Myth-Gotten Gains

"Don't extol. Don't talk. They're gold-plated goodies, Horunk," I said. "Street value, about five gold pieces each. The sword's just a letter opener. Nothing special. In the markets of Bupkis, you can find stuff like this in every stall."

"Lying to me will cause the items to be confiscated at once!" Horunkus boomed, as much as an overgrown toad can boom.

"You try and take them," I said, showing all my teeth. The soldiers holding the spears on me backed up a pace.

"You're the ones who are armed," the captain roared at them. "Keep him under guard!"

"I swear on my mother's grave, Horunk, these are junk!" I said.

"Who are you calling junk?" Ersatz boomed.

"Who said that?" the captain demanded, looking around.

"She did," I said, pointing at Tananda. "She's a ventriloquist. She's an entertainer who travels with me to amuse me."

"Take the goods into safe-keeping," Horunkus said. "If they lack value, as you say they do, then they will fail the standard assay test."

"You can't take them!" Calypsa brayed.

"Why not?" Horunkus asked.

"I thought I told you to zip it!" I whispered to her. "Now, captain," I said, my voice at its most silky, "you wouldn't want it getting around that Sri Port's officers rob travelers under the guise of determining the value of the goods they're carrying, do you? That'd dry up your import stream in a matter of weeks."

I didn't think I had come across the only honest politician I had ever met. He had almost certainly been on the edge of doing exactly that. I wanted him to know that I knew, and that unless he locked me and my friends up, we'd certainly spread the word. Horunkus didn't want to be responsible for losing any part of the revenue coming in, if Hylida's description was accurate. Horunkus's warty brow drew down under the ridiculous blond wig.

"Of course we are honest with travelers!" Horunkus protested, a little too readily. "I will estimate the market value myself, then. Five gold pieces each, times five items." The tape rolled up and curled over the top of the tablet. "And you say that they come from this Bum-kiss?"

"Bupkis," I corrected him. "But for you, Bum-kiss is appropriate."

He didn't get the insult. "Then you are also subject to import tax. That is another seventeen percent. Payable on demand." He tapped some more numbers into his machine. "And there will be a transportation tax of four gold pieces each..."

"We walked."

"Hmm. Road use tax. You used the roads, I assume?" He peered at me over the top of his tablet.

"We're magicians! We came in by magik!"

"Right here? To this space?"

"I saw them come through the market," a small Toady said, ru

"I see," Horunkus said, and pursed his mouth. "Well, then, you will need a permit for fortunetelling."

"We're not opening up shop here!"

"But it sounds like you have already delved into other people's business here."

"It was just a passing remark."

"And penalty for humil...I mean, assaulting the guard. Unless you would rather serve time in the Royal Penitentiary instead?"

The guy had absolutely no sense of humor. "Aw, come on, it was just a little rough-housing!"

"Disturbing the peace," Horunkus said, writing more on the tablet in his hands. I was getting more and more torqued off as the strip on the top of the tablet grew longer.

"That comes to a total of thirty gold pieces, eight silver. Payable upon demand." He tore off the strip and handed it to me.

"You're out of your mind," I informed him, looking over the list of charges.

"Insults! Do you wish me to add another penalty, for insulting one of His Lofty Monarch's officers?"

Tananda and Calypsa looked at me. It was hard to argue that he had caught us red, or rather, gold-handed, since we were standing there holding the equivalent of an emperor's a

herself in the middle of a troop of unfriendlies. As much as the alternative pained me, I couldn't do that. I reached for my wallet. Horunkus's flunky stuck out his palm.

Every coin I had to part with was a death knell to my heart. Every shining little disk seemed to cry out to me, "Don't send me away!" I gritted my teeth, because hesitating seemed to bring me out in a rash of jab marks from the guards' swords. One by one, I counted out the coins. Some of them had been handsomely milled and beautifully struck; others were more timeworn, but precious for their experience in the universe. It was more painful than I could stand.

"That's thirty," the captain said. "Eight silver pieces."

I felt around in my scrip. I had four silver pieces and a handful of coppers. I balanced them in my hand against the one remaining gold piece I had.

"Would you take an IOU?" I asked hopefully.

"I will take cash!"

Very reluctantly, I held out the 31st gold piece. The captain snatched it from me and dumped all the coins into a heavy leather pouch at his saddlebow.

"Thank you, stranger," Horunkus said, signing to his men to lower their spears. "Welcome to Sri Port. I hope you enjoy your stay here."

"Hey, wait a minute, what about my change?"

Horunkus gave me an 'are you out of your mind?' look. "I could add on a 'Questioning the authority of the Majaranarana' tax," he said, smugly.

"That's it," I breathed, my ire rising. This guy was due for a clobbering, no matter what it cost me later.

"Yes, that is it," the nun said, stepping in between us and holding out a minuscule handful of coins. "Here is the mission's tax payment for the week. Thank you, gentlemen." She turned me away from the soldiers and hurried us inside.

"Well, he squeezed us for everything we had," I said, feeling glum.

"I've still got a handful of silver. That ought to hold us for a while," Tananda said.

"I don't like going out without walking-around money," I retorted, peevishly.

"At least the Hoard is safe," Calypsa said. She hugged Ersatz.

"Really, wench," the Sword said, sounding embarrassed.

"Safe for now," I said, with a look over my shoulder at the departing troops. "I doubt that's the end of it. Horunkus is going to go back and report what he saw. I'll bet you my two front teeth that before we get out of here there'll be an attack by 'footpads,' not affiliated with the government, of course. The longer we stay here, the more likely the Hoard's going to be in the Majaranarana's treasury sooner or later."

"We'd better get out of here, then," Tananda said. "This place is indefensible."

"Ah, me," Sister Hylida said. "This never happened when I was at the Abbey of the Shaor Ming. Because we prayed for anyone who needed us, we were never asked for taxes or other fees."

"So nobody is supposed to squeeze the Shaor Ming?" I asked.

"Yes," Hylida said, surprised. "How did you know?"

"Lucky guess," I said. I jingled my wallet grimly. It was too light. I felt like I had just lost my oldest friends—thirty-one of them.

"Well, I would say it's just about time for you to ask Chin-Hwag for your fee," Asti's voice broke into my thoughts.

Her taunting tone was just what it took to raise my dudgeon to its highest setting. I turned to the Purse, cradled protectively in the Abbess's arms. Everyone was watching me. I took in a deep breath, but it whooshed out of me like the air from a punctured balloon. I just couldn't do it, not in the face of the shocking poverty surrounding me. Besides, I wanted to negotiate in private.