who makes you smile again. I’ve missed that. I’ve missed being around you.”

Have I missed him? Parts, maybe. But for more than friendship? My feelings are too muddled to know.

“I don’t know if I want to be around you anymore.” But my heart hurts with him here. Do I still love James? Yeah, I guess I do, but only because love isn’t something that just disappears. I still care, but like a friend. I don’t want more, and maybe I haven’t for a while, it was just that we had a routine of being together, and I didn’t want to lose that.

James looks like I just kicked him. “I don’t want there to be awkwardness. Not with us. If you can’t do anything else right now, I understand. The space between us is killing me. You were my best friend and my girlfriend all in one gorgeous package. I go crazy when I think about how that one stupid night shouldn’t have happened. How I’d trade anything to take it back. I’ve berated myself over and over for not going to your mom’s restaurant.”

James is all sincerity. Maybe I’m keeping myself mad at him because I just want to be mad.

“Then you shouldn’t have lied about it.” I shake my head. “There were too many times, and too many opportunities for you to say something.”

His head falls forward, and I know James well enough to know he’s once again struggling not to cry. My first pang of sympathy for how I’ve tortured him hits me hard. It’s been weeks, and I haven’t said a word to him.

“I don’t think she knew who she was kissing, and even then, she kissed me in a way that you never had. Like she really, really wanted it. Me. Even though she didn’t know who it was. I wanted that from you.” He lets his eyes find mine.

I wanted that from him, too. But it just wasn’t there. James and I just aren’t supposed to be together that way.

“Could I take you out? Just once. Just to start over or something?” His hand squeezes mine, and it’s fu

“Midterms are in a couple weeks. Maybe we could get together to study or something. But don’t think this means you’re forgiven, and I don’t want to be anything more than friends.” I keep my jaw tight, hoping he’ll know I’m serious.