Brain Droppings

Here’s a sign I don’t like: Authorized Perso

I’ve got a terrific sign in front of my house that keeps intruders out: Retarded Pit Bull High on Angel Dust. No one’s come over the wall yet. Except a couple of retarded guys who were high on angel dust. DO. TAKE. HAVE. 61VE

People used to take drugs, now they do drugs. Some people don’t do drugs, they do lunch. Instead of taking drugs, they take meetings. They used to have meetings. Now, instead of having meetings, they

brain droppings

relationships. Some people who don’t do drugs but have a relationship will take a meeting while they do lunch.

People used to get sex, now they have sex. So far, they don’t do sex. Although they do say, “Let’s do it.” But if the sex is overly aggressive, we say the person was “taken.” I guess if one’s not giving, the other’s go

We take a lot of things. We take a lot of good things. We take time, we take heart, we take solace, medicine, advice; we take a job, take a break, take a vacation, a leave, a nap, a rest, a seat, we take a meal.

We take, take, take until we can’t take anymore. Maybe it’s because our i

But when we give, we give a lot of bad things. We give trouble, heartache, sorrow, we give someone a hard time, a migraine, give ‘em a heart attack, and give ‘em a big pain in the ass. So I say, “Give up, get fucked, take a hike, and have fun.” YOU’RE A HATURAl

This is for health food fiends, the natural-fabrics gang, and all those green-head environmental hustlers who stomp around in the “natural”: Your key word is meaningless. Everything is natural. Everything in the universe is a part of nature. Polyester, pesticides, oil slicks, and whoopee cushions. Nature is not just trees and flowers. It’s eveiything. Human beings are part of nature. And if a human being invents something, that’s part of nature, too. Like the whoopee cushion. -> r

C A R L I N GEORGE

Also: The experience called “natural childbirth” is not natural at all. It is freaky and bizarre. It is distinctly u

brain droppings

Or imagine the very first guy who threw up. What did he think? What did he say to his friends? “Hey, Vi

Sometimes on television they tell you a product is “good for headaches.” I don’t want something that’s good for headaches. I want something that’s bad for headaches. And good for me. THROW TOUR BACK OUT

Several months ago, a friend told me that when he was cleaning his garage he threw his back out. I told him it was probably overenthusi-asm. Sometimes when you’re cleaning, you get carried away and throw out something you intended to keep. The next time I ran into him he seemed to have learned his lesson. He had recently cleaned out his attic, but this time he didn’t throw his back out. He gave it to Goodwill. riRST THinOS FIRST Many things we take for granted must have sounded unusual the first time they were proposed. For instance, imagine trying to explain to someone, for the first time, that you thought giving him an enema would be a real good idea. You’d have to proceed very subtly. “Hey, Joey! I got a new idea. Turn around.” “New id-? Hey, what’s that thing in your hand?” “Nothing. Oh! I dropped my keys. Would you mind pickin’ ‘emup?”

There is a tendency these days to prison setting peace process intensity level belief system seating area sting operation evacuation process rehabilitation process facial area daily basis blue in color risk factor crisis situation leadership role learning process rain event confidence level healing process standoff situation shooting incident pla

The best known example of this problem is: “At that point in time.” I’ve even heard people say, “At that particular point in time.” Boy, that’s pi

This typing process is begi

Brain Droppings

GEORGE CARLIN

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d r o p p i n g s

SHORT TAKES [Part 1) he wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember. lust what exactly is the “old dipsy doodle”? When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person. Sties arc caused by matching your dog shit. SONETinES A LITTLE BRA1H DAHAGE CAH HELP A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, “Oh, great. I’d like to see some of the things he’s done.” Euentually there mill come a time when eueryone is in a band. Weyerhauser, a company that makes its money by cutting down trees, calls itself “The tree-growing company.” If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. llot only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did. … ;.<.,..ii ,,,, .,.„;.> …. y , . ,,.. ,,, ,.. , ..

H likely is it that all the people who are described as missing are living together in a small town somewhere? We’re all fucked. It helps to remember that. I f lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they’re still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it’s OK. Restaurants that allow patrons to select live lobsters from a tank should be made to paint names on their shells: “Happy,” “Baby Doll,” “Junior.” I defy anyone to drop a living thing called “Happy” in rapidly boiling water. The nicest thing about anything is not knowing what it is. I feel sorry for homeless gay people; they have no closet to come out of. In fact, I imagine if you were gay and homeless, you’d probably be glad just Xohave a closet. I’ve adopted a new lifestyle that doesn’t require my presence. In fact, if I don’t want to, I don’t have to get out of bed at all, and I still get credit for a full day. The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine. I can’t bear to go to the children’s zoo. I always wonder how their parents can allow them to be kept in those little cages. If you take the corn off the cob, not only do you have corn-off-the-cob, you also have cobs-out-from-inside-the-corn.

; E 0 R C E CARLIN

brain d r o p p i n g s

Why do foreign soldiers march fu