Measuring Up

Tegan dropped and ends up on her butt in the middle of the hallway. Everyone around us starts laughing except Tegan, me and Pammie. She’s pissed, I have no idea

what Tegan’s thinking and I’m in shock. Twice, I just pushed this girl. I don’t condone fighting, but it feels good not to back down. To push back when someone

attacks me.

“You pushed me, you stupid, fat cow. What are you going to do? Sit on me next?”

The hall goes dead quiet. Probably not in reality, but for me, it does. I hear nothing except for her words and suddenly, I feel stupid. What am I doing here?

“Watch. Your. Mouth,” Tegan seethes at her. “There’s nothing wrong with A

“A

They’re so close to words I’ve heard from Billy before.

I have nothing left inside me.

No words.

No fight.

Shoving my way through the crowd, I run.

***

“A

I burst through the front door, ignoring Tegan. As soon as my feet hit the porch, I’m ru

“A

He’s right behind me when I get to his car. My eyes start to sting as he looks at me with kindness. “She’s a bitch. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about and I’m so sorry—”

“Not now,” I shake my head. “I can’t talk about it yet. Just…get me out of here.”

He nods, opening the door for me. I get in and a second later we’re driving. Not toward his house, but he could take me anywhere right now and I wouldn’t care.

We end up at the beach. A look out spot that thankfully, is deserted. Which ironically enough, is just how I feel. Barren. Alone. I know it doesn’t make sense. I tell myself to just get over it. Who gives a crap what that girl says? But my heart and head are heading in different directions. My brain’s floating ashore while my heart drifts out to sea.

“You know I think you’re beautiful, right? That I don’t give a shit about any of the other stuff. I just like spending time with you.”

His words are my life boat. He throws them out to me and my instinct is to grab on, to let myself float to safety on them. Tegan always knows how to make me

feel buoyant, as though just by him thinking I’m beautiful, that because he likes to be with me, I could make it to shore without the boat. But what happens when he’s not here? He can’t always be here.

not here? He can’t always be here.

“You’re way too strong to let her drag you under, A

Tegan’s right. To a degree at least. And even though I know he can’t always be here, he’s here now and I intend to take advantage of that. To ride his waves, and hope that later I’m able to stand up on the surfboard without him. “I’m trying to be. I want to be.” How he manages to pull such truth out of me, so much feeling, I don’t know, but it feels good not to hide. To step out from my secret hiding place and say, “Here I am! Look at me! This is how I feel” even if it means getting tagged

“it”.

“Sometimes I think I’m stronger than I am and other times, I know my weaknesses. It’s hard to find that middle ground. To accept my weaknesses without embracing them as a part of me I can never change.” My words are even confusing me. It makes sense in my head, but not out loud. “Do you know what I mean or do

I just sound like a psycho?”

“Well… maybe not psych-ward crazy, but a little confusing.”

I can’t believe it, but I almost smile. “How do you always know the right thing to say?”

Tegan’s thumb makes feather-soft circles on my cheek and I lean into him. “I don’t. Half the time I’m scared as hell I’m saying the dumbest shit in the world.”

More softness. More circles. “You know, it might come as a surprise to you, but I’m not always as sure as I like to come off. I have a lot of stuff I’m trying to work through too.”

“I know…” I remember how he looked at Bo and Ricks words tonight. Knowing his dad left and all he does to try and hold his family together. Yes, Tegan is a

little broken like me.

“You wa

“I think I need to.”

“K. Hold up a sec.” Tegan gets out of the car, comes around opens my door for me. I think we’re going to go outside, but he pulls me in the backseat with him.

His arm comes around me and I let my back rest against the side of his chest. Even though it’s warm, even with the windows down, Tegan’s heat is welcoming.

“I feel stupid even talking about it. I mean, people get teased all the time.”

“That doesn’t make it hurt any less for the person on the receiving end.”

Like always, he’s right. “You know how it goes. There’s always someone at school who gets it. We’ve talked about it before. How shitty school is.”

It’s hard talking about this and keeping my emotions out of it. I want to, I need to, but then I don’t, do I? I should be able to share this with Tegan.

I nuzzle closer to him. In return, he squeezes me tighter. “On the last day of school last year, I knew something was up. Everyone was staring at me more than

usual. Snickers, laughs, pointing. Em noticed it too, but we tried to blow it off. I mean, we didn’t usually care what people thought about us.

“About halfway through the day, I started hearing little comments. Fat Girl in Love. Little digs about how stupid I was. How delusional I was. I seriously had no idea what was happening.”

My eyes are watering now. Tears are dripping down my face, rolling down my neck. Tegan reaches over and catches them.

“So it’s the end of the day. We’re in the commons. Everyone’s there, all hyped up because school’s out for the summer. That’s when this guy—Billy Mason

—comes up to me and shoves a letter in my hand. I swear, I think the whole school was around us, Tegan. I felt everyone’s eyes on me while I read it.”

I take a few breaths, forcing myself to continue. “It was a love letter. A love letter from me that I didn’t write. It was made out to Billy. Everyone had a copy.

They were all holding them, reading and laughing at all the things they thought I said to Billy. We worked together for our final in English so whoever wrote it took the idea from that. It spelled out how I fell in love with him while working with him, how gorgeous I thought he was. How nice he was to me.”

I try to pull away, needing a little space, but he holds me tighter. That’s when I realize I don’t need the space after all. I need him.

“Needless to say, I denied it. Also needless to say, Billy played it up. How he just felt bad for the fat girl and he didn’t mean for me to fall in love with him. That he gets it—how a girl like me would want to think there could be something between us, but I’m not his type. How I’m such a nice girl, but he likes his girls with a little less meat on their bones. Everyone loved that one.”

I shake my head. “The more I denied it, the more they seemed to think it was real. He kept telling me I didn’t have to be in denial. They all saw the letter, crap like that. It was so embarrassing, Tegan. I hated him, but I hated me too.”

“No.” He pulls away so we can look at each other. “You have nothing to hate yourself about. That’s bullshit, A

with you.”

“There’s the part of me that knows it, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

More tears are coming. Tegan pulls me against him and I cry into his chest. It feels good leaning on him. Having him here for me. Trusting him in a way I’ve

never done with anyone. When all the tears are gone, he tilts my head up and places a soft kiss to my lips.

“First of all, Billy would be honored to have you love him. I have to admit, I’m pretty stoked you don’t. Makes me luckier because you’re mine.”