Measuring Up

Because even though this is what I thought I wanted over three months ago, it’s not.

Okay, let me rephrase that: it is. I wanted to lose weight. Wanted to be healthier. Wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, but back then I also wanted to prove a point to the Billy’s of my school. I wanted the boys to drool and the girls to be jealous. Maybe that makes—or made— me a shallow person. Or maybe it just made me someone who wanted to shine for once, which I don’t consider a bad thing. I’m not sure which it is. What I do know is, standing here, twenty five pounds lighter, I’m happy. I feel good about myself, but it’s not because all these people are staring at me. It’s not because I’ve had people tell me how good I look or because suddenly it’s okay to be my friend.

It’s not even because I’ve lost weight. Being overweight doesn’t make a person someone to be ashamed of, just like being ski

be proud of. No. What matters is on the inside. How you feel about yourself and how you treat others. I’ve accomplished something and found my self-worth. I couldn’t give a crap about Billy Mason anymore. I care about A

back and forth and even met up at the mall once. Em likes them, and they like her too. And it’s hard…so hard not to ask them about Tegan. To tell them I don’t want to hear it when they talk to me about him, but I do it. Even though I still love him, I find a way not to go there. I’m not ready yet.

“Billy Mason, twelve o’clock,” Em whispers in my ear.

I look over to see Billy, Patrick and the rest of their crew walking down the hall. The sea of students part, letting the shark wade through the water until he stands in front of me.

“Wow…Lookin’ pretty hot, Conway.”

Okay, is it me or is he the biggest idiot alive? Lookin’ hot, Conway? I’m not sure that’s cool in any universe. Especially one where he’s given me hell for years and picked a fight with my boyfriend. “You must have worked on that one all night. I have to say, your line could use a little more work though.”

I start to walk away, but Billy’s hand on my arm stops me. “Listen, Conway.” He steps closer to me and lowers his voice. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”

Instead of holding my thoughts in, I find myself saying them. “Are you for real? No. Actually, hell no.”

“Aw, come on. Is this because of your boyfriend? Listen, I didn’t mean to kick his ass, but he started it.”

My heart jumps at the word boyfriend when it’s attached to Tegan. “It has nothing to do with Tegan and all to do with the fact that you’re an ass. That just

because I’ve lost twenty-five pounds you automatically decide to try being friends with me. What? Because I fit in now?”

“No, it’s because you’re hot now.” Billy laughs and all his friends fall into step, laughing with him. How does that make him fu

“And you’re a jerk. How shallow do you think I am? After everything you’ve done to me, you think just because you decide to show me attention now I’m going

to fall all over you?”

“I—”

“No. I didn’t say you could talk yet. You made me feel like crap. I didn’t fit into your little definition of perfect and you never let me forget it. I can assure you, there is nothing. Nothing that would ever make you worth the air you breathe.”

“She told you,” Em says from beside me.

Just like the end of school last year, we’re surrounded by people. This one will end differently. All of us are going to be late for class, but obviously no one cares.

Without another word, I hook my arm through Em’s and we walk, not run, away with our heads held high, Billy gaping at us as we go.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

UNDECLARED

I take a sip of coffee, looking for a seat in the busy coffee shop when I hear her. “A

Dana’s arms wrap around me, squeezing me so tightly I can hardly breathe. It’s such a Mom hug, so loving, so sacred that I can’t help but squeeze her just as hard.

“I’ve missed you too.” So much. Almost as much as I miss Tegan. When she lets go, I want to pull her back in again. “Hey, Tim.” I lean down and give him a

hug.

“Hey! It’s really good to see you. Wa

me craz—okay, I’ll stop!” he says when she smacks his arm again.

My senses go on high alert at the mention of Tegan. What was Tim going to say? I try to push those questions out of my head, but it doesn’t work. The best I can

do is cover them with a blanket for now. “What are you guys doing here?” Can you say stupid question? Dana holds up her coffee cup.

“I needed some caffeine.”

“Yeah, me too!” It’s then I realize Em’s with me and I haven’t introduced them. “Dana and Tim, this is my best friend, Emily. Em this is Tegan’s mom and

brother.”

“Hi, Emily. It’s wonderful to meet you.” Dana shakes her hand and Tim tells her hi. Em shyly tells them hi back.

“Look at you!” Dana pulls me in for another hug. “You’re a hottie. You’ve always been gorgeous, but watch out world!”

Her words make me giggle. “I don’t know about hottie, but thanks.”

“I’m serious. You look fantastic. You should be very proud of yourself. I know Tegan will be proud of you, too.”

Will be. She says that like we’ll see each other again. I mean, maybe we will, but maybe we won’t. It’s not a for sure. We’re broken up. Over. The only time I’ve heard from him since the break-up was the happy birthday text. Still, I know the truth. “Yeah, I think he would be.” A pang of sadness hits me. I’d like to share it with him. Even though we’re not together, I wish I could show him I did it all on my own. That he was right, I didn’t need him.

“A

“I…” Would love nothing more than to go to his game. To watch him play, talk to Dana. I miss them so much. Bubbles of excitement fizz inside me, but then I

realize it’s Tim’s first game. Nothing would keep Tegan away from that. I can’t just show up there, the ex-girlfriend budging in on his family time. “I’d love to, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

Dana grabs my hand. “A

Biting my lip, I look down at our joined hands. I’m not so sure of that. If that was the case, then why wouldn’t he have called me in all this time? Sure we broke up, but we could have been friends. All of a sudden, I’m mad at him. Why can’t we be friends? Why did he completely cut me off? It’s not as if we broke up on bad terms—I guess any break up is bad, but it’s not like we were angry. Unless there’s something on his side I don’t know about.

“Come on, A

he knows how to work them just as well as his brother does.

His brother who isn’t going to keep me from enjoying Tim’s game. I shouldn’t be scared to see him. If he’s angry, oh well. There are a few things I’d like to say to him anyway. “You know what? I’d love to come and see your game tonight. What time should I be there?”

***

Wow, this idea felt much better this afternoon than it does now. My heart is thudding as hard as the basketball does when it hits the pavement. But I’m here.

That’s all that matters. If I see him, I do, if I don’t, I don’t. I wave at Tim while I walk around the court. When I get to the bleachers, I spot Dana sitting in the bottom row. Alone.

He didn’t come. At first, I’m hurt and then—well, then I’m pissed. How can he miss his brother’s game just because I’m here? The Tegan I know wouldn’t do