Masquerade

Bee moves out of the way when I jerk the door open.

And then she slams it behind us, never farther than a foot away from me.

She doesn’t say anything as we head to our room. Part of me wonders if she thought I would leave but I can tell she doesn’t. That she knows me better than that because no matter what I said, I won’t walk out if Laney needs me. I might not be the best kind of brother, but this is the only kind I know how to be.

“I’m texting her that we’re in our room.”

I don’t have it in me to argue. It takes me three times to make the stupid keycard work before the green light flashes and I open the door. My hands are actually shaking as I pace the room, trying to breathe, trying not to think about beating Adrian’s ass or how much I disappoint my sister.

“Don’t feel guilty about what you did. It might not have ended up being the right thing but your heart was in the right place. Don’t let them make you feel like it wasn’t.”

“Was it? Was it in the right fucking place?” My feet won’t stop moving. “I did it because of guilt. Because I let them both down and that’s not being in a right place. It’s being selfish. It’s trying to make up for all the shit that I screwed up. That’s what I did, Bee. Don’t try to make a hero out of me.”

Once the words leave my mouth, there’s not even a second I want them back. I’m so tired of staying fucking quiet. I want this shit out of me. “Everything I do isn’t because I’m some great guy with a big fucking heart. It’s because I owe people. Because I let them down and this is the only way to make amends for it.”

Bee crosses her arms. “Bullshit. I don’t believe that for a second.” She leans against the table looking almost relaxed.

“Why? Do you see the good in everyone like my sister? Do you think you can save me? Honestly, I’m not that fucked up. My kid didn’t die. My mom didn’t hate me. I’m an asshole who kept his mouth shut for selfish reasons when I should have spoken up.”

“You’ve lost stuff too. Don’t try and pretend you haven’t.”

At that, I laugh. “What? Football? A dad who I don’t give a shit about anyway?”

“A dad who was still your dad. Football, which was something you loved. And what about your mom? Your sister? Your childhood? You can pretend all you want that you’ve never been hurt before and that you’ve never lost anything, but I will continue to call bullshit, Scratch. Loss is loss. It’s not a contest about who’s been hurt more. We all have our own battles to fight.”

I’m suddenly begging my mouth to stay shut. I’m going into territory I’ve never traveled before. I wish like hell I had a cigarette on me, but since I don’t, I walk over to the window and push the curtain open. It’s something to keep me busy because as much as I’ve never wanted to talk, I know I’m about to do just that. I have to tell someone and she’s the only person I can imagine seeing inside me.

“Did you miss the part where I said it’s my fault? That I could have stopped it?”

“Well I’m about to get to the part where I say it doesn’t matter.”

Her reply almost makes me laugh but it’s stuck inside me. She doesn’t get it. How much everyone has lost. Turning around, I look at her—at her blond hair and the determined look on her face. At her gorgeous fucking body and know that I want her to know me in a way no one else has. That even though I never thought I would fall for anyone that I’ve somehow fallen for this woman.

That I love her… because everything almost feels okay with her standing with me. Going to the morgue was easier and seeing Laney too. There’s always this anger inside me that she somehow soothes.

She deserves to know who I am.

“I knew, Bee. I knew Dad gambled and I went with him—races, illegal games, whatever he could find. I found out later about the cheating and I never told. I let myself believe he wasn’t going to hurt Mom anymore and let him continue to lie about his trips out of town so he could make money for me. Because I wanted football so fucking bad and scholarships weren’t a guarantee.”

She takes another step closer to me, so close I feel the heat of her and wish I could lose myself in it.

“You were a kid. It wasn’t your job to fix it. He put you in a bad position with all his secrets.”

Nausea turns in my gut at what I’m going to say next. At the thought of how much my silence has hurt other people. “I knew he wasn’t where he said he would be the weekend he killed Adrian’s son. I knew and we fought and he told me to keep my fucking mouth closed and I did. I sat back and pretended he was working when I knew he wasn’t. I let him go and lied to my mom. He got in that car with another woman and killed Adrian’s kid!”

The words are almost choking me now but I can’t stop them from coming out. My heart is beating so hard my chest hurts and I see Adrian’s son’s eyes, which are engraved into my brain after as many times as I’ve looked him up online over the years.

The same man who loves my little sister more than anything. Who takes care of her better than I ever could despite the fact that she’s co

“He was two years old when he died. Two. And even though I hated my father and stopped playing ball with him, I still let my stupid fucking dream get in the way of doing what was right. I let him go and he killed Ashton and broke Adrian and I’ve still kept my mouth shut this whole time. I don’t have the balls to step forward even now.

“I’ve hated Mom for being so broken all these years when it was partially my fault. When she died, I almost felt… Christ it was almost a relief because she won’t be hurting anymore and she can’t hurt my sister. What kind of guy feels relief when his mom kills herself?”

We’re standing only a few inches from her. I’m breathing heavy, my chest heaving in and out, my fists tight as I wait for her to tell me I’m as weak as I know I am. For her to be disgusted because I’ve let so many people get hurt and I treat them all like shit, even though I could have stood for something important for once in my life.

When everything went down with Adrian and Laney, I accused him of being a pussy, when I’m even worse. I’m weak and I’m a liar.

“He was a kid, Bee. And Mom… fuck, she loved my dad. I hate her for how she treated Laney but she really fucking loved him. My sister lost both her parents and lives with the knowledge of what our dad did every time she looks at Adrian. One word from me could have changed everything.”

We could have been happy. People didn’t have to die.

My eyes find Bee again, afraid of what I’ll see there. I wait as she crosses her arms, looks up at me before she finally speaks, her words completely unexpected. “Are you done now, Scratch?”

Chapter Twenty-Seven ~Bee~

Maddox is speechless. He’s standing in front of me with his mouth open and I’m praying like hell I’m doing the right thing. There’s a part of me that wants to reach for him—to pull him to me and hold him because he’s living with so much misplaced guilt. He’s taking the blame for Adrian’s kid, his sister, his mom, and everyone else his dad hurt when none of it was his fault.

Because he loves them?

When Maddox still doesn’t reply, I continue. “You’re too smart to think all that is your fault. I can imagine how everything you’ve been through hurts. None of it was your doing, though.”

When he steps to the side as though he’s going to go around me, I follow, keeping in front of him. Maddox could easily push me out of the way but he won’t. I know it.