Masquerade

His hands fist in my sweatshirt, gripping me tightly to him. It feels as though he’d climb inside me if he could and I let myself revel in that.

“Thank you.” Maddox’s voice is low in my ear.

“No problem. Whatever you need. I’m… I’m here. If you want to talk or anything.”

At that he pulls away. “I’m fine. I…” He slides his hand around to the back of my neck. “I’m glad you’re here.”

My heart free-falls over the edge of a cliff. When I open my mouth to reply, no words come out. Maddox leans forward and kisses my forehead again. It’s the second time he’s done it and I feel it all the way to my toes. Instead of finding words, I grab his hand. It’s the best way I can think of to tell him I’m here for him. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be enough.

Chapter Twenty-Six ~Maddox~

Peaceful. That’s the first word that comes to mind as I look at Mom’s cold, empty body. For the first time in years, she looks peaceful. As fucked up as it sounds, I almost envy her for that. I hate what she did, hate it so fucking much that there’s this crippling ache in my chest. I hate how she treated Laney. Hate that she still loved my bastard dad. That she loved me, but there’s a part of me that is glad she found peace.

When my hand twitches with the urge to reach out and touch her, I squeeze Bee’s hand tighter, so fucking glad that she’s here. I need her at my side.

“Yeah… yeah, it’s her.”

The gray-haired man standing across from us nods. “I’ll give you a few minutes alone with her.”

Fuck that. I don’t want it, plays through my head, but the words don’t come out. He walks away, followed by the quiet click of a door closing behind him. There’s a sting in my eyes that I ignore. I haven’t cried since I was a kid and I don’t plan to start now. I hate myself for wanting to cry over her after the way she treated Laney. Still… when I look at her, I see my mom. The woman who used to play with us and laugh with us until my father betrayed her. Until I helped him do it.

I tense when Bee’s arm goes around me and she leans into my side. “I’m sorry, Scratch. So damn sorry.”

My lips don’t move but the urge to smile slips through me. Hearing her call me Scratch somehow helps. It feels normal when everything else is so fucked up.

“Me too.” That sting starts again, making me back up. Bee is right beside me as I turn to go from the room.

“You can stay. I can go out if you want to say good-bye.”

Good-bye… How do I say it to someone I both hate and love? To someone who hurt me and hurt people I care about but only because I’m the one who let her get hurt?

“I’m good.”

This is where my sister would try to get me to talk. Where she’d tell me it’s wrong and I should grieve and talk to her or whatever the hell else she thinks is important. Bee doesn’t say any of that, even though the words play in her eyes. She knows me and in this moment, that’s more important to me than anything ever has been.

We step out of the room and turn the corner, down the hall and then outside. The second we step out, I can’t stop myself from kissing her. From trying to tell her thanks in a way that is comfortable for both of us. She opens right up for me, letting my tongue stroke hers. It’s comforting and I don’t remember anyone ever making me feel like this. Fuck, I don’t remember wanting anyone to but then I think about the fact that my mom is dead inside that building. That she wrapped a rope around her neck and hung herself in her apartment and I’m standing out here being as selfish as I was when I kept Dad’s secret.

Pulling away from Bee, I say, “We should go.” The sun peeks through the clouds and sparkles off the piercing in her nose, reminding me of the ink I put in her back. I’m a part of her and fuck if I don’t like that.

It doesn’t take us long to get to the hotel where my sister got a room. Bee and I get our own before I text Laney to find out where she is. She sends a room number back to me, and even though I wish like hell I could turn around and walk right out of here, I head toward my sister. She needs me and I’ll be damned if I let her down again.

Adrian opens the room when we get there. There are two beds, Laney sitting on one and Colt and Cheye

“What’s up, man?” Colt nods at me. Adrian doesn’t say anything, just moves back to sit by my sister.

“I went to the morgue. Everything down there’s done. You don’t have to worry about it.” Except for paying for the services. He’d made sure to talk to me about that first thing.

“What?” Laney pushes to her feet and walks toward me. “You went there without me?” Her eyes are red and I wonder if she’s stopped crying since she found out.

“You shouldn’t have to do it.”

The look in her eyes changes to an anger she’s directed at me only one other time. “Fuck you, Maddox! Fuck what you think I should have to do!” she yells.

Adrian’s to his feet and by her side as Bee steps toward her. “He did something really fucking hard so you didn’t have to.”

Laney’s eyes dart to Bee as though she’s shocked she stood up for me, but I’m not. She would do it for anyone. That’s just her.

“Don’t.” My eyes don’t leave Laney as I talk to Bee. “If she has something to say, let her.”

Her voice is softer but still hurt when she says, “You should have told me you were going, Maddy! We should have done it together! I need the closure as much as you do! No matter what, I loved her and I’m tired of you treating me like I’m so breakable. I should have had the choice.”

Adrian’s grabbing for her, but Laney pulls free.

“You didn’t fucking need to be there! Look at you. You haven’t stopped crying and you want to go in there and see her dead?” The second the words are out, guilt slams into me.

“Don’t give her shit for feeling something because you don’t.” Adrian pulls Laney closer to him as though I’m going to hurt her. It’s a stab through my chest.

“Dude,” Bee says to him. “You need to stop—”

“Nah.” I step closer to Adrian, cutting Bee off. “Keep going, man. Say what you want to say.” Adrian moves closer, too.

Colt gets off the bed and then Cheye

Don’t give her shit for feeling something because you don’t…

My anger at him, at fucking everything tries to block out those words but it doesn’t work. That’s me, right? The cold bastard who doesn’t feel anything. Just like our dad.

“It’s not the fucking time for this shit. Your mom fucking died,” Colt says to me, then looks at Adrian. “Your girl’s mom is fucking dead. All of you need to grow the hell up.” There’s a depth to his voice that I don’t understand. Pain laces his words.

Laney doesn’t stop, though. She grabs my arm with both gentleness and anger, not letting go when I jerk away. “You need to stop doing this. Adrian is wrong—I know you feel something, but you need to stop trying to protect me. I love you and I know you love me but I can’t deal with being babied. We’ve been through this, Maddy. She was my mom; you’re my brother. I should have been there with you! When are you going to see that? We’re all each other has left now, but all you do is push me away.”

Her voice cracks, splintering me apart. Because she’s right. And because I know that I’m not a good brother. I’m not as fucking good as she is. “You heard your man, it’s because I don’t feel anything. You want to see her, go fucking see her. I’m done.”