Masquerade

“If I would have told—”

“Then maybe, maybe things would have turned out differently, but there’s a good chance they wouldn’t have. Your mom still would have been hurt by him. He probably wouldn’t have quit gambling or left the other woman for her, which means he still could have been on that road.”

“But he might not have too!” he yells, his eyes slightly wet. No tears fall because that’s not Maddox. I wonder if he’s ever opened himself up enough to cry, even when he’s alone.

“I need to get out of here.” He moves to step around me again. Before he can, I grab his arm.

“You said you don’t want to be a pussy, so don’t. I’m telling you something here. Don’t run.”

“Pfft.” He pulls away but makes no attempt to leave. “Look who’s talking. I know shit about you, Bee. I’ve told you things about me I’ve never told anyone else, and I don’t know why you run from a mom who obviously loves you or why you needed a new name. I know shit about you, so you have no right talking to me about ru

His words stab me, a truth that I wish I could change—wish I could be like him because I actually want him to know me in the way he’s let me know him.

“I never claimed to be anything other than who I am. You’re right and I know it.”

“Then what room do you have to talk?”

“I don’t! You think I don’t know that?” The urge to cry burns behind my eyes, in my chest, and God do I want to reach for him. To stop dancing around in this masquerade and figure out who I am, to be proud of it and to learn to love the way he does.

After taking a few deep breaths, I reach inside me and find words. “I’ve never let anyone in as much as I’ve let you. It’s scary as hell and my instinct is to run like crazy but I’m here. I might not be as strong as I’m telling you to be but I’m here… for you.” The words make my chest ache; I’m embarrassed because I know how crazy they sound.

“It scares the hell out of me. I’ve seen people ruin lives in the name of love, feel like lesser of a person when they can’t be what others want them to be and I’ve seen it given unconditionally too…” That’s how Mom loves Dad. How my whole family loves each other and how I know they want to love me, but how can they? I was gone for so long and I came back a shell of the person they knew. Maybe they loved Leila, but Leila isn’t Bee.

I turn my head, unable to look at him anymore, scared to see what reflects in his gray eyes because I think I told him I want to love him. Or that I do. Hell, I don’t even know what I said. Maddox doesn’t let me off easily. Gentle hands touch my chin and push until I’m looking at him again.

He’s breathing so hard I feel his breath. Wonder if he hears the wild beat of my heart.

“And?” His voice comes out raspy.

And I don’t get love. Don’t want to feel it even though I worry I already do. I was stolen and shown love only to be told it was wrong. To remember how they hurt me and then returned to find out I couldn’t be the same girl my real family loved.

“I’ve seen the way you love your sister. You would do anything for her. You lied to my mom for me and you’ve been there for me when I haven’t been able to give you anything in return. Nothing that happened with your family is your fault. You couldn’t have known what your dad would do and telling your mom probably wouldn’t have stopped him. I guess”—I shrug—“that’s what I can do for you. What I want for you, Maddox. For you to know that you’re probably the best person I know. None of what happened was your fault. Your dad is responsible for his actions, and your mom is responsible for her reactions. It’s not a child’s job to police their parents.”

And even though everything I said is true, I still avoid telling him about me and it feels wrong. Maddox drops his hand from my face and I know he knows it too. He thinks he’s a coward, but it’s me. I’ve let him down the way I let my real family down as well.

He steps away. “If that’s all you have for me, it’s not enough.”

My legs go weak but I manage to keep myself standing. That’s what I do. I’m strong. I push through. I lived through losing my parents the first time and then losing Rex and Melody. This is something else I will make it through. It’s not like we didn’t know it would end anyway. It’s gone on too long as is.

My hand longs to reach up and grab my chest like that will somehow ease the pain there.

Oh, God. I love him. I really think I love him.

“Okay… We’ll finish with things you have going on here. I’m sure you and Laney will need help with arrangements for your mom and I want to be here for you. I—”

“What’s the point, Bee? It’s not going to change anything. You didn’t want ties anyway, so I’m not going to force them on you. You might as well leave now.”

Breath catches in my throat. I might not have wanted ties but they’re there now… only he wants to cut them.

“That’s what you want?” Say no. I’m sorry. I’ll be what you need me to be—no! I am who I am, and I won’t change that for anyone.

“It’s what’s going to happen.” Without another word, Maddox turns and walks from the room. After letting myself take three deep breaths, I grab my things before I leave.

It feels like it takes years to get to my car. I turn it on, letting the engine run as though sitting here will make a difference. It doesn’t.

I can do this. I’ve done it before. I’ve lost before. The whole time I’ve pla

Car in reverse. Back up.

In drive. Go forward.

For a good fifteen minutes I drive. Keep going until I feel like I’m going to burst out of my skin. Until a scream climbs up my throat and I’m scared I won’t be able to hold it in. I jerk the car to the right and pull over. The second it stops, aching cries rip from my mouth. My face is wet and my shoulders shake as I cry. When was the last time I cried? When I was taken and thought I lost my family? When I had to understand why I had new parents and couldn’t tell anyone that I used to have different ones? When Rex and Melody made me cry because they wanted me too much—because they wanted a child to love?

Or was it when I went home? When I laid in bed at night trying to figure out how to be Leila for these perfect parents who loved me so much. For a sister who missed me? When I had to force myself how to forget about Coral, when both Coral and Leila were suddenly strangers?

Who am I?

Because Bee isn’t enough. Not for Maddox at least and even though I want to feel okay with that, I can’t. Because I love him. That strange fucking word that people put so much stock into that causes nothing but pain.

All I know is I’m tired of hurting, tired of losing. Tired of ru

My eyes hurt from crying so much but it’s nothing compared to the emptiness in my chest. That space I never wanted to fill and then Maddox snuck inside, took it over, and now he’s gone.

Because I couldn’t say good-bye to my past. I couldn’t for my parents, and now I can’t for him either.

No matter what, my past continues to haunt me.

Shaking my head, I hope to evict the thoughts there. After wiping my face on the sweatshirt in the passenger seat of my car, I start it again and drive away.

Chapter Twenty-Eight ~Maddox~

I’m up before the sun, which would piss me off if my head weren’t full of so much other shit. Mom, Laney, Bee. They’re all pulling me in different directions, three voices yelling for attention in my brain, making me get why people like Adrian turned to shit like weed when things go bad. Not that I would because that’s not me. I hate that shit but right about now, I would give almost anything to forget.