Brain Droppings

long before man discouered fire, he had sand and ujater to put it out with. When you look at some of Picasso’s paintings, it makes you wonder what kind of women he visualized when he masturbated. n Cancer is caused by a f Ear of malignant tumors. onesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that, apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy. Second is not all that bad. You don’t meet many Japanese guys named BifF. We use the sun to make electricity, and then we use the electricity to operate sun lamps and ta

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I |yjew York State a fourteen-year-old can get married but he can’t drive, he is forced to go on his honeymoon on a bicycle or a skateboard. SURF’S DOWn FOREVER ?? here is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach I contracting skin cancer, in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory I appearance of good health while germ-laden medical waste washes %| up on the sand all around them. lhe New Testament is not new anymore; it’s thousands of years old. It’s time to start calling it The Less Old Testament. I saw a fast-food commercial where they were selling a sandwich made of pork fat dipped in butter and egg yolk, deep-fried in lard, wrapped in bacon, and topped with cheddar cheese. They call it “Plaque on a Bun.” Crooked judges Hue on fixed incomES. In the drugstore, how do you know if you’re buying a sundry, a notion, or an incidental? ;- “” r Mr has no suffix, but suffix has o prefix. I have no sympathy for single dads. They got into their marriages because they wanted steady pussy. Steady pussy leads to babies. After the novelty wears off, the marriage goes away. Single dads. Big fuckin’ deal.

I read that a Detroit man and his friend were arrested because they had forced the man’s five-year-old son to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, perform oral sex on them. Can you imagine? Cigarettes!

It s neither here nor there.” Well, folks, it’s gotta be somewhere. I certainly don’t have it. If Q really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

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ermany lost World War II because Hitler was completely distracted by ill-fitting clothing that he was constantly adjusting during the last two years of the war. The best exomple of a housekeeper is a diuorced woman. I read somewhere that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted. How can they know that? flRS. 000DWREIKH IS ALESDIAH low your nose” is an interesting phrase. Because you don’t really blow your nose, you blow out through your nose. If you blew your nose, I think they’d put you away. You might get someone else to blow your nose, but he would have to be a really close friend. Or completely drunk. Just when I began to find myself, depersonalization came in. I enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. Walking down the jetway to board my plane I’ll often turn to a stranger and say, “Boy, I sure hope we don’t crash into a cornfield today. If we do go down in flames, I hope we hit some houses. Or a school.” When are they go

I sn’t it interesting that only sex and excretion can be found legally obscene in this country? Not violence, not neglect, not abuse of humans. Only shitting and fucking; two of nature’s most necessary functions and irresistible forces. We’re always trying to control and thwart nature, even in our language. Fuck that shit! lou show me something that doesn’t cause cancer, and I’ll show you something that isn’t on the market yet. Urown-ups have great power. They can order candy on credit over the telephone and have it delivered. Wow. u lleart disease changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon just for the smell. It has become very easy to buy a gun. It used to be, “I have a gun, give some money.” Now it’s, “I have some money, give me a gun.” YOU ARE All DISEASED If you ever meet twins, talk to just one of them. It drives the other one crazy. me t o promote their hog-raising industry, each year the state of Iowa selects a young woman and names her Pork Queen. How would you like to tell the guys down at the gas station that your daughter is the Pork Queen? W hat exactly is “viewer discretion”? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. c Uomeday I wa

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A seven-day waiting period for purchasing a handgun is stupid. It just gives the buyer that much more time to think of people he’d like to kill. Now instead of a single murder, you’ve got a multiple homicide on your hands HOUE you cucr tome suddenly, intensely amore of your legs? OUR OHU HOPE IS IHSAHE LEADERSHIP Remember, inside euery siluer lining there’s u dork cloud. or the last twenty-five years I’ve done over one hundred shows a year, each one attended by about two thousand people. More than five million people in all. I often wonder if anyone was ever killed while driving to or from one of my shows. If so, I blame myself. Where is this guy Christo uihen I need something wrapped at Christmas? I’m not worried about guns in school. You know what I’m waitin’ for? Guns in church! That’s go

n a trial, if they break for lunch during someone’s testimony, they always remind him afterward that he’s still under oath. That means that all during lunch he was sworn to tell the truth. So, if someone asks him, “How’s the soup?” he better be goddamn sure he gives an honest answer. “How’s the soup?” “Objection! Calls for a conclusion!” Cue been working on accepting my i