Brain Droppings

y ou know you’re in trouble when you look behind the clerk and see one of your personal checks displayed on the wall as an example of why the store does not accept personal checks. As grown-ups, we never get to “wave bye-bye.” I think it would be fun. “Steve, the boss is sailing for Europe; we’re all going down to the dock to wave bye-bye.” Some things o king neuer has to say:

“tan I play, too?” “Hey, guys, wait for me1.1 “I neuer seem to get laid!1 id you ever go somewhere and realize it used to be a different place? And it dawns on you that some things are not here anymore. Of course, some other things are not here yet. And nothing seems to be where it used to be; everything’s been moved. Sometimes I think if we could just put everything back where it originally was, we might be all right. I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else. Aiumnun is A JIVEHEIAI lou know you’re in a poor neighborhood when you give the store clerk a dollar and he asks you if you have anything smaller. e O lrice childhood is a time when kids prepare to be grown-ups, I think it a lot of sense to completely traumatize your children. Gets ‘em ready the real world.

b t a i n droppings

? 0 R C E

C A R L 1 N

|fyou want to keep your times a week. [h all that humping going on, )FK’s administration shouldn’t hav& led Camelot, they should have called it Come-a-lot. ?here is a new British rock band called So Long, Mate! During each performance one member of the band is ritually slaughtered. The muSjc has ? a certain urgency, but the tours are nice and short. About five davs. hen the convention of testicle transplant surgeons had its a

dog in line, walk him past the fur shop a couple of litre OK only two places in the uiorld: outr litre and outr there. HUH CHOCOLATE 15 fOR I hauE a photograph of Judge Bork. but it doesn’t do him justice. Have you ever wondered why Republ icans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time, [finally accepted )esus. Not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. t used to be, cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Rocket 88! Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima. Tercel! What the fuck kind of lifeless, pussy names are these? Further proof America has lost its edge. I’m starting a campaign to have Finland removed as a country. We don’t need it. hat a spot! You’re in surgery, the anesthetic wears off, and as | you wake up you realize that someone in surgical clothing is carrying one of your legs over to a garbage can. The surgeon, holding a large power saw, says, “We’re all out of anesthetic, but if you’ll hold on real tight to the sides of that gurney, I’ll have that other leg off in a jiffy.”

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GEORGE

C A R L I N

egarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he’s worried about his child’s i

piog,ammir>g flaw, many computer calculations, Tun t « ai and pensions, will oe throw o», by ,he of 1 yL 2000. It’s because many computer programs ” as, two digits for calculating years. It will cos, rj-^’oobilll dollars to correct ,,smiS,a,e.rm

glad., like anything that causes trouble.

except rage, because it takes strength to show soft

mide. Then they kill someone.

e: The Black Hills are sacred Indian ground. ancestors for eternity. h0 are all these people whose eyeglasses are attached to straps and bands around their necks? Please! Folks. Too precious Hold your glasses, or set them down like the rest of us. Or perhaps, strange as it sounds, put them on. You need a dual correction? Get some bifocals.

IO2

rain d…» o p p…I..« 9 …» GEORGE C A R L I N

housework/homework houseboy/homeboy housebreaker/ho mewrecker housekeeper/homemaker

That thing you live in? Is it a house, or is it a hom&? Developers sell homes, but people buy houses.

Most people don’t mind if you put ‘em in a house. But under no circumstances do they want you to put ‘em in a home, Unless it’s a happy home. A happy home is not the same as a happy h^use. A happy house is one that’s just been cleaned and painted. You’d be happy, too.

The madam Polly Adler once said, “A house is not a home.” Of course, she meant a whorehouse is not a home. And it’’s not; no one would ever go to a whore home. Except a really old whore. That’s where they go: The Old Whore’s Home.