Brain Droppings

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C A R L I N GEORGE 7. Don’t buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has short-1 comings; it’s the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember,! the really best people have no defects. If you’re not perfect, some-1 thing is wrong. 0. If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept! the fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to| think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything. 9. Beware of intuition and gut instincts, they are completely unreliable. Instead, develop preconceived notions and don’1 waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind anc adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know whaij they’re talking about. 10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and does-] n’t work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something is stupid and harmful. 11. Always remember, today doesn’t count. Trying to make some-j thing out of today only robs you of precious time that could spent daydreaming or resting up. 12. Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you’ve1 made, and how much better it would be if you hadn’t made them. Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not doing so. And don’t go easy. Be really hard on yourself. 13. If by chance you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, ^ try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and caij do it easily in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of fault 218

brain droppings 14. Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don’t get sidetracked with some foolish “plan.” 15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don’t be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about “responsibility.” That’s exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life. you Know?

When you’re young, you don’t know, but you don’t know you don’t know, so you take some chances. In your twenties and thirties you don’t know, and you know you don’t know, and that tends to freeze you; less risk taking. In your forties you know, but you don’t know you know, so you may still be a little tentative. But then, as you pass fifty, if you’ve been paying attention, you know, and you know you know. Time for some fun. HAVE AIITTLE TUH

Most people take life much too seriously and worry about all the wrong things: security, advancement, prosperity, all those things that give you heartburn. I think people would be better off if they relaxed and had a little more fun.

Think about it: We’re all here on a big rock, zippin’ around a bad star for no good reason. We don’t know where we came from, we don’t know where we’re going, we don’t know how long it’s go

GEORGE C A R L I N

Do you ever stop to think about that? It’s all meaningless. All this detail. What’s it for? This table. What’s it doing here? What’s the pur-pose? Who cares? I think the whole thing is someone’s idea of a great big practical joke. So, relax that extra-tight American anal sphincter folks, and have a little fun. Here are some suggestions:

In a public restroom, stand on the toilet and stare over the top of the partition at the man in the next stall. Tell him your therapist told you it’s a good way of relaxing. Then lean out of the stall with your pants down, and ask someone if you can borrow a set of chopsticks and a nine-volt battery.

When you’re out on the country-club dance floor with your wife, guide her over toward the orchestra and say to the conductor, “Tonight is our a

Did you ever see these people who drive with their headlights on in the daytime, because they think it’s safer? You know what would be fun? To smash head-on into a guy like that, just to show him that his idea doesn’t work. On the hotel “How-did-we-do?” form, write, “The maid offered to blow me for some candy,” and “The room service waiter thrust his hand down my pants and manipulated my schwanz.” Here’s some fun: At a taxi stand, give the first driver fifty dollars and tell him, “Go to the airport, and wait there for me.” Then go to the second driver, give him fifty dollars and tell him, “Follow that cab, and under no circumstances allow it to get to the airport!” Then get in the third cab and tell the guy to follow the other two. When you’re about halfway to the airport, take out a gun and start shooting at the first two cabs. Yell, “Hi-yo, Silver!” a lot.

b r a drop pi n <j s

Go into a store and tell the clerk you don’t want to purchase anything. Then ask him if he’d be interested in buying sixty gallons of children’s urine.

Next time you’re on a plane, sit in the back row and place a boom box under your seat. Then, during takeoff, play high-pitched, metal-grinding noises on it, just loud enough to be heard over the engines. If possible, blend in the sound of a few small, muffled explosions. Keep saying, “Uh-oh!”

While seated at a nice di

Rush up to a hotel desk and mumble to the clerk, “Did the purple man with the dwarf in the cardboard box leave the Archbishop’s phone number?” He will say, “What?” Repeat the sentence a little more loudly, but keep it hard to understand. Once again, a little a

At a retail store, make a lot of large purchases hurriedly, and then, when signing the credit card slip, appear nervous and openly try to copy the signature that appears on your credit card. Then when the approval comes through, express visible relief. “Really? All right!!” Snicker a little, and mutter a barely audible, “Idiots.”

GEORGE CARLIN

brain droppings

There are some people who still hitchhike, although not as mam as before. A lot of folks gave the practice up after being buried ir shallow graves near the side of the road. But here’s some fun you cat have in case you still like to get out and hoist a thumb. Of course, yoi have to get a ride first. Someone has to stop.

When the guy says, “Where you going?” lean way into the car anc bellow, “Turn this thing around, Zeke, I’m headin’ back the otheJ way!” Then make sure to step back quickly. No sense being draggec five hundred yards for the sake of a joke.

Or, when the guy stops, don’t say anything; just jump in and si down. When he says, “Where you going?” say, “I don’t give a shit Let’s just ride around. I’m off till Thursday.” Then make a lot of moto noises with your mouth.

Here’s another good one: “Thanks for stopping. I don’t actually need a ride today, but if you’d give me your phone number, I’d be glad to let you know when I do. It’ll save you the trouble of driving all around looking for me.” Once again, stepping back quickly might prevent a base case of gravel burn.

This one is my favorite. Guy stops, lowers the window and says, “Where you going?” You say, “Well . . . first we gotta go pick up my mother. Then we gotta go to the abortionist, the meth dealer, and the ammo shop. Then we gotta take her home. She lives in Indiana. By the way, do you know how to change a colostomy bag?”

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.