Born of Blood and Ash

A damn knot lodged in my throat, just as it had when he said this before we left to meet with Kolis to gain his approval for the coronation.

“But those parts?” Eather streaked across his irises. “They don’t define you. They are not the sum of who you are. They never were.”

“Do you believe that about yourself?” I asked, knowing he had far more good in him than I did in me. But he didn’t see it that way. “And the monstrous things you’ve done?”

“I’m starting to,” he admitted.

Surprise flickered through me. “What changed that?”

“You.”

I rocked back. “Me?”

“Yes, you.” His smile returned. “Because someone like you couldn’t love me if I were the sum of the worst things I’ve done.”

My breath caught as my emotions swelled. His features blurred. “I think I’m going to cry.”

“That is not the response I was going for.” Concern filled his tone as he rose slightly.

“It’s because you’re being sweet!” I exclaimed, blinking tears from my eyes. “And I don’t know why I’m so damn emotional. I was never this way until I met you. It’s a

Ash chuckled, relief easing into his features. “It’s cute.”

“I completely disagree with that statement,” I muttered, pulling myself together. “But back to the riders. They said I didn’t slay the monster, but I did wound it.”

A moment passed. “Did they find you worthy?”

“They did. So, I can now call on them if I want to end the realms.” I rolled my eyes. “Or something.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” he remarked, earning a sidelong glance from me. “But I’m not surprised. Because what I’ve sensed in you is not cruelty, Sera. That is not what feeds this monster you speak of.”

I almost asked him what did but stopped myself. What Ash sensed in me now was totally influenced by how he felt about me, and I didn’t need my intuition to tell me that.

The truth was, Ash was right about some of the stuff he said. I wasn’t evil. Kolis, Kyn, and even Veses were. None of them had started out that way, but they’d become evil. Me? I felt like I was somewhere in the middle of good and evil, teetering on a fine line. And I couldn’t help but think that the true Primal of Life should be all good. Or, at the very least, mostly good.

Like Ash.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“I…I was just thinking about you,” I said after a moment. “Like how your father wanted you to be the true Primal of Life. Everyone here wanted that.”

But something went wrong when Eythos struck that deal with the desperate Roderick Mierel and placed the embers and Sotoria’s soul in my bloodline. I wasn’t reborn as Sotoria, and the embers became mine. Those two things were only the start of what had gone sideways with Eythos’s plan.

“They were expecting me to Ascend to be the true Primal of Life, but I didn’t,” he said, propping his cheek up with a fist. “You did. There is no changing that, Sera.”

“I get that. I’m just…” Words I shouldn’t speak bubbled up. “I never desired to be a Queen or to rule anything or anyone.” I sat up then, pulling my knees to my chest. Ash followed suit as I said, “I never wanted that kind of power, and I still don’t. But I understand this ca

Extending an arm, he brushed his fingers over the curve of my cheek. A faint charge of energy followed the contact. “Just be yourself.”

I barked out a short laugh. “Really? Do you think that’s good advice? Because being myself usually ends with me punching someone when they irritate me, and that doesn’t sound like queenly behavior.”

His lips twitched. “Depending on how irritating they are, I’m not sure I’d have a problem with that. But that’s not all you are.”

“Ah, yes. When I don’t want to punch someone, I’m panicking and thinking I can’t breathe,” I said as he tucked a few strands of hair behind my ear. “And yes, I know I’m saying this stuff because I’m anxious. But knowing that doesn’t mean I can stop myself from thinking it.” I huffed out an aggravated breath. “You’d think Ascending into the true Primal of Life would mean I wouldn’t have to deal with out-of-control anxiety anymore.”

“This anxiety?” he said. “I told you before that Lathan experienced something similar.”

My heart ached at the mention of the friend who’d been killed while watching over me in the mortal realm. Lathan used to experience the feeling of not being able to breathe before falling asleep as a child, leading him to believe it was the sekya. Obviously, that wasn’t the case. It had been all the things that lingered in the back of his mind, catching up to him when his thoughts were finally quiet—something I had firsthand experience with. The godling hadn’t grown out of it. He had simply learned to manage it. How? I wished I knew because not even my new ability of foresight spewed out the answer.

“It didn’t make him weak or somehow less than,” Ash continued. “As I told you before, he was as strong and recklessly brave as you are. The anxiety he had was just a part of him. Like it’s only another part of you.”

“There sure are a lot of parts to me,” I mumbled.

“But the rest of who you are?” he continued, skipping over my comment. “The rest of you is brave and strong. Clever, loyal, and far kinder than you give yourself credit for. You were more than worthy of being a Consort to the Shadowlands, and you are more than worthy of being the true Primal of Life and the Queen of the Gods.”

