Brain Droppings

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CEO RCE CARLIN ? ‘ve always wanted to place a personal ad no one would answer- “FIH depressed, accident-prone junkie, likes Canadian food and Welsh m ‘ seeking rich, well-built, oversexed, female deaf mute in her late t Must be nonsmoker.” I went to the Missing Persons’ Bureau, fio one LUGS there. Ueethoven was so hard of hearing he thought he was a painter. I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination. Ueow means “woof” in cat. Un Thanksgiving, you realize you’re living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves. A day off is always more uielcome uihen it is unexpected. Uome people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that shit. RIDE THf WHO PARAnEClUn H (low can everyone’s money be “hard-earned,” and everyone’s vacation be “well-deserved”? Sounds like bullshit to me. What exactly is “diddley squat”?

brain droppings u/ buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions, he fact that they tell time seems lost. I think you ought to be able to lease a dog. I don’t understand the particular importance of remembering where you ere when JFK was assassinated. I remember where I was a lot of times. What year did Jesus think it uias? There’s a new lottery game called Blotto. You get drunk and pick the numbers. Ill ith all this natural selection going on, why doesn’t the human race 111 get any smarter? Is this it? Why are there still so many stupid peo-U pie? Apparently, being a real dumb jackoff has some survival value. Why is there aliuays a small hole near the tip of a pen? I enjoy going to a party at one of the Ke

GEORGE CARL

brain droppings

III t hen primitive people practice the rain dance, does it rain at the end of practice? And if it doesn’t, how do they know they did the dance correctly? he original Shick Smoking Centers were very primitive. They gave you one lecture and then you came back a week later. If they smelled tobacco on your breath, they beat the shit out of you. If you HUE to be o hundred, your lucky number goes up by one. rDCK THE HIDDIE CLASS m edical Progress: The medical profession is only now begi

Jhey keep saying you can’t compare apples and oranges. I can. An apple is red and distinctly non-spherical; an orange is orange and nearly spherical. So, what’s the big problem? After 0 big flood, where do oil those rouiboots go? Ihe Chinese have a saying: On a journey of a thousand miles, 512 is a little more than half. licDonald’s “breakfast for under a dollar” actually costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery. I don’t like to lose my bearings, so I keep them in the cabinet near my bed. When Popeye blows through his pipe, why doesn’t he get sprayed with burning ash? George Washington’s brother was the Uncle of Our Country. If you fall asleep on the couch in a house where a woman is present, there will be a blanket or a coat covering you when you awaken. Politics is so corrupt euen the dishonest people get fucked. When blowing out your birthday candles, suppose you wish for one candle to stay lit? Is it possible for your wish to come true? nr FIRST nifiE DOGS ARE DEAD got a chest X-ray last month, and they found a spot on my lung. 1

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Fortunately it was barbecue sauce.

; E 0 R C E

CARL1N

brain droppings

IU hen a masochist brings someone home from the bar, does he say “Excuse me a moment, I’m going to slip into something uncomfortable?” This year is the two-millionth a

hat’s all this stuff about retirement I keep hearing on TV commercials? People pla

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C A R L I N

brain droppings

1 Jometimes when I watch a parade, I wonder how many of the marchers are n desperate need of a good long piss. So for, the Ku Klux Klon has not produced ony really great composers TmnK ciown voniT Tomorrow is uerg much like today, except It’s not here yet. I

admire a man who drives clear across town to a distant shopping center where no one knows him, and rides all afternoon on the children’s coin-operated “horsie.” [Dy fondest wish is that I learn to write a capital “X” in longhand without lifting the pen from the paper. Always be careful what you say. Nathan Hale said,”I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country.” They killed him. [he difference between the blues and the blahs is that you can’t sing the blahs. ? find the high five repulsive. It’s typical lame, suburban white-boy bullshit. Any “five” that takes place above the waist is lame white-boy bullshit. I sincerely hope these high fives are causing long-term arm and shoulder injuries. DOES ODD REALLY HAVE TO WATCH ALL THIS SHIT? Bus lag: a low-level disorientation caused by riding on a bus. Almost impossible to detect. ? ?;*. ; ‘