Masquerade

There are all sorts of reasons I should tell her no. I know Laney is going to want to go back home. There has to be shit to take care of and it’s not like I’ll let her do it alone. Bee shouldn’t have to close Masquerade. This isn’t her business and she doesn’t want ties, but fuck if none of that matters right now, because I need her. I want her, and minutes ago I tried to tell her that I wanted to be with her and didn’t know how. This time, my mouth won’t stay closed.

“Yes,” is all I say and then I pull her to me. She wraps her arms around me and for a minute, I pretend that we’re normal. That we’re like everyone else and we’re not playing this game where we pretend there’s nothing between us when there obviously is. When I want there to be.

“Let me get dressed real quick, okay?” She steps away before getting her clothes. I watch her and wish we could go back to the part where she was taking the clothes off instead of putting them on. I wish this night—no, our fucking lives—wasn’t so screwed up.

Bee grabs a bag out of her closet and puts some other clothes inside. She leaves for the bathroom, probably to grab whatever else she needs, and all I can think is she knows—she knows that we’re probably going to leave town and be gone for days, but she’s still coming.

When she’s all packed, we head for the door. I stop when I get there and look at her. My mom is dead… Thoughts fight to push their way to the surface but I shove them down. I can’t think about this. I just need to push through. That’s what I do. Close the fucking doors inside me and push through. It’s worked for years.

“Thank you.” I push her hair behind her ear because even though I can’t deal with the rest of it right now, I need her to know how much this means to me. “Thank you for coming.”

She blinks, biting her lip when she looks up at me—unsure in a way she isn’t usually. “It’s nothing.”

But both of us know it’s everything.

* * *

I’m so fucking nervous as I walk toward Laney’s apartment. Christ, I don’t know how to do this. Don’t know how to really be there for her. I’ve done a shitty job of it for years. I can’t stand seeing her upset. It makes me feel helpless.

“Are you okay?” Bee asks as we stand in the hallway.

Honesty finds its way out of my mouth. “I don’t know how to do this. I’m not like her. She’s wide open with everything she feels and this is going to kill her. I don’t know how to be there for her.”

Bee takes my hand, then goes to let go as if she’s not sure she should do it. Before she can, I tighten my grip on her.

“Don’t try to be there for her. Grieve with her.”

How screwed up will it be if the truth comes out there. That I don’t feel anything other than anger. That I don’t need to grieve after how my mom had treated us. “I’m fine.”

Bee looks toward the ground. “I’m always fine too… I’ve been fine for years. But we never really are, are we?”

It’s like I feel the walls inside me break down. Feel her break them down and find her way inside, into this place that I didn’t think was there. “I don’t know.”

She looks up at me, really looks at me, and I feel her eyes like she can see deep inside, and wonder if anyone has ever seen me the way she is right now. “Bee…” I take a step forward, reach my hand out to cup her cheek, but the door opens behind us.

“Maddy. She’s gone. She’s really gone.”

I turn to catch my sister as she wraps her arms around me. She cries enough for the both of us, her tears wetting my shirt. None fall from my eyes, though. I only hold her, be there for her, and wonder what it would be like to ever let go like this. Wonder what it would be like, to free myself from the past and help Bee through hers too.

Chapter Twenty-Five ~Bee~

Maddox is quiet the whole way to Stanley. It’s a few hours away, and the entire time I keep telling myself I should speak. That I should tell him it’s okay or ask him if he needs to talk but fear lodges the words in my windpipe. Even though I hate it, I can’t stop myself from wondering if I should be here right now. If it’s my place to tell him these things when he didn’t even want to hear it from his sister.

So instead I sit back and let him drive my car. Laney’s in the car in front of us with Adrian, Colt, and Cheye

His mom is dead and I know it hurts him. It has to, no matter what his family situation has been.

When we pull off the freeway, I watch as the other car goes left, and then Maddox turns right.

“We’re not going to the hotel?” They’d decided to meet there, no one wanting to go to his mom’s apartment.

“No. I called when we made a stop. I need to go to the morgue to ID her. I don’t want Laney to have to see that shit.”

I never thought I would be the type of girl who would say a guy made her melt. Maybe this isn’t the right time and the circumstances are all screwed up, but the way he loves his sister makes me do just that. My hand reaches for the door handle because I need something to do with it. He loves her with the kind of strength that makes people do crazy things.

“Maddox.”

His cell rings before I can say anything else. I’m surprised when he answers it but not shocked when he says, “I need a few minutes to process this. I’ll meet you at the hotel. Don’t leave without me.” Maddox tosses the cell down.

“You shouldn’t do this alone,” I tell him.

“And she shouldn’t have to.”

“What about you?”

At that Maddox glances at me. “It was her fucking birthday yesterday, Bee. My mom hung herself on Laney’s birthday after making her life shitty for years. Laney never deserved any of it. She never could have stopped all of the stuff that happened.”

Crossing my arms, I turn in the seat, fighting the urge to reach for him, to touch him, to soothe him. “You don’t deserve it either and you also couldn’t have stopped it.”

His jaw tightens and he doesn’t turn to look at me, doesn’t even reply.

My heart hurts because he’s shutting me out when he usually lets me in. Looking at him, I realize that’s what I want. He’s trusted me, and he let me come here with him. It’s scary—that part of me that wants him to continue to let me in. For it to go farther so I know even more about him. The fact that we’re here together speaks volumes for what we have become.

When we pull into a parking spot at the morgue, I push the door open and step out. I don’t make it more than a couple steps when Maddox’s hand grabs on to me. There’s not a bone in my body that even slightly tries to pull away from him. In fact, I squeeze him tighter.

“I’m not trying to be a dick. I…”

Maddox’s jaw is still tight—that angry look that makes people want to back up—but his eyes are telling a different story. It’s those that make me pull out of his grasp and wrap my arms around his neck. “You’re not being a jerk and if you were, you’d have the right. You’re taking care of your family. You’re doing something I never could.”