Measuring Up

Whatever, but don’t lose faith.” He shrugs. “If you really want this that is.”

His words sound suspiciously like a challenge to me and by the way half his mouth twitches, I can tell it is. I want to fight it, fight him, but there’s a bigger part of me who wants to take him up on this. Not just because it is what I want, but because there’s something about him that intrigues me. I’d never admit it to anyone but myself, but I need to know what makes him tick. Why he’s so freaked out about getting help from people, when it’s obvious he puts himself out there for everyone

else.

“Just say yes, Rocky. I know you’re going to. I watched you that first day. Saw the determination on your face while you walked to the gym. Then you’d let it

beat you a little. Totally different body language while you walked back to your car.”

Not sure how I feel about him studying my body language.

“Then your head would be held high again when you’d walk back. Show me that determination. Show me what I saw on your face when you were hitting that

punching bag.”

I lean against the door, knowing I have no defense for him. “You’re determined.”

“Show me you’re more determined.”

I just don’t get it. All his answers sound so real. They make sense when he says them, but I really don’t get why he’d come all the way here, go through this much trouble just for me. “Why?” I ask again. It takes him a minute to reply. When he does, I know he really understood what I meant.

His eyes divert from mine, studying something on my house. “You were pissed that first day. You wanted to kick my ass, but then you saw…and you helped. No

matter how you felt about me you did it because it was the right thing to do. Not because you felt sorry for anyone. It was just a reflex.”

His words almost steal mine. They do capture my breath. “Anyone would have.”

He shakes his head. “No, they wouldn’t.”

More bits and pieces of him start to show. Who wasn’t there for him? Who shattered his belief in people helping him or his family?

Tegan’s eyes find mine. The way he’s looking at me, it’s like he can see through me. As though he knows things about me no one else does. I want to see what he

does. “Yeah, okay. Just…don’t play games with me, kay? Be real.”

Tegan nods.

“So, tomorrow?” I ask.

“It’s our day of—oh wait, I picked up a few extra hours, but not till later. Go jogging with me.”

Automatically, I want to say no, but then I remember the decision I just made. The one I’m sticking with no matter what. “Okay, but I’m warning you, there is no

way I’ll be able to keep pace with you.”

Tegan smiles and steps back on the porch. “Don’t doubt yourself, A

“WHAT?”

He tilts his head and gives me a look. “Wussing out already?”

“Ugh, fine. See you at six.” Then I remember Mom and Dad. “Um, can we meet though?”

He looks a little offended before telling me to meet him at Let’s Get Physical instead. He gets halfway down my walkway before turning to face me again. “I’m

probably going to regret this, but remember, you promised to be there.” He’s quiet for a second and then says, “And I am…looking, I mean. You said look at you and I just want to tell you, I am.”

Then he’s gone and I’m left more out of breath than any treadmill or round of boxing could ever leave me.

***

I’m standing in front of my mirror in a pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. It’s ridiculous, I know. I see myself every day, but I can’t help but study every rounded curve of my body. No inch goes u

There’s a little mole by my collar bone. A dimple on the right side of my mouth when I smile big. I frown. It’s much smaller that way.

He said he’s looking. Tegan’s looking at me and I’m trying to figure out what he sees. I know what I see. There’s little dimple in my thigh, resting under my rear.

My arms are too big. Is that what he sees? If so, why is he looking?

Turning to the side, I suck in my stomach. My boobs aren’t bad. Actually, I’m pretty proud of them. They’re nice and round. Much bigger than Em’s, but not too

big, if you ask me. She always says she wishes hers were more like mine. Are they what he sees?

Or is that not what he meant at all? That he’s looking deeper than what he sees on the outside? My willingness to help him with his brother seems big to him. Like it actually meant something. Like it tells him something about me. Maybe I’m studying myself in the mirror for nothing and it’s really the helpful girl who pulled a chair from a van that he’s talking about.

I want both to be true. I like being seen for the inside, but for once, I’d love for someone to look at me too. To think I’m beautiful, not in the you’d-have-a-pretty-face-but way that I’m used to.

I think of Em again, the need to call her, to tell her surging inside me. She’s my best friend and she’ll support this. She’ll support me, right? And she’ll always be honest. I need to know exactly what she thinks when she looks at me.

Turning for my cell, I jump when I see a figure standing in my doorway. “Mom. You scared the bejesus out of me.”

Her arms are crossed in another suit. It’s almost bedtime and she hasn’t changed yet. “What were you doing?”

My tongue itches to tell her. To really ask her what she thinks about me, but I’m scared of the answer. “Nothing.” I shrug.

I turn back to the mirror and she comes up and steps behind me. “I’ve been thinking…”

“What?”

She fingers my hair. “How would you like a few highlights? It might be fun to do something different, don’t you think?”

Actually, I kind of like my hair. I didn’t realize it until this second. “Maybe…”

“We can make a day of it. Have a spa day. Manicures, pedicures. There’s a new shop in town I’ve thought about making an appointment at. They specialize in

clothes that help…they’re slimming, accentuating your assets.”

When I look in the mirror now, I don’t see the boobs I’d been admiring moments ago. My eyes don’t look as blue and now my lips just feel fat, not like kissable

rosebuds. I’m thinking about the dimple in my thigh. The stomach that’s anything but flat. I even forget the girl who helped Tegan because it was the right thing to do.

“Sure.”

But really I wonder why Tegan bothers looking.

Chapter Six

DOUBLE THE REJECTION

I’m wearing a pair of gray sweats and a black t-shirt when I pull up to Let’s Get Physical at ten minutes to six. In the passenger seat is my backpack with a change of clothes, just a simple pair of capris, one of those shirts with the tie underneath my boobs and sandals. Not sure why I brought them, but figured the last thing I would want is to be in need of something other than sweats and not have it on-hand.

I turn off my car and fiddle with my keys while waiting for Tegan to get here. It’s so crazy, being here and waiting for him to go jogging. I haven’t jogged for fun in—wow, I can’t even remember. And now I’m doing it with my trainer? What was I thinking?

Shaking my head, I fight to stamp down my doubt. He won’t push me too hard. That I can tell about him. He’s good at his job. Understanding and encouraging,

which is what I need. Even if he is a little cocky and moody some of the time.

Picking up my cell phone, I glance at the time. 6:10. Nerves start a slow boil in my belly. Not everyone can be on time all the time. Especially at six in the

morning.

Shoving my keys back into the ignition, I give power to the car to listen to music. I wonder where we’re going to run. Hopefully it’s not someplace that’s packed with people. For some reason, I think Tegan knows better than that though. I’m sure he knows I’m a total wuss and it would make me uncomfortable.