Measuring Up

this. “Hi.” I sit down next to her. “He’s not here.” We both know who he is.

“No he’s not. I’m not sure why. He’s supposed to be.”

She may not be sure, but I am. He’s not here because he knows I am. A cry threatens to crawl up my throat, but I block it out. “I should go…”

Dana shakes her head. “Why?”

I feel bad that she has to do this. That she has to lie to me so she doesn’t hurt my feelings. That one son has to miss her other son’s game because I’m here. “I just think it’s better.” I did what I came to do. I can be proud of that. I risked seeing him, but I’m not going to come between him and his family.

“Sweetie,” she grabs my hand. “I don’t know what happen with you guys, but I have a few good guesses. This doesn’t excuse him, but his heart was in the right

place. And he’s hurting too.”

She lets go of my hand when her cell phone rings. “Hold on a second. Let me get this, but you don’t go anywhere, young lady.” She winks at me, then walks

away to talk on her phone. I watch her pace back and forth, just out of earshot, talking animatedly to whoever is on the phone. Is it Tegan? Do I care? I shouldn’t, but I do. I know I don’t need him, but I do still love him and somewhere inside me there’s the girl who couldn’t wait to see him today.

Before I can think about it much longer, Dana is back. “You’re right. I think you should go, sweetie.”

My chest hurts. My heart breaks. It sucks. It’s painful and I hate it, but that’s life, right? We all lose people and all you can do is move on, no matter how much you wish you didn’t have to. “Will we still see each other?” I ask, hugging her.

“We will see a lot of each other. You’re stuck with me now, kiddo. I always wanted a daughter.”

A few tears leak out of my eyes and I hug her tighter. Before I lose it completely, I stand up. “I’ll see you soon then.”

“You’re going home, right?”

I nod, wondering why she’s asking. After another wave to Tim—one where I can tell he’s confused as to where I’m going—I leave the building, get in my car

and drive home.

***

The second I pull onto my street, I see it. See him, leaning against his old, beat-up car like he’s done so many other times. Only now he’s on my street. He’s at my house. My heart accelerates along with my car. Calm down, A

and get out.

“What do you think you’re doing missing your brother’s game?! He was so excited and you know he wants you there. I know you want to be there! How could

you not go just because you knew I would be there?” It’s only the begi

Tegan pretends to duck for cover. “You’re not going to hit me again, are you?”

I bite my tongue to keep from laughing. Ugh. I missed him. I missed him way too much. “This isn’t the time to joke, Gym Boy.”

“I know.” He looks totally serious. The smile gone, his body tense as he no longer leans against his car, but stands up straight. Then, he hands me a piece of

paper.

“I…”

“Just open it.”

“I…”

“Please?”

“Only because you asked nicely.”

He doesn’t smile when he says, “Thank you.”

Slowly, I unfold the paper. It’s a college form. His college form, where he can declare his major. The box that’s checked reads, “undeclared”.

My hands start to shake. I’m not sure what to think. “You’re not going to be a physical therapist?”

He shrugs. “Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not sure. I figure I don’t have to decide right now. I can take classes, take some time, to see what I want to do. It’s a big

decision, you know.”

Joy and hope spread through my body, warming me. He deserves to be happy.

“This past six weeks have killed me, A

Then at me because I realized—”

“You couldn’t have me?” Six weeks of pain, questions, anger explode from me. Things I should have said that last day, but was too scared. “You had me, Tegan

and you threw me away! And why? You know I love your family. I would have understood anything you needed to do with them.”

“I know.” He stands there, waiting for whatever I throw at him.

“You hurt me, Tegan. More than anyone in my life because I trusted you more than anyone else.” I don’t know where it comes from, but I poke his chest with my

finger. “And you threw that away. The first time something bad happened, you left me, just like—”

“My dad.” His eyes fall closed and he lets out a deep breath, before opening them again. “I did exactly what my dad did. When I didn’t know how to handle

something, I ran.”

Oh. I hadn’t expected him to see it. “I thought I had to be everything for them. That letting myself have something for me meant I wasn’t giving them what they

deserved.”

My hands are wigging out so much, I don’t know what to do with them, so I shove them in my pockets. “You’re only human, Tegan. You’re nineteen years-old!

It’s okay to love them, but you can’t dedicate your life to them.”

“You’re right…I can’t and they don’t need me to anyway. I don’t know why I didn’t see it, but I see it now.”

Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. I try to focus on slowing my heart, but I can only focus on him.

“I… I went and saw my dad. Told him how I felt about him. I talked to Mom and she told me how much of a conceited, big head I am. Timmy called me a

dumbass and Mom didn’t even tell him to watch his mouth. I needed to get over myself. Stop feeling sorry for me, for them. Stop thinking I could handle everything, because I couldn’t and I don’t want to. Why was it my job to save them? Be there for them? Yeah. Save them? No. They’re not even the ones who needed it. It was

me.”

I can’t explain how hard it is not to reach out and grab him now. Not to wrap my arms around him. Not to taste him. Not to soak up all his ocean and boy scent.

But I can’t. Not yet. “No one can save anyone else, Tegan. I’ve learned that. We all have to save ourselves.”

“I know, baby. I know. Everything I’ve done the past few weeks has been the right thing, but it still didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel good. And then Timmy had his game tonight and I knew what was missing. You. I want to hold your hand while I watch him. See your face light up while you watch him. If you’re interested, we can go to his game… Maybe talk some more after? We’re going to be late. I called my Mom a little while ago and told her I came here first. She said to give you another half hour. I swear that woman is psychic sometimes.”

He didn’t miss the game to avoid me.

He didn’t even know I was there.

And he’s the one who called Dana.

She’s the one who sent me home.

I can’t help it, I laugh.

“Talk about a buzz kill. You laughing at me was the second worst way I imagined this going.” He gives me his half smile. The playful one, but his eyes are still

unsure. They’re pleading with me.

“I was at the game. I saw your mom and Tim at the coffee shop and they invited me. I thought you weren’t there because you found out I was going. Then

someone called—which I now know was you and your mom told me to go home.”

“She played us. That sounds like her.” He bites his lip. I’ve never seen him look like this before. “Or maybe she just wanted to give us the chance to talk in

private. Are you up for it? Talking, I mean?”

“What about the game? That’s important.”

Tegan steps closer to me. Not too close, not enough to touch me, but enough so I smell him. I want to wrap myself in that scent. In him.

“It is, but you’re important too. There will be other games.”

The old me wouldn’t have said this, but the new me can’t hold it in. I sit on the curb and he goes down beside me. Even though my voice shakes. Even though