Left Drowning

“It’s okay. I understand.”

Chris moves and leans his chest over mine. It’s hard not to cry when he kisses me, because we are kissing for the last time. So I drown in him, wanting to commit his taste and his feel to memory so that I will always have that. His tongue moves slowly, his lips delicately covering mine as we take in every detail of each other. Our hands stay clasped together, never parting.

He only says one thing to me as we kiss our way through the night. “You said something last night that was completely wrong. I could never touch anyone the way that I touch you. And I will never regret falling in love with you. Don’t forget that.”

And this is how we say good-bye.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE Begin Again

Estelle makes good on her promise to video chat the shit out of me, and Sabin calls even more often. It’s a good thing because it’s been a long, quiet year since I left Matthews, one in which I’ve somehow managed to play successfully at being a grown-up. In the fall, I got a job at the same magazine where I did my summer internship. I live in my parents’ house and keep up the yard and the bills. I haven’t become an incredibly fast ru

It’s May now and unseasonably warm, and when Jonah and I come in from our Saturday-afternoon run, we’re both thirsty as hell. As I’m downing my water, the phone rings. It’s my old pal Nichole, who has turned out to be a great friend since I arrived back in Boston. Although she never stops trying to get me to go out and meet guys.

“You sure you don’t want to come out with us tonight after di

I half smile at her persistence. “You’re sweet, but you know how I am.”

My friend sighs. “Oh, Blythe.”

“What?”

“You still miss him.”

“Nichole, we’ve been over this.”

“Honey.” She sounds like a seasoned advice-giving pro. “He’s getting married in a few weeks.”

I touch my fingertips to the necklace with all of our initials and sit down at the dining-room table, holding the phone. “I know.”

“You’re still not showing up?”

“I wasn’t invited. It’s a family-only ceremony. Somewhere in Newburyport, I hear.”

“I know you weren’t invited, but you could still show up.” She claps her hands. “To break up the wedding!”

“Absolutely not,” I say again.

“Newburyport is only an hour away. A nice drive north …”

Her sing-song voice is not swaying me in the least. “No. I’m not going for any reason.”

“Why the hell is he getting married in your territory? There should be some kind of rule about him not crossing into Massachusetts.”

“I guess the girl he’s marrying used to spend family vacations in northeast Massachusetts and loves the coast or whatever.”

“I think it’s shitty.”

“Join the club. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. James is coming home soon, and he and I are leaving for Maine the day before the wedding. Being in another state seems like a good idea.”

“So you’re not even going to see the rest of his siblings? I know how much you miss those guys.”

Now it’s my turn to sigh because I do miss them. Terribly. Sabin came to visit me twice this year. I celebrated my twenty-third birthday with his bear hugs and one too many cocktails. We manage to have a friendship that allows us not to talk about Chris, for which I am grateful. Our relationship can survive on its own. I’ve always known that intellectually, but it’s been good to see it in practice. This is true with Eric and Estelle, also, and I owe Estelle a video call tonight, actually.

“No, I won’t see them this trip. I don’t really want to be around them right after the wedding. It’d be too weird. Trying not to talk about everything.”

“So you know where and when the ceremony is?”

“Yeah, Sabin let it slip. He’s driving me crazy. I wanted to know as little as possible, but he’s been trying to bait me the way you are. So stop saying words like ceremony and wedding.”

“Chris wants you to stop the wedding, Blythe. He’s making sure you know about it.”

“No. He got engaged, he’s been with her all year, he could’ve ended things anytime he wanted to. He has to make his own decisions. This is not going to play out with me busting up the wedding, and Chris and I getting a happily-ever-after.”

“Maybe when the wedding is over … Maybe that will help you move on.”

I nod. “Maybe. I don’t know. Nichole, I know you think that I’m crazy. I might be. I should be over him by now, but I’m not. It’s not a choice. I can’t help it. It’s not like I’m pining away or crying all the time. I’m not waiting for him.”

“I know you’re not. But I wish you’d dated someone else this year. Anyone else! But I get it. I think I’m jealous of that kind of love. It’s what people dream about.”

I groan. “Yes, it’s incredibly fulfilling.”

She snorts. “That’s not what I mean. The ability to feel so deeply for someone. That says something about you.”

“Yes, that I’m a moron.”

“Noooooo. It says that you listen to your heart.”

“My heart is a stupid asshole.” Nichole laughs and then says she has to get off the phone to meet her friends for cocktails. I really am happy to stay at home instead.

I have plenty to think about and plan for with James coming home so soon. He and I are debating whether or not to sell the Massachusetts house. It’s too big for me to live in alone all year, but we are both attached to it, of course.

One decision we have made is to go up to the house that my parents bought in Bar Harbor, Maine. The house we have not been to since they purchased it almost five years ago. In lieu of James getting a job this summer, I’ve agreed to let him head up the repair work that invariably will need to be done on the house. The construction job he found last summer seemed to inspire him, and he’s been studying architecture at school. He seems truly excited to fix up the place. As for me, I think three months by the ocean with my brother is going to be good. For some people, the plan might seem like a strange choice for a girl in her early twenties, but I don’t seem to want what most people my age do.

Anyway, there’s plenty to do in Bar Harbor. It’s an idyllic small town on Mt. Desert Island, which is technically not an actual island since it’s co

After I take a long, hot shower, I have a glass of wine. By the time I get around to video-calling Estelle, I’m well into my second glass, which at this point is a lot for me.

I curl up on the couch with my glass and laugh when Estelle answers my call with a jovial “Blythe! Blythe! Blythe!” and an excessively wiggly dance that she performs in her dorm room. She was smart enough to snag herself a single this year. I’m not sure anyone else could put up with her the way I did. Or love her as I did and still do.

“How are you, crazy?” I raise my glass to her. “Happy Saturday!”

“And a happy Saturday to you! School is out in a few days. I ca

“Tell me everything.” I sit back and let her fill me in on how she is wrapping up the year. I know that she and the professor stopped seeing each other last fall, and she seems to have been bouncing from guy to guy since then. I have yet to hear about the same guy more than once, but I’m holding out hope. Eric and Zach are still together, and they’re pla