Giving his words time to sink in, I hoped they stuck. “Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me for speaking the truth,” he said, slipping his fingers through the strands of my hair. “Nor should you ever feel like something is wrong with you—especially when it comes to this. Anyone would be nervous.”

“Would you?”

“Yes.”

The corners of my lips compressed as I shot him a sideways look.

“I would be, Sera. It’s a lot of responsibility to carry.” His fingers sifted through my hair some more. “It’s a lot of power.”

It was a lot of power. And authority that could be wielded in the worst ways. Kolis was proof of that. Still, anyone could fall prey to misuse. Common sense told me that my temperament would likely make me more vulnerable to such.

But it wasn’t merely an abuse of power where things could go wrong. It was also the failure to use that authority and know when and how. Would my intuition kick in and guide me? Or would that also be something I had to figure out? I didn’t know, and it all sort of terrified me.

“What are you thinking?” Ash asked quietly, curling strands of my hair around a finger.

“I…I don’t know.” My eyes closed. That was a lie. “I just don’t want to disappoint anyone.”

“You won’t,” he stated without a second of hesitation.

“I feel like you have to say that.”

His forehead creased. “No, I don’t.”

“You’re my husband,” I pointed out. “So, yes, you do.”

“I want to be supportive because I’m your husband. Not because I have to,” he corrected, and I thought I melted a little right there. “And while I don’t know much about relationships, I think I know enough to recognize that lying to you isn’t being supportive.”

I didn’t know much about relationships either, but I thought he was right.

“I know they will not be disappointed in you, Sera.” He tugged gently on the strand of hair he toyed with. “Ask me how I know.”

“How do you know?”

“You have these knee-jerk reactions when it comes to your well-being,” he said. “Reacting first and thinking about all the possible consequences afterward.”

I started to frown because none of that really sounded like a good personality trait.

“But you don’t when it concerns others,” he said.

That wasn’t always true.

“You thought about it,” he continued, “taking what you felt and what the realms may need, and met it halfway. That is how you have earned respect and loyalty from the gods here, Sera. You’ve done so by fighting beside them to defend the Shadowlands more than once and risking yourself to keep them and their home safe.”

“I only did what any halfway-decent person would do.”

“Most people, be they god or mortal, say they would be the hero and ignore their instinct for self-preservation to rush in and defend others. Even good people believe that about themselves. But the truth is, their instinct for self-preservation is too great. What they say they would do is not what they will do. It’s only what they have convinced themselves.” He touched my cheek. “So, no. You didn’t do what any half-decent person would do. You did far more despite the monstrous parts you may have. You always have.”

I looked away, feeling my cheeks warm at his unwarranted praise. The way he saw me was a version of myself I wanted to live up to.

“I’m going to ask you what you asked me before,” he said, pulling me from my thoughts. “What will you do about the Chosen?”

“Seriously?” I asked.

“Yes. Seriously. The Chosen were something you were clearly concerned about before. You are now in a position to change how things are done once Kolis is dealt with.”

I opened my mouth to answer, but the realization that I would be able to do something about the Chosen struck me silent. He wasn’t asking to hear my irrelevant, at-the-end-of-the-day opinion.

Gods, this felt far more real than being summoned to prove myself worthy to the riders.

I tightened my arms around my legs as my mind bounced all over the place. “I…I saw some of the Chosen while in Dalos. Some appeared to be in positions where they served the gods. They still wore white and remained veiled. Others didn’t.” I could still see Jacinta and the god, Evan, that Kolis had manipulated me into killing—easily. He’d manipulated me. I swallowed. “Kolis said he gave the Chosen a choice: remain cloistered and be Ascended, or not. Those who chose not to act as servants could spend time with others. I didn’t see any being forced to be intimate, but I also knew they weren’t valued. I saw Callum kill one without hesitation. So, I know that just because I didn’t see anyone being treated poorly, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t happening.”

“I believe Kolis spoke the truth about giving them a choice,” Ash said. “But I’ve seen the limitations of that choice with my own eyes.”

I nodded. Too many had seen it for themselves. And then there was Gemma, one of the Chosen Ash had rescued. She had been so traumatized by what she’d experienced in Dalos that after spotting a god from there, she’d panicked and run into the Dying Woods, nearly losing her life. Actually, she did lose her life. I’d brought her back.

A lot of evil happened in Dalos that I hadn’t been able to see.

“But it will not be that way under your rule,” Ash pointed out. “If you choose to continue with the Rite.”