Brain Droppings

86

GEORGE C A R L I N

brain droppings

read about some mob guy who was being charged with gambling, loan sharking, extortion, narcotics, prostitution, murder, pornography, labor racketeering, stolen cars, business fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, bribery, corruption, perjury, and jury tampering. Here’s a guy who didn’t waste a minute. Busy, busy, busy! Hy definition of bod luck: catching AIDS from a Quaker. Dogs and cats get put to sleep, hogs and cows get slaughtered. If a speed freak went to Rapid City to make a quick buck in fast food he might sell instant coffee in an express lane. I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public. Imagine houi thick Japanese people’s photo albums must be. Uome national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. I think when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. When football fans tear down the goalpost, uihere do they take it? Just because your penis surgery was not successful is no reason to go off half-cocked. ? n England in 1830, William Hukkison became the first person ever run over by a railroad train. Wouldn’t that make you feel stupid? For millions and millions of years there were no trains, and then suddenly they have trains and you get run over?

noTHino MITRES 7 Shouldn’t a complimentary beuerage tell you uihat a fine person you are? Only Americans could find as a prime means of self-expression the wave and the high five. It is important to remember that although the Automobile Club has a health plan, the health club does not have an automobile plan. Auto racing: slow minds and fast cars. If you fuck a baseball player’s wife while he’s on the road, his team will lose the next day. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, mould you say she had a fourth sense? Why do the Dutch people have two names for their country, Holland and the Netherlands, and neither one includes the word Dutch? late one night it struck me that for several years I had been masturbating to a Wilma Flintstone fantasy. d oes the water that signifies the passage of time flow under the bridge, or over the dam? I’ve heard both versions, and I’m concerned about the people who live near the dam. n the movies, when someone buys something they never wait for their change.

88

GEORGE CARL IN

brain droppings

I buy stamps by mail. It works OK until I run out of stamps. Whenever someone tells me they’re going to fix a chicken, I always think Maybe it isn’t really broken. Maybe it just needs a little oil. lly only superstition: if you drop a spoon, a wild pig will offer to finance your next car. As o matter of principle I neuer attend the first a

, - a| tor men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers. ook at the self-help titles in the bookstore, and you’ll get a fews clues about our culture. They’re all about aggression and acquisition. It wouldn’t be at all surprising to see a book called How to Force Your Will on Other People by Giving Them the Shaft and Fucking Them out of Their Money. When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one. iow can crash course and collision course have two different meanings? I wonted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn’t find an opening. Why don’t they have dessert at breakfast? ” ! ‘? uometimes I look out the airplane window at a large city at night and wonder how many people are fucking. Why don’t they have rye pancakes? Grapefruit cookies? Fig ice cream? Canteloupe pie? I he mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear. I hope they do clone the dinosaurs, and they come back just in time for the ozone layer to disappear and wipe those ugly motherfuckers out again. .,,

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt. 90

GEORGE CARLIN

brain d

Toppings

? n most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who “don’t know.” What isn’t generally understood is that it’s the same people in every poll. I read that a patient got AIDS from his dentist. It wasn’t from the blood; apparently, the dentist fucked him in the ass. “Open wide!” Regarding Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother. Even Grandpa won’t do that. I think we’ve outgrown the word gripe. When everyone has automatic weapons, a word \ke gripe is sort of irrelevant. no SHERV

I he friendly skies.” “The skies are not cloudy.” How is this possible? I look up, I see one sky. ids are now being born with syphilis and cocaine habits. There’s nothing like waking up your second day on Earth and realizing that once you kick cocaine you’re still go

nvironmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. When a lion escapes from a circus in Africa, how do they know when they’ve caught the right one? Ihe safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store. Wouldn’t it be fu

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GEORGE CARLIN

brain d r o p p i n g s

t exas canceled plans to put its motto, Friendship, on its license plates People complained that it was too wimpy. Why don’t they just change their motto? Let’s Kill All the Niggers comes to mind as appropriate. In ViE