Brain Droppings

I think they ought to let guys like Jeffrey Dahmer off with a warning. They do

+ with speeding tickets. Sometimes all a guy needs is a good talking to. Why don’t they say, “Listen, Jeff. Knock it off! Nobody thinks you’re fu

EORCE CARLIN

brain droppings

1

ow can someone be “armed with a handgun”? Shouldn’t he be armed with an “armgun”? Can a handgun really be a sidearm? And shouldn’t a hand grenade be an arm grenade? You don’t throw it with your hand, you throw it with your arm. Try Explaining Hitler to a kid.

I rnoossible to know accurately how you look in your sunglasses. As he ayes, Mickey Rooney gets euen shorter. e levators and escalators do more than elevate and escalate. They also lower. The names tell only half the story. do one euer refers to “half o month1.’

FUCK Alison fhy; do we turn lights “out” when we turn most other things “off”?

Don’t you get discouraged each morning when you wake up and realize you have to wash again? Kou show me the people who control the money, the land, and the weapons, and I’ll show you the people in charge.

Iforking-class people “look for work.” Middle-class people “try to get a ob.” Upper-middle-class people “seek employment.” .an you have just one antic? How about a lone shenanigan? A mon-ceyshine? mere are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one knows how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza. Ihose who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music. ??,???’

THERE Will BE HO HORE PAPER TOWELS AFTER JULY

‘m not going to apologize for this, but I have my own personal psychic. He doesn’t predict the future, and he can’t tell you much about your past. But he does a really fantastic job of describing the present. For instance, he can tell you exactly what you’re wearing, but he can’t do it over the phone. We’re all amateurs; it’s just that some of us are more professional about it than others. When the going gets tough, the tough get fucked. I was expelled from cooking school, and it left a bad taste in my mouth. ‘,

GEORGE CARLIN

brain dropping

ast year, in Los Angeles, a robber threatened a store owner with syringe that he claimed had HIV on it, saying “Give me the money or I’ll give you AIDS.” You know what I would’ve told him? “If you give me AIDS I’m go

I p n0 ax to grind, but 1 do have an ivory letter opener that could use sharpening. eminists want to ban pornography on the grounds that it encourages violence against women. The Japanese consume far more violent and depraved pornography than we do, and yet there is almost no rape reported there. A woman is twenty times more in danger of being raped in the U.S. than she is in Japan. Why? Because Japanese people are decent, civilized, and intelligent. The only good thing euer to come out of religion mas the music. I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better. Do kings haue suieat bands in their crowns? When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? There ought to be at least one round state. f or a long time it was all right for a woman to keep a diary, but it sounded too fruity for men. So they changed it to journal. Now sensitive men can set down their thoughts without appearing too sensitive. In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. A courtesy bus driuer once told me to go fuck myself.

C A R L I N GEORGE ometimes the label on the can says “fancy peas.” Then, you get ‘em home and they’re really rather ordinary. Nothing fancy about ‘ern at all. Maybe if they had little bullfight paintings on them, they would be fancy. But as it is… SLAP A DEAD mil If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Cventually, nature will produce a species that can play the piano better than we can. 1 don’t think me really gaue barbarism a fair try. fiano lessons sound like something a piano should take. Humans should take piano-playing lessons. Did you hear about the man who left in a huff and returned in a jiffy? Another day, he arrived in a tizzy and left in a snit. His wife swept in in a fury and left in a daze, then left in a dither and returned in a whirl. If you go to a bone bonk, uihy can’t you make a calcium deposit? g et down!” is a slang expression that would have been really useful in World War II. If soldiers had known this expression at the time, a lot of lives could have been saved. WHY [AM THERE BE flORE SUFFERING?

brain droppings There are no times that don’t haue moments like these. ince 1983, ™°re ^an thirty people have been killed in post office shootings. You know why? Because the price of stamps keeps changing. There’s a lot of pressure. “How much are they now, Rob? Twenty-nine? Thirty-two? I can’t keep track! Fuck it!” BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!! On Opening Day, the President doesn’t throw out the first ball. He throws it in If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it. Where does the dentist go uihen he leaues you alone? Why are there never any really good-looking women on long distance buses? I almost don’t feel the may I do. e’re not satisfied with forcing Russia to destroy its nuclear weapons and recant its ideology. Now we’re really going to get even: we’re sending experts to show them how to run their economy. Am I missing something? A country with a five-trillion-dollar debt is giving advice on handling money? only ‘took him to the cleaners.” Whenever I hear that I wonder if that was the errand he had to run. Maybe she also took him to the adult bookstore. I) I go to bed early, fly fauorite dream comes on at nine. est seller” really only means “good seller.” There can only be one best seller. All the rest are good sellers. Each succeeding book on the list is a “better seller.”.