Left Drowning

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to.

I’m right. He fell for me as I fell for him. It’s a fucking hollow victory if ever there was one.

“But I can’t hate you, because you saved me. Without you, I’d still be a walking zombie. Being with you let me …” I look around the room trying to figure out a way to say what I want. Wading through words in my emotional state is nearly impossible. I have next to no idea if I’m making any sense, if I’m reaching him in any capacity, but I need to empty myself of this so that I can go on. “Being with you let me feel, feel everything, and I needed that. I remembered better with you, I healed better with you, and you made … you made everything real.”

I stop. Now I really understand.

“And that’s why you can’t ever be with me, isn’t it? I make everything too real for you. She doesn’t do that. She lets you push away what you want to forget. She makes it safe in the way that you need it to be. You clearly need to trick yourself into … I don’t know …” I am trying so hard not to go to pieces, but it’s a losing battle. “You need to feel normal, whatever that means. Lying to yourself? It’s like what James did. It will catch up with you. It will. I wish I could hate you because that would be easier. But I can’t. I understand that you have to do whatever you can to get through … through whatever happened. Even though I don’t know exactly what that is.”

He cuts me off. “That doesn’t matter. That part of my life is over. I will not look back.” Although his voice is firm, he is infuriatingly as calm as ever, while I am anything but.

“See? That’s exactly what I mean. You feel with me, the same way that I do with you. I don’t know why that is, but it’s true. From the moment I saw you by the lake, you did something to me. You … moved me. And when you put your hands on me that day, you infiltrated every part of who I am, and we belonged to each other. Whether you want that or not. And when we were … when you and I were in bed, Chris … that last night … I could feel you, everything about you. That’s what you don’t want. I get how it feels when it’s too much. I couldn’t handle it then either, but I was willing to wait. We shouldn’t have slept together. It was the worst thing we could have done. That’s my fault, though. I take that responsibility.”

Now he is upset. Now his eyes are red. But he doesn’t break down the way I have because his protective walls are thick. “Don’t you dare say we shouldn’t have slept together, Blythe. Don’t you dare.”

I ignore him. “But if attaching yourself to her is what you need—if she’s what you need—to be okay, then I would never try to take that from you.”

He speaks softly, and each word stings to all hell. “She is what I need. We’re compatible, and it’s good for me. It’s what I can handle.”

“Compatible? Is that all you’re looking for in life? You don’t sound even like you’re following your heart.”

“Not every choice has to be governed by emotion.”

I wipe my eyes. Chris takes a step toward me, but I put out my hands and stop him.

“No, don’t touch me. I can’t take it. Please. I just can’t. I’m not going to see you again, I know that, but I can’t say good-bye to you. How can I?” I am so consumed with sadness, I can barely see. “How can I possibly say good-bye to the person I am so hopelessly, deeply, and permanently in love with? Because I love you, Chris. I do. I will always be in love with you, even though you’ll never love me back. You have been my sanctuary this year. You saved me. Do you know that? You saved me. And I wish that you would let me save you.” I don’t want him to have the chance to say anything else. I can’t bear any more of this. I walk to the door. “I really thought good things were coming for us, Chris. I believed. The irony here is that when you saved me, you made me strong enough so that I won’t go back to the dark world I used to live in. Even though you just ripped out my heart. Chris. Oh God, Chris.”

Despite whatever else has happened in my life, I have never felt this type of loss.

I look at him for what feels like the last time. “You are the great love of my life that I’m never going to have.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR Strong Enough

Even after what happened with Chris last night, I am still looking forward to the graduation ceremony. This is a hard day for so many reasons, but it is also a glorious one. I have started to rebuild my life. I have A

The Chris situation is entirely different, and it will make staying in touch with the others harder. I wish I could keep them separate from him in my thoughts, but it’s impossible. I’ll just have to do my best.

During the ceremony, my eyes feel heavy. Sleep was more than elusive last night, and I am exhausted, but I make sure to pay attention to every detail so that I don’t forget anything. I listen to the speeches, to the music, and to the roar of the crowd. I talk to the graduates on either side of me, grateful that, thanks to alphabetical seating, Chris is nowhere in my sight. When it’s my turn to cross the stage and take my diploma, I can hear my friends screaming and cheering for me. I turn and see Sabin standing on a chair and waving like crazy. As I’m walking down the aisle to return to my seat, a hand reaches out and touches my robe. My academic adviser, Tracey.

Impulsively, I throw my arms around her. “I did it.”

“Yes, you did. I’ve been watching you. Three-point-eight GPA this semester? Not shabby at all. You look wonderful. Good for you, sweetheart. Now, go. Enjoy your day.” She smiles broadly and pushes me back into the crowd.

I watch Christopher graduate, realizing this is it. Our time is up. We won’t have a good-bye because that would be intolerable.

I watch in awe when the air above me fills with graduation caps, representations of our collective accomplishment that soar over us. It might have happened late in the game, but I have to admit, it’s great feeling part of something larger. Being able to fit into a world outside of myself is more rewarding than I could have dreamed. While I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life exactly, where I might be in five or ten years, I am better positioned to figure that out than I was at the start of senior year. The depression that swallowed me back then is nearly incomprehensible now. I won’t go back there no matter what. My life has taken a drastic turn in the right direction.

The downfall of shaking depression, though, is that I can feel the letdowns harder.

Later that evening, I have di

Returning to my dorm room for the evening is brutal. Nearly everything of mine is gone from the room except for my suitcases and futon. Chris is going to help Estelle move my bed into storage after I’m gone tomorrow morning, and she’ll have it for the fall semester of her junior year. Sabin has his license back, and he’s going to drive me to the airport, where I’ll meet A