Left Drowning

Just as I’m getting flooded with loneliness, the door flies open and Estelle, Eric, and Zach barrel in.

“You’re here!” Estelle says happily. “I was afraid Sabin had you off partying your last night away.”

“Nope. Low-key tonight. I don’t need a hangover for the flight.”

“You ready?” Eric asks.

I shake my head. “No. I don’t know … Maybe. ”

We are all looking at one another, knowing this will be the last time we’ll be together like this. Yes, we’ll see one another again, but it won’t be the same. Things are going to change. They already have. I hate good-byes; I really do. I’ve never had to deal with them in this way, and there are no right words that I can think of to tell them how much they mean to me.

“Let’s not draw this out,” I finally say. “This is going to suck, so let’s get it over with.”

“Short and sweet?” Zach offers.

“Yes,” I say. “Make it quick.”

Zach steps in and hugs me. “I know how much you’re hurting. You’re tough, though, and it’s going to be all right.” He kisses me on the cheek and then goes to leave. “I’ll be outside.”

“Bye, Zach.” I wave. I won’t allow more tears.

Estelle reaches into her giant purse that is barely containing the mess of stuff she is carrying around. She hands me a wrapped present. “This is from us. All of us.”

“Oh, you guys didn’t have to get me anything.”

“You just graduated from college. Of course we did. This is a big day, and we’re proud of you.” Eric sighs. “We love you so much.”

I unwrap the box and have to bite my cheek so that I don’t burst into tears.

“This … this was our mother’s,” Eric says shakily. “She wore this necklace all the time. She had a letter charm for each of our names. C, S, E, and E. And we got you a B. You’re one of us. No matter what.”

Estelle groans. “He means no matter what kind of stupid asshole Chris is.”

“Estelle!” Eric snaps.

“It’s true and you know it. Someone has to say it out loud. Blythe, we think he’s making a huge fucking mistake.” She takes the silver necklace with the small charms from my hand and turns me around. “It should be you. We won’t say that to him, and we will be as decent as possible about it, but none of us are the least bit happy.”

I lift my hair while she does the clasp. Although I don’t want any of them thinking badly of Chris or disapproving of his choices, I can’t help but feel flattered. She turns me around again. “There. It looks perfect on you.” She looks at my expression and clamps a hand over my mouth. “Stop it. Don’t say thank you to us. This is us thanking you. I’m going to take my hand away, and you’re not going to say it, agreed?”

I nod and she drops her hand.

Eric clears his throat. “I’m … I’m go

so …”

“I understand,” I say.

Another good-bye. Another hug. “Love you.”

“Love you, too,” I tell him.

He holds me for a long time and then leaves before either of us loses it. He doesn’t have to say anything else to me.

Estelle is next. My roommate and my tough-as-shit friend.

She takes a deep breath. “Okay. I’m going out for the night, as I’m sure you guessed.”

I smile.

“I know that you know. So thank you for not blabbing to my brothers. They’d freak. I appreciate your discretion.”

“You’d do the same for me.”

“Blythe, listen. This mess with Chris? It sucks. It really sucks.” She reaches out and touches my necklace for a moment. “Our mother would have loved you. I don’t even remember that much about her. Just bits and pieces, but I remember how it felt to be around her, you know? And I’m sure that she would be goddamn ape-shit crazy for you. Just like we all are.”

I can’t talk, so Estelle continues.

“All of us, Blythe. I hate everybody, and even I’m fucking nuts about you. You’re a cool shit. Chris is so out of his mind that he can’t see what’s right in front of him. He’s going to regret this. He’s going to fucking regret it because you’re going to go off and find someone else, someone smarter than Chris. And I’ll try to be happy for you when you do, even though I don’t want you with anyone else besides my stupid, blind, stubborn brother.”

“Oh, Estelle …” I know what she’s trying to do, but I don’t have that kind of hope right now. “There won’t be anyone else.”

“Don’t say that, Blythe. Don’t sit around waiting for him. That’s not fair to you.”

I know she’s right, but it’s too soon for me to even consider love after Chris. I’m still in too deep.

“I’m not a hugger, but I’m going to hug you anyway.” She smiles at me, but she looks like she’s fighting as hard as I am not to cry.

“Okay, I’m ready. Bring it.” I force a smile back and hold out my arms.

She squeezes me hard. “I’m going to miss the fucking fuck out of you.”

I laugh. “And I’m going to miss the fucking fuck out of you, too.”

“And I’ll video chat the holy shit out of you all the time.”

“And I’ll love it. Just no vibrators on-screen, okay?”

“God, you really are a bitch after all.” She gives me one last squeeze and blows me a kiss as she leaves.

For one brief moment, she drops the hard edge. It’s not what she says, but the tone in her voice and softness in her face. She looks like a little kid, and that hurts to all hell. “I know that I’ll never have another mom, and I know that you’re way too young for me to look at that way, but …” She taps her stiletto heel. “There’s something about you. I will never for a second forget that I had the best fucking roommate anyone could ever ask for.”

***

At one fifteen in the morning, he shows up at my door. I know it’s him just by the rhythm of his knock. I’m too tired to care that I’m in a ragged shirt and underwear, and I stumble through the dark.

I open the door and step aside, but Chris stays where he is, hands in his pockets and his eyes to the ground. He’s not here for a good reason, that much I can feel.

“Are you looking for Estelle? She’s not here.”

He just shakes his head.

“Chris?” Something is wrong. Any animosity I have dissipates immediately. I take him by the arm and lead him through the dark. “What is it?”

He sits next to me on the bed, silent. I give him time because I can tell this is hard for him. Chris doesn’t seem like himself, and he’s worrying me. I take his hand. “Tell me.”

“My father had a heart attack. It was bad.”

“Oh God, Chris.”

He lies down as though he doesn’t have the strength to sit any longer, and I move with him, keeping his hand in mine. He immediately rolls into me, silently asking me to hold him. And I do.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

“No.” He whispers and presses his cheek into my chest. “I’m not okay because he’s not dead.”

It takes me a second to understand what he has just said to me. The tragedy of it. I have no idea how to respond to this.

“Why didn’t he die? Why didn’t he die?” Chris grabs on to my arms so that I hold him closer. “Why wasn’t I strong enough?”

I stroke his hair. “Strong enough for what?”

“Why wasn’t I strong enough to kill him myself?”

“Oh, Chris …” What in God’s name has Chris suffered through? I can feel him crying in my arms. How in the hell can I protect him from this? There is no way.

“I wasn’t strong enough to kill him, and I’m not strong enough to be with you.”

I shut my eyes, and for the next hour I keep him in whatever safety my embrace can provide.

We don’t move; we don’t talk.

We just cry. And breathe.

Later he pulls away slightly and looks at me through the dark. “I’m sorry about last night.”

“Don’t be.” I stroke my thumbs under his eyes and wipe away tears. “I said a lot of things that I shouldn’t have.”

“I’m not strong enough to be with you. I love you, sweet girl. Of course I love you. But I still can’t do this. You were right. What you said about me.”