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EORCE CARLIN THE DODGERS EAT SHIT fhat year in world history do you suppose the first person with really clean ingernails appeared? /hat exactly is “midair”? Is there some other part of air besides the “mid” part? Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming. he sound of one hand clapping is the same as the sound of a tree falling in he forest when no one is there to hear it. What clinic did Betty Ford go to? ouldn’t it be weird if the only way people could die was that their heads suddenly exploded without warning? If there was simply no other cause of death? One day you’d be sitting there having a hot chocolate, and suddenly your head would explode. You know something? I’ll bet people would get used to it. You know what they don’t haue? Cake-f louored pie. ‘d like to live in a country where the official motto was, “You never know.” t would help me relax.

can’t wait until we get a really evil president. Not devious and cu

brain droppings I) anks tell you to maintain a “minimum balance.” I first learned about minimum balance from my uncle. He would come over to our house, drink a quart of wine, and try to stand up. That was minimum balance. ANOTHER [REl FOR PEACE [very now and then, on a certain days, in the late afternoon the air takes on a weird kind of purply, rose-colored light. What is that? The neutron bomb is very Republican; it leaves property alone and concentrates on destroying large numbers of people indiscriminately. I) eing a comedian, I would love to see a production of Hamlet that included a drummer, so they could use rim shots to highlight the really good lines. “To be or not to be. That is the question.” Ba-dum-bum! I have no problem with the cigar smoking trend. If some guy wants to put a big, steaming turd in his mouth and suck on it, who am I to complain? Why are we so surprised when terrorists manage to get a bomb on an airplane? Drug traffickers get things on airplanes all the time. When you reach a certain age there comes a time when everyone you know is sick. ow can people take the Olympics seriously? Judges vote politically, athletes cheat on drugs, xenophobes run wild, and the whole thing is one big greed-driven logo competition. Somehow, it’s hard to picture butterflies fucking.

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C A R L I N

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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at a picture of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players. A deaf-mute carrying two large suitcases has rendered himself speechless. ? I t’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater. Whenever I see a picture of the General Assembly of the United Nations, I wonder how many of the delegates are whacked on drugs. UI ith all the cars, buses, trucks, airplanes, electric motors, gasoline engines, diesel engines, compressors, turbines, drills, fans, pumps, and generators ru

A pager is an electronic leash, the better for your controllers to control you. One more sign that your life belongs to someone else. forty-five million people go to national parks each year. To get away from the other twojjundred million. ‘,’ Aliuays do LUhateuer’s next. That invisible hand of Adam Smith’s seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people. If you want to know how fucked up the people in this country are, just look at television. Not the programs, not the news. The commercials. Just watch only the commercials for about a week, and you’ll see how fucked up the people in this country really are. heater and sports are similar, with minor differences: In theater, after rehearsing, the actors leave dressing rooms in costume to perform shows on stages in front of audiences. In sports, after practicing, the athletes leave locker rooms in uniform to play games on fields in front of spectators. And although it’s true that both fields have agents, only the theater has makeup. Sooner or later, your parents die. Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you I care if a man you’re pla

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CARL

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ife has changed. The stores around the corner from my house used to be a grocer, butcher, laundry, tailor, barber shop, shoe repair, dry cleaner, and a beauty salon. Now it’s a wig parlor, karate school, off-track betting, a software store, sushi, yogurt, video rentals, an adult bookstore, a T-shirt shop, a copying and printing center, a storefront law office, and a clothing store for fat women. Sometimes, a city describes itself as a “Metroplex.” This is one of those bullshit word formations whereby a community tries to sound forward and progressive, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. After every horror, we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There is no healing, just a short pause before the next horror. I think once people reach the age of forty they should be barred from using the words girlfriend or boyfriend in reference to someone they’re fucking. It’s creepy. Attention, all camouflaged males: In the American Revolution, the militias broke and ran from battle. They ran home. Only the regular army stood fast.

RUES 10 UVE BT

Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules. Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidelines to pass along to your children. 1. Relax and take it easy. Don’t get caught up in hollow conceits such as “doing something with your life.” Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment. u . Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don’t ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced. u . Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to “know” people, you’re asking for trouble. 4 . Don’t fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind. U. Spend as much time as you can pleasing and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little. 0. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better.