Ruin

I hadn’t been talking to myself. How was it my fault that they were too sleepy to notice the nurse walk in? The drugs weren’t making me nauseated like they usually did, that had to be a good sign, right?

“I’m go

“Good man.” I laughed.

Gabe left. I moved to press my call button just as Angela walked back in the room.

“Need help?”

“That I do.” I smiled. “I just need to get showered and I was wondering… would it be possible for me to wear something other than a hospital gown today? I mean, now that the drugs are in my system I’m just hanging out until surgery, right?”

“Of course.” Angela winked. “I think jeans and a white t-shirt are just what the doctor ordered.”

I exhaled in relief. “Thanks.”

“No problem! Now let’s get you ready for that future wife of yours.”

“Never going to live that down, am I?” I teased.

“I like it when people speak things into their lives. You want her to be your wife, it will happen. I know it may sound silly, but I admire your faith. Not just in yourself, but in other people. It’s commendable, and you need to know — faith doesn’t go u

I smiled, though I was a bit confused. Seriously, this nurse was deep. I’d spent a lot of time at hospitals and never met anyone so encouraging. She just made me feel good. Like the path I was taking was the right one. She didn’t give me sad eyes, the kind that doctors give you when they know they’re going to see you for the last time. Maybe that’s why I liked her. Her eyes held hope and amusement as if she knew some giant secret that I was about to find out.

****

We spent the day in bed. All four of us. It was comical to say the least. As promised, I was allowed to wear a t-shirt and jeans, which made it easier to hold Kiersten without mooning everyone else. She was sitting between my legs and leaning back against my chest. Every once in a while I’d feel her hand tap our cadence against my leg as if she was reminding me that we keep our own time. That time was ours.

Halfway through the last episode of Pinky and the Brain that we could find on YouTube, my dad waltzed in, a few people behind him.

What was he doing?

“Thought you kids would be hungry.” He gri

“Is that—” Gabe pointed at a giant Salmon fillet.

“Anthony’s catering.” Dad nodded proudly. “At your service.”

“Best. Food. Ever.” Gabe’s mouth dropped open again as he greedily watched the food.

The smell was heavenly. Damn. I owed my dad big for this.

Small plastic cups were handed to everyone, and my dad pulled out a bottle of chilled champagne. “Now, I’m not one for underage drinking.” And he really wasn’t. The one time he caught me partying I’d been grounded for two months. “But, I thought we’d do a toast to my son, Wes.”

Kiersten squeezed my leg.

Champagne was poured into every glass. I knew that I would only be able to eat and drink for another hour before I was told to cut it for my surgery, so I snatched the cup.

“May you have happy dreams and wake up refreshed and ready for surgery. To my son, my fighter, my hero.” Dad lifted the cup into the air.

“Cheers,” everyone said in unison. But I couldn’t find my voice. I stared hard at my dad. He was the brave one, not me. He’d watched his wife and son die and now his only living blood relative was going in for a life-altering surgery. Me? Brave? Nah, the ones that stay behind, the ones that fight alongside you, those are the brave ones. It’s easy to go into surgery, you fall asleep. My battle was almost over, I’d tell my body to fight, and then I’d let the doctors do their jobs.

But theirs? I looked around to the faces of my friends and family — their battle was just begi

“Thanks, Dad.” I lifted my glass to him and took a sip. “For everything.”

“Son, I am so damn proud of you.”

My dad had never said that to me before, let alone in front of a room full of people. He gave one final nod and walked out the door.

Gabe jumped to his feet and ran out of the room. I knew the guy was fighting his own demons, so I didn’t fault him that. He probably just needed a minute alone.

“Should we eat?” Lisa asked breaking the silence.

“I’m starved.” I got up from the bed and started making myself a plate. Gabe returned without saying anything about his quick exit.

The food was incredible. I ate until I couldn’t eat anymore.

It was nearing seven. I stopped eating, drank some water, and lay down on the bed, pulling Kiersten in to my body so we could spoon.

“Okay, Lisa.” Gabe grabbed her hand. “I think that’s our cue to exit.” He gri

“Are you scared?” Kiersten asked.

“Are you?”

“I asked you first.”

Laughing, I tucked her hair behind her ear and whispered, “I’ll just do it afraid.”

Chapter Forty-Four

For some reason I wasn’t scared… it was weird. An eerie peace descended over that room and I couldn’t explain it.

Kiersten

“I’m sorry.” Wes kissed my forehead.

I turned to face him. “For what?”

“I told you I’d help you with some of the list.” He laughed and shook his head. “Ways to live… Damn, I thought you knew my secret right then and there.”

I shrugged. “We all suffer deaths in our lives right? We all suffer with darkness… mine was just different than yours.”

“But not any less serious.” Wes touched my cheek. “At any rate, I’m sorry we didn’t finish everything.”

I pulled away. “Are you talking about the cranberry sauce? Because we had that at Thanksgiving.”

“No.” He bit down on his lips. “The other stuff.”

“Hmm…” I’d been keeping the list in my pocket since he’d been in the hospital. The paper was crumpled and had clearly seen better days. I carefully unfolded it and showed it to Wes. “The list is done.”

A line was drawn through every last thing except for what I knew Wes was talking about. “You have a pen?”

He gave me a confused look, then reached to his tray where he’d been playing tic-tac-toe with Gabe and handed me the pen.

Emotion clogged my throat as I carefully drew a line through Fall in love, then drew another line through Get heart broken. Wes inhaled sharply as my pen hovered over the last line. This time I circled it. Fall in love anyways.

A tear rolled down my cheek and landed on the piece of paper.

Wes pulled my face toward his, cupping my cheeks with his hands. “I love you, Kiersten.”

“I love you too,” I choked out. “So much it hurts. It actually hurts.”

He closed his eyes and touched his forehead to mine. “You’re going to marry me someday.”

“Oh, I am?” I said through my tears.

“Yup.” He smiled. “I’m going to get down on one knee and I’m going to ask you to marry me. I’m not a very patient guy, so I’ll let you do two years of school before I pop the question, no more than two years.”

“What if I don’t want two years?”

His eyes opened.

“What if I want now?”

Wes chuckled lightly. “And have your Uncle Jobob hunt me down? I’d rather not…”

“Fine, one year.” My eyes narrowed in a silent challenge.

“One year from this day…” Wes whispered.

I nodded.

“And you’ll be saying I do.”

“And we’ll keep our own time.” I closed my eyes and memorized the feel of his face in my hands. “And we’ll have three kids.”