Brain Droppings

GEORGE C A R L I N I here should be some things we don’t name, just so we can sit around all day and wonder what they are. Everything is still the same. It’s just a little different noui. Ihe symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife—because the music hadn’t been beautiful enough. lou know why I stopped eating processed foods? 1 began to picture the people who might be processing them. Whenever I see a large crowd I always think of all the dry cleaning they have out. I didn’t wash today. I wasn’t dirty. If I’m not dirty, I don’t wash. Some weeks I don’t have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush. When you buy a six-foot dildo, and call it a marital aid, you are stretching not just the anatomy, but the limits of credibility. At a formal di

brain droppings HINCS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR: “Jeff? We’re going to have to break your skull again and reset it. Okay? It’s way out of line. It looks really strange. But we won’t do it until we’ve opened up that incision and put some more fire ants inside of you. OK?” In Panama, during the election that defeated Noriega, there were “dignity battalions” that wandered the streets beating and robbing and killing people. omeone said to me, “Make yourself a sandwich.” Well, if I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn’t make myself a sandwich. I’d make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire. Why would anyone want to use a flood light? I should think lights would be kind of dangerous during a flood. Better just to sit in the dark and wait for help. There are nights mhen the uiolues are silent, and only the moon howls. Ihe nicest thing about a plane crashing at an air show is that they always have good video of the actual crash. How come none of these boxers seem to hove a losing record? “here ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground. If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.

GEORGE CARLIN If me could just find out mho’s In charge, UIE could kill l% Whenever I hear that someone works in his shirtsleeves, I always wonder what he did with the rest of the shirt. It is impossible to dry one hand. The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception js being carried out. I saw an old woman who I thought was looking on the ground for a contact lens. As I drew closer, I realized she was actually all hunched over from osteoporosis. OERHS LIVE in BY HAT

brain droppings I notice I don’t see as many buck-toothed uiomcn as I used to. The thing I like the rnos* about this country is that, in a pinch, when things ally get tough, you can always go into a store and buy some mints. I’ve watched so many documentaries about World War II, I’m sure I’ve seen the same people die hundreds of times. I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. ? read that some guy was giving up the governor’s chair to run for a Senate seat. Why would he give up a chair to run for a seat? Why not be a judge and sit on the bench? 7 How do primitive people know if they’re doing the dances correctly?

Tou can lead a gift horse to water in the middle of the stream, but you can’t look him in the mouth and make him drink. eep Throat: Think about it. There is actually an important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do grade-school teachers handle this? Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body. nothing is so boring as listening to someone else describe a dream. hat is all this stuff about a kick being “partially blocked”? It’s either blocked, not blocked, or deflected. Partially blocked is like “somewhat dead.” i 82

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: “Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.” r egarding smoking in public: Suppose you were eating in a restaurant, and every two minutes the guy at the next table threw some anthrax germs in the air. Wouldn’t you want to sit in a different section? Ihe savings-and-loan associations that will cost $500 billion to bail out are called “the thrifts.” ?he idea of a walk-in closet sounds frightening. If I’m ever sittin’ at home and a closet walks in, I’m gettin’ outta there. ‘he reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

5te™sonlpp«biitsteWttenic6tfaaUKr«W. Time sharing got a bod name, so noai they call it “interual ou.nersl.ip7 E 0 R G E CARL IN IMMR )w can there possibly be a self-addressed envelope? They say now they /en have envelopes that are self-sealing. This I gotta see! sign: Park and ride. It’s confusing. They really oughta make up their saw a ninds. ark and lock. Here we go again. If you park and lock, you’re stuck in the :ar. It should be park, get out, and lock. “Ho comment” is a comment. Why is it like this? Why isn’t everything different? If you have chicken at lunch and chicken at di

*. and yet the becomes women by changing the vowel at the end, while the pronunciation changes near the begi

brain d r o p p i n g s | think it would be fun to go on “jeopardy” and never buzz in. just stand here for half an hour, never talk, and then go home. Di lomatic immunity is necessary, because of the many diseases diplomats are exposed to in foreign countries. Why is San Francisco in the “bay area,” but Saudi Arabia is in the “gulf region”? Is a region really bigger than an area? Ill henever I hear about a spy ring, I always wonder if that’s the only jewelry they wear. You’d think a spy wouldn’t want to call attention to himself with a lot of flashy jewelry. For instance, you never hear about a spy necklace. THIS IS JUST m It’s better if an entire family gets Alzheimer’s disease. That way they can all sit around and wonder who they are. Harness racing may be all right for some people, but 1 prefer watching the horses. If you get cheated by the Belter Business Bureau, mho do you complain to? As soon as a person tells you they have a surprise for you, they have lost the element of surprise. <’ : ,.

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GEORGE CARLIN

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droppings

saw a picture of the inventor of the hydrogen bomb, Edwin Teller,wearing a tie clip. Why would the man who invented a bomb that destroys everything for fifty miles be concerned about whether or not his tie was straight? Ho one calls you “Bub” onymorE. Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who’d be willing to test any drug they can come up with. If the Cinci

uest host is a bad enough oxymoron, but NBC raised the stakes when, a few years back, they installed Jay Leno as the “permanent quest host.” Not to be outdone, Joan Rivers pointed out that she had been the “first permanent guest host.” Check, please! I don’t own o camera, so I trauel with a police sketch artist. ? I f JFK Jr. got into a taxi in New York to go to the airport, do you think he would say, “Take me to JFK?” How would he feel about that? And how does Lee Harvey Oswald’s mother feel when she walks through JFK, knowing that if she had stayed single it would probably be Martin Luther King Jr. Airport? Which is taller, a short-order cook or a small-engine mechanic? Hobbies ore for people mho lock direction. FUCK SOCCER nons A graveyard always has to start with a single body. Unless the1 local people get lucky and there’s a nice big bus accident in town. : ” lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they s^y, “He was a loner.” Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with. Is it illegal to charge admission to a free-for-all?